Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Yes, Regis, It's My Final Answer...

And the answer is...

C) Miscarriage.

As I mentioned in my rather lengthy (SURPRISE!) post about all the junk that's been going on in our lives, the night of September 18th my wife, Jennifer, who was pregnant (a secret I had been keeping, publicly, until Sunday), started to have some bleeding that got worse and worse over the course of a few days. After some testing last week and more testing today, her OBGYN has given us the bad news. Definitely a miscarriage.

Now...how do I feel?

About the same as I did before, maybe a bit worse. I've held on to some lingering idea that MAYBE this was just some spot bleeding and nothing more, but I kind of figured, as Jen did, that it was more than just that. The idea of it really has been bothering me a lot, I've been depressed over it, and still am, probably more today than before because of the 'finality' of the answer. But now that I know for sure I can start the acceptance/healing part of it and move on.

How does Jen feel? She's OK, because she, more than I, really believed that it was already a miscarriage. Somehow, you chicks, you just KNOW this stuff. It stupefies me sometimes with how much more you are in tune with your bodies than men are with theirs or yours. Well, we are in tune with some of your body PARTS, but that's cause WE'RE DUDES. Yes, we like boobies and butts and stuff...it is what it is.

But emotionally she is OK, she also was pretty sad about it, but she dealt with that sadness and went right into her 'my body did what was best for everybody' thing that women are so good at. Did I mention that you women are also so much tougher than men emotionally when it comes to this kind of thing? So much better at getting to the emotional center of a situation?

I asked her if she felt like she wanted to actually get pregnant ON PURPOSE now...now that we know for sure this baby was lost. I asked her if she wanted to TRY to have another child.

Jury is still out. She doesn't know how she feels about that, but I just said take some time, think it over, if it's something you want to do, I'm open to it.

So anyway, that's the news, such as it is. Confirmation of what we already suspected, but at least now we know for sure.



  1. Hugs. Its not easier once you know - it just puts you on a path to recovery. Take care of each other. Its so important to take care of each other.

    I'm very sorry to hear about the loss of your child. My very best!

  2. It's times like these that I always wish I had something profound and encouraging to say when really...all I can say is that I'm sorry for your loss.

  3. Ditto to what Sinead said. I couldn't have said it better.

    Hoping you find peace and comfort during this loss.

  4. You guys have enough crap going on in your lives you didn't really need this, but then again, Jen's body didn't really need the stress of the pregnancy now either. (It was kind of a loose/loose situation, ehh?)

    Time will come for you guys to give Bennett a little brother or sister to play with. and by that time, he will be healthy enough to be a rockin awesome big brother!

    I know you aren't much on the religion stuff these days - so take my words with a grain of salt - God is still looking after you guys. *wink* (Because I do believe the religion stuff).

    hang in there - and thanks for checking in on Becca! As I type she is having periods of snoozing on the living room floor, waking up and drinking some milk then falling back asleep.

  5. I am horrible with all the "god way" stuff...Soo I can only say what was meant to be is meant to be..:( One day at a time..we keep on truckin...((hugs))

  6. Sorry my friend. I do hope you are eventually blessed with a girl though...they are certainly life changing! You could use some positive, uplifting life changing to look forward to.

  7. Hi. I'm still new to your blog, but I read it often because I'm considering brain surgery for my son. I just wanted to say I'm sorry for your loss. I do not have any biological children, but have 3 by adoption. When my sister had a miscarriage some years ago, my friend who is a nurse for premature infants told me that miscarriages happen sometimes because something was not right with the baby. I don't know if that is helpful or not, but I wish you the best planning for your future and recovering from your loss.

  8. Glad to hear that Jen is alright. We've had one of these experiences in our lives. It was our first attempt at parenthood, taking us totally by surprise. Our doctor had said my wife was okay to travel so we took a couple days and drove down to North Carolina to visit my maternal grandmother. Had no problems. Drove back and was home for a day when she miscarried. You never know about these things. Now, some 34 years later, we have been blessed with 2 sons, a daughter, and two more sons. All grown with families of their own except the youngest. He's 19yrs of age now. Give your Mrs. all the love and attention you can muster, Ken. That little soul will come back into your lives. God Bless your family.

  9. I'm sorry for both you loss.

    And not to be an ass, but I'm a practical person, and I'm thinking more like Jen.

    Do you guys really thing this would be a good time to have a third child? You guys aren't totally free from trouble with Bennett. And though I'm sure the worst is past, there is still a winding way to go, to get him up to date with all he should already know, and do.

    If you want a third child, I totally understand, but maybe you should wait a little longer.

    That's my opinion, for all it's worth.

  10. So sorry. I was holding out a bit of hope here thinking maybe it was just stress that caused the bleeding and that the baby was ok. It sucks, I know. But as you said, now you can be open to healing.

    I think it's wonderful that you let Jen know that you are open to trying for another baby and that you gave her time to figure out what she wants. So many men don't get that, so I want to thank you for getting it.

    And hey, if you want to test run a girl, I'll send you one of mine for a couple weeks. I'll send the oldest so you get the idea of what it's going to be like when they turn 7 and start the attitude and all the "I want, I need" crap! {hugs for you and Jen}

  11. I am so sorry you got confirmation of the loss. It's a devastating thing to go through, I've been down that path 3 times myself. It's a lonely feeling. I agree with Sinead that knowing at least puts you on the path to healing. The wondering, hoping, bargaining part before it's confirmed...well, that part, at least for me, was as bad or worse than actually knowing.

    Thinking of you both.

  12. Oh man....I am so sorry to hear this. I've never been through anything like that so I don't know what you are going through, but I know it has to be hard. Take care of one another. {{{hugs}}}

  13. I am so very sorry. Stress can be really hard on one's health. I hope you guys can make peace with this. Then see what you both feel about trying for another, when you are ready.

    Thinking of y'all!

  14. Oh, man...I am so sorry. With everything that has been going on, I know this only adds to it. I will be thinking of you guys. (HUGS)

  15. I'm so sorry- for both of you- loss is loss- whether you know about it or don't know about it and whether it was a planned or surprise pregnancy- makes no difference- it still hurts. It will take time- in time you will feel better.

  16. I think Jen's right. Something wasn't right in your current situation in terms of childbearing and therefore - it didn't happen. Doesn't stop it being a tragedy though. Really sorry Ken.

  17. Ken, I'm so sorry, too, Coincidentally, before I read this, I gave you an award on my blog because I'm an admirer of yours. It is called The Lemonade Award.

  18. I have never gone through a loss like this....My sister has....That is the closest I have come to it...

    So I can't begin to imagine what y'all are truly feeling...There are so MANY kinds of losses and so MANY ways people react to them...And you never know what this feels like until you are actually THERE....

    I do honestly believe that you and Jen are so much stronger than you can even imagine....You will work through this in your own time and in your own way....Just as you have battled every other war....

    And you will make the right decisions for your family in the future...

    I am so very sorry...

    Take good care of yourselves....


  19. I'm so sorry to hear this. Miscarriage is so sad and difficult. I read somewhere that it's the only death where flowers aren't given. I hope your wife and you are feeling better, more healed soon.

  20. I have been a bit silent lately but have been constantly checking in.Sending you peace and strength.Wish I had the right words.Suppose,in the end, there really aren't any.Just know I am thinking of you all.

  21. My sincere sympathy.

  22. Ken and Jen - So sorry to hear about your loss. I also know it is a tough time. The moment you read a positive on that stick - your child becomes part of your life. That child becomes a dream of baseball games or ballet recitals. It is hard to say goodbye to that dream. It takes time ... Thinking of you both.


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