Sunday, October 4, 2009

Sunday, Broody Sunday


Sittin' here on a Sunday night, FNIA is on in the background. (That's Football Night in America for the uncool). Bummed about the Raven's loss. I mean, the ball was RIGHT IN YOUR HANDS Clayton! All it does, this game, is remind me of those things that are lacking in the Raven's playbook. One, our much-vaunted 'D' has been getting that as a grade lately, and we have no great receivers. All our guys are 2nd and 3rd WR's, we need more deadly passing targets.

Can't blame Flacco. The kid shows some real poise. Way more than I did today, and I didn't have 300 pound Defensive Ends trying to launch themselves and land on my rib cage.


Bummed about Bennett. Aggression, inconsolably screeching or crying...comes and goes. Tonight it comes. A lot. I wish there was a guidebook for how to deal with this child and help him. That's all I want to do is help him. I just don't know how. When he scratched me across the nose yanking my glasses off and lunging for my jugular with his teeth my reaction was quick and immediate.

And all wrong.

Smacked him on the face. And it made a sound, it was not a measured response. It was an emotional, sudden reaction to pain. It was totally unacceptable. I had visions of my step-father in my head. I calmed down quickly, comforted him as best I could, settled him down, waited until Jen went up for a nap and then spent about ten minutes crying as the guilt took over and I could no longer contain my emotions.

I'm sorry Bennett. All I can say is that I was totally in the wrong, I feel like shit and I'd give a lot to be able to take that moment back. You don't know why you are doing these things, and even if you did, you don't have the ability to TELL me what you need. And I don't know how to figure out what you need. All I want to do is help you, my beautiful son...and I'm failing. I just don't know what do to. I'm so very sorry.


And don't forget. This week is Trevor's surgery. Check in to Danielle's blog called Dear Trevor early and often. Send positive thought, wishes, and yes...especially your prayers. I have high hopes that this may be the beginning of a new era, a good era, for the Foltz family.

Trevor, I'll be thinking about you and your folks a lot this week.

OUT...

12 comments:

  1. Try not to feel so badly....You just snapped for a quick second...And then it was over and done with....Bennett KNOWS you ADORE him.....

    All you want is for your son to get through this phase of healing so you can see that consistently sweet personality again....

    Thanks for sharing, once again....It helps others feel like they are not alone in their frustration and pain....And you always do it BEAUTIFULLY!!!

    Cyndi

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  2. Hey,

    I really feel like I can identify with what you are going through here. My son is very agressive and he snaps often. He hits, bites, scratches...you name it, he does it. Sometimes. Other times he is as sweet as pie. And he can change in an instant. It is very, very difficult as a parent to be patient with this stuff a hundred percent of the time. I have lost my cool with KC before, and I hate myself afterwords but I try to let it go because overall I know I am a good Mom. And you are a good Dad. If you were not, you wouldn't care about messing up tonight. It's good that you told him you were sorry. Even if you don't think he understands what you mean, he probably understands more than you think. And I think that it's a good idea to apologize to our kids when we know we screwed up because it shows them that sometimes people make mistakes and those mistakes can be forgiven. I mean, seriously, how often do kids mess up? All the time. So I think it's sometimes a good lesson for them that parents mess up too. That's not to say I'm glad you lost it, but I'm just pointing out how I usually look at this type of situation. I hope that you can forgive yourself for this after some time to reflect on it. You are human. You are doing the very best you can and it IS good enough. You can't fake love. Bennett knows you love him, and I really think that in the end that is what matters most.

    Karen

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  3. I'm sorry to hear that he is having such a rough time. I so want things to get better for your whole family. YOu all have definitely been through the ringer lately...just doesn't seem fair at all. No part of seizures seems fair at all. Atleast you were able to recognize that what you did wasn't right, and I know you are heartbroken over it so try to not beat yourself up over it.

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  4. Ken, when Bennett did that he was not able to control what was happening. The only way to get him to stop is to shock him out of it. I'm sorry to say that we have had two similar incidents and in the moment it is a horrifying shock and Mother Theresa herself would have reacted. Even as the calm onlooker I have had to tap Emma on the cheek to surprise her enough to stop. Because when it is happening she just cannot stop. There is no way. It is actually impossible to put words down that can accurately describe the situation. It's such a horror to see your flesh and blood behave that way.

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  5. Forgive yourself. This path is so hard. There are many traveling with you and many who have traveled it far longer. There are always "days like these."

    Your son IS beautiful. He is on a path as well, and you are helping him as much as you possibly can.

    Peace to you.

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  6. I think Sinead left you some good advice. Someone I know worked with special needs preschoolers for a long time and I asked her what she did about kids with brain damage. I mean, their ability to control themselves is damaged. She said that taking her pointer finger and tapping them on the forehead would often snap them out of it. Just a little reminder.

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  7. Ken, try not to feel too bad. You are a wonderful father and we all know that. However, you aren't made of stone thankfully, so some reaction is expected. What you did was an automatic response to pain, these things are normal.

    I know it doesn't make you feel any better, but know that none of us would ever hold anything like this against you and I'm positive neither Bennett or Jen will either.

    Not sure if this would work on Bennett, but when one of my girls starts carrying on to the point where words won't get through, I blow right in their face. It's such a shock that they inhale quickly and look at you like, wtf?? And just as quickly the episode is over. Sometimes it requires a couple, but mostly just once.

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  8. I'll chime in witht he others. Forgive yourself. All parents have a moment where they crack. I like Adesta's idea though? I'll have to remember to try it.

    Steak and beer was the perfect cure for me Friday. Thanks for the emails.

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  9. Adesta I am going to try that. Its better than tapping. Thanks!!!

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  10. Yes..I agree that sometimes things happen so fast (and can be very painful) that your reaction is not what you would typically do. These kids are strong and sometimes they come at you by surprise. Jackson has made me have a bloody nose...twice (by accident.) Please don't be hard on yourself, you are a great dad to Bennett. You are doing everything you can, and it will just take time. Hang in there! Sending positive thoughts your way!

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  11. I have to admit we were at the mall two weeks ago and Emma clamped down so hard on a bar that I had to tap her cheek a few times (not hard I swear) to get her attention to stop. I looked up and even the teenage moms were staring at my bad parenting skills.

    I was laughing about that today and I realized Ken that we must look so bad to the outside world who wouldn't be able to walk even a hundred yards in our shoes. You do the best you can. I do the best I can. I believe our best is enough and sometimes there is room for improvement cause we are only human.

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  12. Ken I know a bit about the relationship you had with your step-father, and I can tell you, you're nothing like him. Please don't even compare yourself to him.

    You just had a reaction, was it the right one? No. Was it an acceptable one? Yes. When things like that happen we have an instinctive reaction to hit back. Sure you'll have to restrain yourself in the future, but you'll relearn it, because I'm sure you already learned it when Carter was little.

    And you don't go around slapping other adults either.

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