Remember last Friday's post about music, where I was talking about a blog entry I was writing that was 'sort of 're-cap' of all the shit in my life that led up to me deciding to stop blogging for a while during a period where I was, at least I believe I was, dangerously close to the edge of a cliff I would not have been able to climb back up had I fallen over'?
Well, I think perhaps that cliff is still very much in plain sight, and I'd be lying my fucking ass off if I said I did not think quite a lot about the sweet solace of turning around, breaking into a run and leaping off of that cliff and letting the wind guide me straight into whatever lies at the bottom.
One day it is great. One day it sucks like nothing has sucked before.
One hour I am blissfully enjoying some distraction, almost forgetting the awful parts of not just our lives but the lives of those close to me. Another hour I am trying to fight back tears that seem to want to burst out of me with no apparent catalyst in that moment that I can detect whatsoever.
One moment I smile. One moment I am grabbing my head, wishing I could dig my fingers into my skull and pull the raging pain that is throbbing and pounding and eating away at my will to keep fighting from behind my eyes.
One second I try to be positive and I actually succeed. One second I find myself feeling like I want to beat the living shit out of something or saying something so horrible that it hurts someone I care about.
Today was not an easy day. My God...the screeching. The howling. Sounds I never thought I'd hear come out of a kid. Sounds that had been persisting for weeks but seemed to have abated for a while. Sounds that are now back full force.
All this week Bennett will be home from Autism School since they are on a break for the week. If the rest of the days are anything like today...well, you'll have a front row seat to that final moment when one of your fellow human beings at last loses what little grasp he has left of his mind.
It might be really fascinating to witness.
It might not.