Stick a Fork in Me
This morning, after another set of nearly 100 seizures I made a decision.
Right now, I am walking away from counting and maintaining an Excel file record of all the seizures. Talked it over with Jen, she said she was OK with it.
I've gotten to a point where I can't actually do it anymore. I am not certain it is really a benefit as no doctor has ever asked me for the records, and we can pretty much tell anyone who asks what his averages are per day and how the seizures manifest themselves. And I visually record the seizures every once in a while so we can physically see how they look.
Not sure if this is the right call for Bennett, whether I am doing him a dis-service or not. But when your overall mental health is in a state of distress on a daily basis, eventually you have to make some choices to keep from going more deeply into the abyss.
This is a decision for ME and ME alone.
Last week, I saw a doctor. Not for Bennett, for me. My thyroid medication had to be increased (I have a genetically inherited hypo-thyroid condition). I am continuing to take medication for ADHD and PTSD (I have anxiety attacks), two meds I had ceased taking for around 2-3 years but have had to go back to since this all started for Bennett in February. But the worst news from that visit is something I sort of knew was coming but was confirmed during this visit.
My blood pressure is out of control high. And so, my doctor has put me on blood pressure medication. This now means I am taking 4 medications a day, and the odds of a fifth medication being added soon are high. This would be for depression, which I have also been off of for 2-3 years. That looks like it is on the horizon.
Five medications? That's just not right. I am only 41 years old.
SO...time to make some decisions to attempt to reduce my overall stress levels. Time to start thinking a little more intensely about taking better care of myself. Now...let's not forget...I don't want this to totally be all about me being too hard on myself...I deserve major, MAJOR props for quitting smoking last November. I deserve even BIGGER props for not going back, WHATSOEVER, during all of this Bennett stuff.
But the 20 lbs I put on during the process is not a good thing, and I wasn't a lean mean fighting machine before that either.
Um...that ain't me, I just think the photo is a hoot.
But the weight is just one part of this unhealthy puzzle. Too much caffeine, too much artificial sweetener and other mis-understood ingredients in the things I consume. Not enough sleep. Too little exercise. Not enough things to nurture or relax my mind. Pushing rage deep down and not finding the proper place to release it.
I get the struggle with the depression/anxiety. Always had it, always will, it is a product of my early development. I actually accept it. It is what it is. If I have to take meds for that sometimes OK, I can live with that, because frankly that shit was way beyond my control. But some things I can certainly make more of an effort to control.
And high blood pressure? I can't accept that. Not as far as accepting it to the point where I consider medication the 'solution'. That's one of those things that I can certainly make more of an effort to control, and I must start attempting to reduce it...NOW.
And one way to do that is to chip away at some of the stress in my daily life, and one thing I can do immediately is to stop obsessing over the seizure count. So that's what I'm doing.
And oh yeah...all next week? No Bennett updates in the blog unless something wacky happens. Just gonna do some posts about other things.