Can't really explain why, other than to go back to the Depression thing, the as-yet-to-be-dealt-with-even-though-I-promised-myself-I-would Depression thing. In fact, so off my game, so unable to really stay on any kind of emotional target am I that we had about 20 or so people over Saturday night for Halloween...and I barely spoke to anyone, avoided contact with almost all of them, and essentially hid away until the human smoke cleared.
I just don't get it. I complain about how lonely life is right now, how routine, and when there is a break in the routine and a large group of folks with which to interact show up, I just wanted to be alone.
Now maybe, just maybe, the evening didn't start out that way. Looking back, I think I did OK in the beginning. But then...as I sat outside snapping some photos of kids coming to the door and walking around the neighborhood, that Thing started gnawing at me mentally. That Thing that starts comparing Bennett to other kids his age. That Thing that examines and compares what he can't do to what all the other kids his age CAN do.
On a daily basis, I am faced with that corner. I am not at a point yet where I have solid, tried-and-true coping mechanisms for this. Some days I can avoid turning it, be positive, and focus on the Good, not the Bad. Most days? I can't. Yeah, I'm a pussy for admitting it, more of a pussy for being unable to do it, but that's the truth, and I am at the very least able to be honest about my own shortcomings.
But when I turned that corner Saturday night on Halloween, that was it for me. And it was around that time I looked for an exit, which was in my case going upstairs to my loft office and hiding out on my computer. Even at the end, when it was just Jen's parents, I avoided eye contact, even with my wife.
Christ I'm a weird sumbitch.
Anyway, that was my Halloween, such as it was. I was a shitty host, way too hung up on the negative about Bennett than the positive, and unable to break through that barrier yet again. A lot of parents read this blog who have kids with delays, cancer, severe conditions, and a whole assortment of special needs. Hell, I read a lot of their words. Read a lot of them about Halloween too. Sounds like some good times were had by many, but some not so much.
They're an admirable group of people, and they are doing a helluva lot better job than I am managing their own personal demons. Of course, I shouldn't really compare, but I do, I think we all do. But that only compounds the problem. At least it does for me.
I hope all of you had a fun Halloween, many of you were in my thoughts. But had you been here, I'd probably have been an asshole to you too.
Tomorrow's another day. Tomorrow's another day. That's what I gotta keep telling myself.