Saturday, June 2, 2012

Finding The Way Out


In an e-mail exchange, I was relating to Heather that it is puzzling to me why anyone leaves a comment in this blog about the fact that they are looking forward to hearing any more about what I have to say. Or that they are anxious to see what I might write about, etc.

I say that not as an indictment about any talent as a 'Blauthor', which may or may not exist and that is open to debate, rather as a condemnation in the consistency with which I make a commitment to the act itself and also the lack of focus I often have here. And certainly the lack of brevity, a sin of which I am clearly the most most guilty of anyone I know of who does this as a hobby.

It's bewildering to me. But many things are.

What isn't a mystery to me at all is where my head is at right now, and that is lovingly yet firmly gripped in the arms of deep depression.


Happens to me, from time to time, though I have never actually written about it during the meat of it, only after the fact. Only written about it when it was, for the most part, over and I was 'in the clear'.

But something has occurred to me, something has crystallized for me over the past couple of months that has made me decide to start writing now, while I feel this way. When I feel this down and out.

I'm not going to be getting over this.

Ever.

I've hinted at this before in the comments section of other people's blogs. I think the last time might have even been Elizabeth's. Someone said 'How do you beat all this disability shit from day to day?' and my answer was that, in truth, you don't. Not really.

You manage. You process. You survive. You navigate.

But you never really 'beat' it.


Because the fact is? You've already lost the fight. You lost it the moment the INSERT TRAGIC CIRCUMSTANCES HERE Grenade went off and your kid got hit with the blast and everyone else got hit with pieces of shrapnel. Because as soon as INSERT TRAGEDY HERE happens to INSERT LOVED ONE HERE, it is pretty much you spending the rest of your life picking up the pieces, isn't it?

It is what you can do day to day, your attitude and the choices you make and in many cases the support you can manage to gather around you, that makes all the difference in how your life, and the life of your kid, is going to be. Obviously the circumstances vary from individual to individual, and the actual issues that each of our kids suffer from play a HUGE part, but that is the subject of another blog.

This is only about how I affect things along my own journey, and my belief that much of our quality of life is affected by my ability to stay sharp and focused and steer this behemoth and keep it on course. Obviously, I do not believe I'm all that thrilled with the way I have been navigating through any of our storms lately.

Can I change it? Not sure. I don't even know that 'change' is what I seek anymore. Change suggests a becoming something else, a metamorphosis and I don't think that is something I am looking for. Truthfully change has ALREADY occurred in me, change that I am powerless to prevent because I do not possess the power of Time Travel. However, something more along the lines of 'adjustments' may be all I really need.

HASTA LA VISTA.


IRONICAL EDIT (2:43 PM - Saturday):
Since writing and publishing this, and it wasn't that long ago, maybe...what? A couple of hours? I've already found a calcium deposit in my left eyelid that is causing me tremendous pain (probably caused by all that crying and shit (PUSSY!!!), nearly fallen over twice from the pain in my pelvis, discovered what looks to be Pink Eye in Bennett who, by the way, is off the charts screaming and going ballistic. 

Crystal, the HHA who used to be so great but has been so questionable of late (and who did not call or let us know she was running late the night of the viewing for Leslie on Thursday so we had to scramble to make other plans), shows up and says she is going to a wedding and halfway through her shift starts to primp and prune and get ready. Now, typically weddings are not LAST-MINUTE invites right? Am I missing anything here? SAY SOMETHING IN ADVANCE GOD DAMMIT. Of course, the earlier part of her shift her cell phone was growing out of her ear as it is want to do.

Then of course when I turn on the big screen TV to show Carter the new Batman DLC I downloaded for the X-Box 360 with playable Robin that I knew he was going to go freaking crazy over, the Sony WEGA crapped out, with no warning, and it will take days to find out if it is just the bulb or something more nefarious. 

Inevitably, as is the case now more than ever, Jen and I had another argument about pretty much nothing, but they happen so often now that it makes it almost impossible for us to be able to have solidarity, and we need it in order to be able to keep this ship from sinking. And my greatest fear is that I am going to lose her for good because of this god-damned grenade.

Of course, I probably deserve it. I am such a shitty husband and father right now my primary thought when all this was going down was 'Well, so much for Game 4 of the Western Conference Finals tonight.'

I suck all kinds of suck.

OUT.

9 comments:

  1. Well friend, not going to placate you with the " Oh Ken you so do not suck and you are a wonderful husband and father" cuz when you are in this place, I know it does not one bit of good and actually might just piss you off more.

    So instead, I will just keep reading and you keep writing. 2 for 2. Only 28 to go. And well, will you at least allow us to feel badly for you all? Not pity mind you, just genuine care and concern.

    Sending those continued prayers of peace from afar. Can't hurt you know?

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  2. I'm with Heather. I'm going to keep reading and sometimes I'm going to nod my head and say, yes, I've been there. Exactly there. And it sucks so much that there's nothing to do but keep your head down and try to move. I believe, firmly, in inconstancy, though, and nothing, nothing, nothing stays the same. Everything changes. Nothing is permanent. Keep your head down. Know that there are always people at your back, shuffling along as well. Periodically, we'll get up and fly.

    Is that enough pablum for you?

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  3. Why do we read you? Doesn't really matter, there is no formula for why people find each others thoughts interesting. We just like YOU, we want to hear what your thinking.

    Personally you had me at your tonsil post, I have wanted you to adopt me since then.

    Depression can be a fatal illness...knowing that makes me worry about you. All I can offer you is a cyber ear. So that is what I am doing.

    If you lived out my way I would come over and remind your aid that she is an EMPLOYEE and just because her job is in your house, doesn't mean she can treat you like family. I would let her know that while on site and clocked in she needs to act an perform like the professional she is suppose to be.

    I would take your wife out to dinner, to just give her a moment to talk with another wife who loves a mentally ill spouse, its shifty ground sometimes and difficult.

    You I would send outside to stand in the sprinkler and just have some sun/water to stimulate other senses.

    Looking forward to reading tomorrows post.

    Peace be the journey

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  4. I have to agree with ELizabeth. Even though the issues or situation will always be there, it will not always be the same. I have been there too - and we also seem to be headed into another rough phase - extreme behavior issues, siblings being targeted, house falling apart, crushing debt. It seriously sucks. THe only thing to do it keep moving. Writing every day sounds like a great idea and I know I will keep reading. Maybe a little sunshine everyday too?

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  5. Ditto what Heather said. We care.

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  6. I'm going to agree with you...you really suck the way you left Jen and those boys as soon as you realized what you and your family were in for. Hope you are enjoying you're new life....or wait, that wasn't what you did.

    Well then, you suck the way you checked out and became an alcoholic/addict and are complete,y unavailable to your family....oh, never mind, that's not you either.

    The fact is, you would have thrown yourself on that ******* grenade if you could have...but you couldn't. So now, you get to be in charge of a family that gets to spend time picking shrapnel out of itself every day...knowing the damage is already done.

    If you have made mistakes....you have made mistakes. While you breathe, you have time to correct.

    That was just a reality check...I give them to myself all the time. You know me, I find that funk too....and how about that....I have been spared the major grenades of parenting so far....and I still get depressed!?

    I suck.

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  7. You Do?

    Maybe you and I should schedule some time together...if you catch my meaning. ;)

    Sorry, been so lonely of late even the crack of dawn looks good.

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  8. Oh my, it's worse than I thought.

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