Monday, January 11, 2010

OK, I Admit It...Something's Up


Yeah, yeah...my head is in a shitty place.

Yesterday's Ravens/Patriots game and the Cardinals/Packers game were both nice nuggets of coolness over the weekend. Though I was EXTREMELY unhappy about the outcome of both of Saturday's games. I did not want Cincinnati to lose to the Jets, and I was mortified to see the Eagles lose to the Cowboys for the second straight week.

Friend of mine put it very well...the window has probably closed on the Eagles for a while as far as their Super Bowl hopes are concerned. Sucks.


So where was I? Oh yeah...back to the poop thing. My mind HAS been in such a shitty place lately and it has affected my blogability as you may (or may not have) noted. How you like that? New word. BLOGABILITY. I just invented it. Probably not, some numbnut probably said it already. Doesn't make it any less cool, just means I probably am not going to go down in history as the inventor of a new word.

As I rounded the corner from 2009 into 2010, I had hoped that I would feel a resurgence, a sense of renewal, a revitilizationn so to speak. Didn't happen. Maybe I was a fool to believe it would.

I mean really...what would make January 1 any better than December 31 if you really get right down to it? Nothing. Except you. And in the past while I have had the strength to initiate positive transition using the famed New Year's Day as the springboard, this was not the case this year.

Just didn't have it in me.


Been very hard for me to 'keep my chin up' or 'have a positive spin on stuff' when Life just feels so...I dunno...hard. And this coming from someone who has been through some hard stuff in his life, who has often battled depression. Who has often WON those battles, in fact more times than I ever really give myself enough credit for.

Been taking an anti-depressant called Lexapro of late. It is not, though, for those of you unfamiliar with the way these kinds of medications work, a 'happy pill'. It isn't like, say, taking an opiate...where you have this false sense of well-being for a few hours and you love everyone and everything. Doesn't work like that.


Frankly I don't know enough about the bio-chemistry to TELL you how it works, all I know is what this particular medication type does for me emotionally. It does not take away my depression. It does not take away my anxiety. It seems to, for me, suppress some of the more intense emotions that I might normally have associated with depression.

No, it isn't Domo Aragoto, Mr. Roboto, either. I do HAVE emotions, they are just sort of muffled. Sort of deadened. Actually, the best way to describe myself when I am experiencing most kinds of emotion is sort of like it feels when you walk around outside the spaceship in the game Dead Space (which my wife has officially now accused me of playing too much).

Everything is muffled in your spacesuit, sounds I mean, and all you really hear very well are the sounds YOU make from within your spacesuit, your breathing, your grunting, your screaming in terror and so forth.


But the Lexapro does not help me much with anger. It does some, though not as much as I like, so I have outbursts sometimes, when things feel like they are just too much for me to handle. Sucks too, because as it normally goes these outbursts are always directed to the people you love the most, because those are the people you are AROUND the most, so when the outbursts occur guess who gets caught in the cross-hairs?

Perception is everything, isn't it?

How you choose to view your life, how you choose to perceive things around you, being positive or being negative...that's the real key to understanding the nature of your very existence from day to day. I wonder what it is about some people? I know some of these people, who have an amazing ability to just take some turd life hands them and ask for seconds, to laugh in the face of tragedy and kick negativity's ass no matter how bad it gets.

I envy those people. They have remarkable resilience. Faith is a big part of that, but I've known non-spiritual folks who can do it too. It's certainly worth further study, don't you think? Some head-shrinker somewhere ought to be writing a research paper about why some people lean towards the positive and some people lean towards the negative when it comes to the glasses with which they view the world.

I'd read that.


So anyway...that's, in a nutshell, an update on me and my life which, now that I think about it, reveals absolutely nothing. Other than the fact that I feel like shit lately and have been doing less blogging because of it.

Maybe tomorrow I'll tell you how Bennett has been doing, a real 'report' so to speak. I'm a bit curious myself how to put all that into some kind of perspective.

Later...

7 comments:

  1. I do hope you get to feeling better soon. I know the holidays can send lots of people into a funk. I became a horrible person this year and that's mostly just because my schedule was all messed up, which seems like a little thing, but it was really kicking my butt.

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  2. Hey if you don't mind me asking, what other anti-depressants have you tried? I'm only asking because I have heard of some people having better luck with ones other than Lexapro. Not to say it won't help you, but for me it made everything worse. I've heard others say that too. I am a HUGE fan of anti-depressants, so please don't mis-understand : ) I take Zoloft and Klonopin. Used to take Gabitril and Lexapro. Anyway, just was wondering if you were at the end of the line, or if you have considered switching.

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  3. Oh we've noticed, but as usual, we figured that there were things that you were dealing with. I'm pretty sure none of us expect daily updates from you, although I do miss reading the hilarity in your posts. *smile*

    As far as football...I guess it could have been worse, New England could have beat Baltimore, then where would you be!? You'd be like me...sitting at home and saying, well it is hockey season....that is if you like hockey...lol

    Can't wait to read how Bennett is doing...but take your time. Don't pressure yourself to get the update out there for all of us.

    {hugs}

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  4. Speaking of poo...can you believe my little "terd" turned off the computer mid-comment?! Great. It's been non stop light switching since he learned how. Non stop door opening/closing since he learned how. This can only mean...

    In other news...love you, hon. You're on a personal journey. I wish I could make it easier. But life doesn't work that way. So I'll do the only thing I can. I'll be here.

    ...danielle

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  5. I'm here too. Even if late at times. And I would be interested in that article too. Though I have my own new theory about it which I'll email you with when I get a few minutes.

    Sorry things are so shitty. I wish I knew how to do more to help. Looking forward to a Bennett update whenever you are ready.

    Hugs from me too.

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