Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Of Mice and Mirrors
You know, I was poking around the blog today and looking at the posts from Days Gone By. Not really for content, more for just overall consistency and quantity. I can't stand the fact that what used to be so effortless for me, so fluid, has become so clunky and difficult.
And I can't figure out why.
Circumstances have changed, but not so radically, and how far back does it go? There has always been some...excuse though, hasn't there? Some reason that I CAN'T. That says something about either me, or it says something about how I feel about what it is I am doing. Or there could be an option 3 in there I just haven't stumbled across yet.
I once prided myself on months where I had double-digit post counts. Then I barely ever hit them. For a time I got back to it, but I always seem to circle back to struggling with it. There is an answer, to the question of 'Why?', at the very tip of my consciousness. It is RIGHT there, I can feel it. I can touch it with the tips of my overly chewed upon nubbins, but I can't get a grip on it.
Hate that shit.
Jen is slightly concerned. The other day she questioned where I was headed. She said I seemed distant of late. Can't argue with The Wife. They usually know. And I suppose I have been distant. Again...maybe there are reasons, and maybe those reasons are simple, but perhaps they aren't. I don't know.
If I were going to put forth one theory it would be this. I could dissect the entirety of my life here, now, as I am often prone to do, but none of that matters. I believe the Simple Truth is that I remain a man who is having difficulty finding the right Path on which to tread. The rest all falls into place when you have some solid ground underneath your feet.
The problem? I still have no idea whatsoever what that Path is. I feel a lot like Jack did on LOST. I'm angry a lot, confused, making some wrong choices and not really knowing myself the way I wish I did. Assuming I just 'don't have what it takes'.
Maybe I need a Lighthouse full of mirrors to smash and a beach to sit on so I can look at the ocean for a while, and then I can start figuring things out.
Because now I am stuck somewhere in Season 3 Jack form, and he was really unpleasant a lot of the time, don'tcha think?
Then again, I could just be having a bad day.