Friday, November 06, 2009

And Another Week...GONE

Holy crap.

Where did this week go? I woke up Monday morning and suddenly it's Friday. I can't even figure out how I got here. Been so super busy with a gazillion different things with work, with the boys, with the house, with some medical stuff, I can't believe the week is now over.


So, what's the latest?

First, I am going back to Baltimore this weekend. Haven't been back in 4 years I think. Something like that. Not gonna be there long, about a day and a half, but I'm excited about it. I'm attending a party at M&T Bank Stadium while the Ravens are away in Cinci, hopefully exacting some Bengal revenge.

It'll be funky seeing that place empty and get to walk down on the field. Pretty sweet. Then overnight and a trip to the MVP Office (you know, the dudes who I work for) and then it's back on a plane and bound for home by Monday afternoon. Might even get home in time for Carter's Tae Kwon Do class.

Not a whole lot new with Bennett. Still a happy, fun-loving kid who I can't communicate or connect with. I'm trying to be patient. It's hard sometimes. Everybody around me tells me how far he has come, and all I do is sit in a puddle of shit focusing on the fact that he knew more words on his last birthday than he will at his next, which is next Wednesday.

Don't even know what to get him. Not sure really what does it for him. Can't honestly say I really KNOW him that well. Maybe I do and I am not giving myself a lot of credit (SHOCK) but half of reality is perception, isn't it? And I PERCEIVE that I do just don't really know how to 'be' with him...if that makes any sense at all. But that's the problem always isn't it? If you can't communicate, relationships suffer.

With Carter it was so easy. Maybe too easy. With Bennett...well, it's gonna be harder. But hopefully Mr. Happy Pill will take the edge off. Yes, I went to the doctor and I am now not on ONE more medication I am actually taking TWO new medications. WOOHOO! One is only antibiotic for some kind of abscess that has grown in my neck and we think is infected. Causing me some major pain.

But the other is Cymbalta. I've heard good things about it. Mainly from my wife, who also takes it. Problem is they SAY there are no side effects, but trust me there are. She experiences them. And I will too. So now when my wife and I get any time alone together, which isn't all that common, it's gonna be like trying to start a fire with two sticks. Lots of motion, but probably no blaze igniting anytime soon.

Might be best just to talk and watch movies for a while.

We'll see. The goal is to take some of the anger off, control the anxiety with something more long-term, and level my emotional state so I can start weaning off the Xanax, which I really need to give up on. We'll see how it goes.

In the meantime...I have got to try to get caught up on some of my peeps blogs...I haven't even had much time for that.



  1. I completely understand how you feel as it relates to Bennett. Taylor just had her neuro appt yesterday. It's hard to watch her lose abilities.

    I had to laugh at your firestarting picture. It just struck me as funny with the topic you were writing about. I hope it's okay that I laughed.

    Hope the new med works for you.

  2. I really liked both Effexor and Cymbalta. I had to stop taking SNRIs all together, though -- long story. Suffice it to say that if you start having muscle pain, don't ignore it.

    Anyway, finally figured out I'm someone who has to take two drugs. I now take an SSRI and an older drug that is similar to Abilify called Chlorazepate.

  3. I think your Bennett is going to "come alive" for you very soon...He is SO very, young...AND to have just had the surgery...He has SO much potential to make his gains now that the seizures have diminished...

    It has been so long with Colby that I KNOW he will never communicate any better than he does now, with his sounds and gestures and facial expressions...And the fact that his lack of communication wasn't due to seizures in the first place (since he never had one sz. until he was 8 yrs. old), I know controlling the seizures won't do it either....His brain was damaged long before....

    But BENNETT, on the other hand....HE has PLENTY of time to get there....

    So glad you are trying different meds for yourself...You'll get to the right one or right combo...My sis took Cymbalta for a good while and it really helped her...She didn't have any side effects at all...Maybe you will get lucky! And I hope your infection goes away quickly...

    Hope you enjoy your weekend...You deserve to have all the good times you can get!


  4. It's difficult to stay connected all the time with your child. I imagine it'll come and go, and sometimes you just have to acknowledge the disconnect and just love.

  5. The great thing about children is they surprise you with the things that interest them. Emma's latest interest is riding in the motorized toys in the mall. You know, you put 50 cents in the slot and they jiggle around for a minute. They are at the age where taking them to the car wash is still exciting. So don't stress too much about the gift. Likely what ever you get will get different attention than you expect. Be there. Be truly there. Don't judge him for what he can't do or what he could do last year. Tell him you trust that he understands you. Talk to him like he does. He will surprise you. Not immediately but in the coming weeks. Remember that non-verbal does not mean non receptive. Spend his birthday with him and be open to Bennett and who he is. As to the medication, I am glad that you are doing it. If it helps then you will have better relationships and its easier to light a fire when the relationship is solid. Besides, you watch football. Aren't there adds for a slew of firestarter drugs during the games? At least I have seen them during the Superbowl...

  6. I know what you need about perception. Sometimes i think that I'm just being overly negative. Like this woman said her kid likes Elmo and I feel like Charlie doesnt' have an equivalent. But really, he loves Ms. Rachel from the Signing Time Videos and he's crazy about Ernie singing Rubber Ducky. How much do I really expect from a two year old?

  7. Just a random thought...but do you have Bennett on Omegas? I've heard...and cannot validate...that Omegas have shown to help improve brain function, speech and mood. Like I said...just a random thought.


  8. Well Mr Lilly, we are now on the same meds, well Cymbalta at least (did you start with the 7 pill box of 30mg, and them moved to 60mg after a week?).

    Seeing as everyone else is showing off their medication (seems like we are all on some medication these days), I'm going to show off mine too.

    I take:

    Xanax Xr 3mg
    Xanax 1mg
    Triticum 100mg (which you guys don't have in the US, but it's known over there as Desyrel - and it's technical name is Trazodone).

    Cymbalta has been really good to me so far, but I've only been taking it for less than 6 months, so it's still early to tell, because I can develop a resistance to a given medication, in around 8 months, after that I can take a whole box and nothing happens. As for the side effects, I've had zero side effects.

    Now if we talk about Trazodone, I've had a few really not-cool side effects, mostly of a sexual nature, and I've had them from both ends of the specter, going from "Always ON", to "Not Going To Happen". But since it's the only thing that is able to get me to sleep, I just take them, and hope for the better.

    I really understand your desire to swear off Xanax, but unfortunately I'm in it for life, the only danger I'm in is if/when I develop a resistance to Xanax Xr, because at the moment there are many substitutes for Xanax but none for Xanax Xr. And I have the special privelige of having to take both, in part because I'm already developing a resistance to Xanax Xr, once 3mg of Xanax Xr was more than enough, not I take it, and I still need 1mg of regular Xanax.


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