I'm already full of nervous energy.
This week, on Thursday, we head up to Cleveland and on Friday morning Bennett will be admitted for a very extended VEEG (Video-Monitored Electroencephalogram), a high-resolution MRI (Magnetic Resonance Imaging) and whatever other tests are considered necessary to present Bennett's case for review with the surgeons and doctors there to determine his candidacy for surgery.
If they decide he can have surgery, we then have to agree and then figure out when to get it scheduled. If they decide he is not a good surgical candidate, well...then it's back to trying more medications, Anti-Epileptic Drugs that generally, by this stage in a journey like this, have a VERY low chance of fixing the problem.
We've booked the hotel, determined who takes which nights in the hospital room with Bennett and Carter will be staying with his Aunt Mandy, this time at her house (previously when we went to Detroit for a 3-day stay she came down here), since via a circuitous route we can pass through Akron on our way to Cleveland and drop Carter off.
Can't sleep. Appetite is off. I'm definitely feeling it. Something between a tingle of excitement and a heart-thumping fear. Can't describe it. Never felt this way before about a stay at any hospital...maybe because I knew at those times it was sort of a step along the way. A stopping point on this journey. This visit, this week, is still just a stopping point, but at the end of it lies a fork in the road, something we haven't had to anticipate before.
This week will be difficult for me, if the churning and whirling and topsy-turvy waves in my gut are any indication.
I was a rock, a stone, a pillar of strength when we went to Detroit. I had to be, Jen unraveled a day or two before we were leaving. I hope she doesn't in the next few days, because I think, though I can't be sure, that I might need her to be the rock this time around.
I think I'm also nervous the same way that she was last time...no safety net and it has me spooked or something. Last time, we paid to have her parents come with us as back-up. No such back-up this time around. Anyone who is familiar enough with Bennett to be back-up is unavailable. It's gonna be Jen and me...pretty much on our own. And while that didn't weird me out so much last time, it does this time.
But...I'm just gonna have to get over it. Plain and simple. It does tell me something though, this situation. I need to get more people familiar enough with Bennett and what his needs are. Be a good idea to have more options I think.
It's Sunday as I write this. Jen spent the weekend up in Akron with Mandy...a sort of 2nd Birthday thing for Carter. Some Water Park adventure. She says she has photos. Can't wait to see them.
I spent a lot of this weekend trying to stay mentally occupied. I went through tons and tons of computer files (part of a large organizational project). I cleaned the garage. I half-assed it though, frankly I need some help to move some shit. I wrapped up some junk I'd been needing to ship. I went to ToysRUs to buy a stove shield and a gate system to keep Bennett out of a problem area in the living room. Went to Best Buy, bought Reservoir Dogs (my copy got fucked up) and watched it, though I have seen it many times before.
Any time I stopped moving, stopped filing, stopped cleaning, stopped erranding, stopped watching TV...my mind would start to fast forward and the anxiety would start to creep in and take over. All because of what lies ahead in a few days.
Yeah...gonna be a REALLY difficult week. Again.