Sittin' here on a Sunday night, FNIA is on in the background. (That's Football Night in America for the uncool). Bummed about the Raven's loss. I mean, the ball was RIGHT IN YOUR HANDS Clayton! All it does, this game, is remind me of those things that are lacking in the Raven's playbook. One, our much-vaunted 'D' has been getting that as a grade lately, and we have no great receivers. All our guys are 2nd and 3rd WR's, we need more deadly passing targets.
Can't blame Flacco. The kid shows some real poise. Way more than I did today, and I didn't have 300 pound Defensive Ends trying to launch themselves and land on my rib cage.
Bummed about Bennett. Aggression, inconsolably screeching or crying...comes and goes. Tonight it comes. A lot. I wish there was a guidebook for how to deal with this child and help him. That's all I want to do is help him. I just don't know how. When he scratched me across the nose yanking my glasses off and lunging for my jugular with his teeth my reaction was quick and immediate.
And all wrong.
Smacked him on the face. And it made a sound, it was not a measured response. It was an emotional, sudden reaction to pain. It was totally unacceptable. I had visions of my step-father in my head. I calmed down quickly, comforted him as best I could, settled him down, waited until Jen went up for a nap and then spent about ten minutes crying as the guilt took over and I could no longer contain my emotions.
I'm sorry Bennett. All I can say is that I was totally in the wrong, I feel like shit and I'd give a lot to be able to take that moment back. You don't know why you are doing these things, and even if you did, you don't have the ability to TELL me what you need. And I don't know how to figure out what you need. All I want to do is help you, my beautiful son...and I'm failing. I just don't know what do to. I'm so very sorry.
And don't forget. This week is Trevor's surgery. Check in to Danielle's blog called Dear Trevor early and often. Send positive thought, wishes, and yes...especially your prayers. I have high hopes that this may be the beginning of a new era, a good era, for the Foltz family.
Trevor, I'll be thinking about you and your folks a lot this week.