Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Of Mice and Mirrors


You know, I was poking around the blog today and looking at the posts from Days Gone By. Not really for content, more for just overall consistency and quantity. I can't stand the fact that what used to be so effortless for me, so fluid, has become so clunky and difficult.

And I can't figure out why.

Circumstances have changed, but not so radically, and how far back does it go? There has always been some...excuse though, hasn't there? Some reason that I CAN'T. That says something about either me, or it says something about how I feel about what it is I am doing. Or there could be an option 3 in there I just haven't stumbled across yet.

I once prided myself on months where I had double-digit post counts. Then I barely ever hit them. For a time I got back to it, but I always seem to circle back to struggling with it. There is an answer, to the question of 'Why?', at the very tip of my consciousness. It is RIGHT there, I can feel it. I can touch it with the tips of my overly chewed upon nubbins, but I can't get a grip on it.

Hate that shit.


Jen is slightly concerned. The other day she questioned where I was headed. She said I seemed distant of late. Can't argue with The Wife. They usually know. And I suppose I have been distant. Again...maybe there are reasons, and maybe those reasons are simple, but perhaps they aren't. I don't know.

If I were going to put forth one theory it would be this. I could dissect the entirety of my life here, now, as I am often prone to do, but none of that matters. I believe the Simple Truth is that I remain a man who is having difficulty finding the right Path on which to tread. The rest all falls into place when you have some solid ground underneath your feet.

The problem? I still have no idea whatsoever what that Path is. I feel a lot like Jack did on LOST. I'm angry a lot, confused, making some wrong choices and not really knowing myself the way I wish I did. Assuming I just 'don't have what it takes'.


Maybe I need a Lighthouse full of mirrors to smash and a beach to sit on so I can look at the ocean for a while, and then I can start figuring things out.

Because now I am stuck somewhere in Season 3 Jack form, and he was really unpleasant a lot of the time, don'tcha think?

Then again, I could just be having a bad day.

OUT

7 comments:

  1. Something must be in the air...I am in a funk too. Does the roller coaster of emotions ever stop?

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  2. It's been crazy here, too! I have a new theory that maybe it's due to spring. The time changed. Waiting for summer movies to come out. The school year is winding down. Are we supposed to be shooting out of the ground and blooming at full force? The weather is strange. I'd like to just chalk it up to that! I have no doubt you will feel better soon.

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  3. I just watched that episode of Lost last night. That was weird.

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  4. I just watched that episode of Lost last night. That was weird.

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  5. For me, this time of year is always a difficult time. Especially in Oregon, it rains and is quite depressing when you are stuck indoors because your front yard is, well... a swamp ;) and your son is sprouting with energy that can not be contained by 4 walls.

    Reflection is always good, but don't stay there too long, or at least I try not too. It can drive me batty with over analyzing a situation or feeling, to the point where I can't see the forest for the trees !

    I've never watched Lost, so can't relate to that, but don't see you as an unpleasant person through your posts. I see a person searching for his path (don't we all wish it was laid out with a flashing arrow marque saying... here is your path), and what I would say to you is what I tell myself when I'm in the middle of what I call "my struggles", find JOY in the JOURNEY !!

    Hoping that as Summer gets closer, more sun with shine, both in our lives and in the sky !!

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  6. found myself crying for no reason today and crankin the Adelle CDS...I MISS LOST!! Best show EVER...plan on watching in its entirety for a 3rd time soon! :D

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  7. The Scott Family:
    It does stop. When it flies off the tracks and crashes into the Tilt-A-Whirl. :(

    Kelly:
    Interesting theories all. Man, I remember how much I used to jones for Summer movies. Now I see Summer movies in the late Fall. Money, lumbar, babysitting and time all play a factor. That and I am gettin' old I guess.

    Lisa 1:
    Very Lostian that you were watching it. And a great moment when Jack finally has to have one more outburst of rage to finally find peace. I can kind of relate to that.

    Lisa 2:
    Reflection and over-analyzation and I seem to be linked for all eternity. And thanks for that not seeing me as unpleasant. What I am is never being able to find peace of mind. Never at rest. I do try to find some joy in the journey, I do, but I typically find it the hardest thing to do for myself.

    And give LOST a go. You'll love it.

    Jamie:
    Howdy, long time no time. I'd cry listening to Adelle too. :) I just watched LOST again for the 5th time and wrapped it up around 3 months ago or so? I'll start it again in the Fall. I will always find something new in it with every re-watching. I just wish they would put The Shield on Netflix. At least Dr. Who is on there, getting SERIOUSLY into that now.

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