Probably used that title before. Bah...should have come up with something better. BUT, that doesn't alter the subject at all, which is change.
No sooner did I queue that last blog for upload then things started changing all around me. Jennifer, usually a pillar of strength in this house, was beginning to unravel. If I didn't know better, I would say she was having an anxiety attack.
She's terrified about the trip. Mortified about not getting the news she wants. She is going down very dark roads in her mind, and she is not sure how she can make it through what is to come. I have not seen her like this since March 5th, the day we got the diagnosis on Bennett.
Do you want me to take you to the Urgent Care?
Okay, tell me what your worried about. We can solve it.
After some discussion, she told me that she felt we needed to have her parents with us. She felt that she needed them, just in case the overnight EEG was too much for us to handle, but also, and I think most of all, she was worried how she will be come Friday and Dr. Yoda delivers HIS EVALUATION.
I tried to assure her that no matter what, on Friday, that isn't THE END. If the Dr. tells us that Bennett is not a surgical candidate right now there is still more we can do to fight, but she is very anxious about that day and ultimately she needs more people there than just me. She needs her parents.
So who would then watch Carter? Because if stress is something you are trying to minimize, taking a near 5-year old to Detroit to stay in a hotel and/or hospital is NOT going to be stress reduction. It's going to be a stress additive.
Jen's sister volunteered to come here, with her two kids, and spend the rest of the week with Carter. Works out perfectly for Carter, because if he could choose one person other than Jen to be with it would be Mandy. Over even ME. That's how much he is into her, which is just fine. He is less into his Dad these days anyway, mainly because I have been less into him. That is something I really need to have changed, but that's another story.
PLUS, he gets the added bonus of hanging out with Jackson and Anthony, Mandy's kids, something he also LOVES to do, no matter what they are doing together...
So on Tuesday, it will now be Jen, Bennett, Debbie, Gary and myself all making the trip to Detroit. The more the merrier. And besides, if it makes it easier for Jen I'm all for that.
Me? I am still feeling fairly together. I've got god-awful stomach problems and haven't slept much, but even despite all the physical manifestations of trepidation the mental side of me is still very even. I think that this is because I know, now, after yesterday and seeing Jen like she was...I am not afforded the luxury this week of anything BUT remaining calm.
I don't have to be often, but I am convinced that from now until we get back to Columbus on Friday night, I am going to have to be the strong one, the role usually reserved for her and a role she actually prefers. She LIKES being the one in charge around here, and with that comes certain responsibilities of strength that she actually, deep down, enjoys.
And I learned a long time ago that everything (work, home life, etc.) goes more smoothly if I just accept my role as XO and leave it at that. Works for everybody. I am a lot of things, but I am not a good Commander. I am however, a GREAT second in command. I think it is because deep down I don't WANT the responsibility. But like any good XO, I have to ready to step up when I need to, and now...I need to.
My job this week is to be this.