Friday, August 6, 2010

That Question Post

The last blog I wrote, which posed a question that I wanted some people to answer, was very compelling. I hope more people answer gave me a ton of things to think about. I will probably go back to that subject and address some of the individual answers later, but something occurred to me this morning.

I have so many questions in my head, and whenever I start running down the list of questions in my head, more questions pop up. Never any answers.

Concrete answers I mean.

All we really have are suppositions, best guesses and possibilities.

And more questions.

Always more questions.

It is now no surprise to me, thinking of it in those terms, that I am struggling SO hard, with managing my emotional state from day to day. It is easier to understand why so many of my SN Brothers and Sisters struggle so hard. We're all on the same mysterious island.

In fact...this may be THE KEY to finding some measure of peace within myself. Figuring out how to come to terms with all the questions that will never, ever, ever be answered.

Funny, because I began to think of LOST. It's a reflection of my mental state. Some questions answered. Answers lead to more questions. Some questions only half-answered. Some not at all. Interpretation plays a major role. Personal experience and perception affect your relationship with the show.

W-E-I-R-D. Especially since I am currently re-watching the series from the beginning and finding even MORE shit that I want freakin' answers to knowing all the while I won't get them and probably wouldn't feel satisfied with the show even if I did.

Double-edged swords. Are there any deadlier types?

As I run down that list of questions I have in my head about Bennett, I am fairly sure it would be VERY difficult to choose just one. As I am sure it was difficult for anyone responding to that Question Post in the Comments section. I also think, that if I choose ONE question to get answered my choice might be different from year to year. From month to month. From week to week. From day to day. From moment to moment.

Depending on what was going on. Depending on where my head was at.

I suspect the same is probably true of those who answered.

Anyway, a warm, gooey hug for all the people who took the time and of course, as always, thank you Asian PornBot for making your usual appearance. My how I love having to delete you every day. Ass.



  1. HAHAHAH OMG I get the Asian chinese crap alllll the time for commnets...that is why I switched to me having to go thru eaaaach one and approving them...ugh pain in the ass! Dunno how to "block"
    (sniff sniff...I miss LOST)

  2. I started to answer yesterday and then read the comments that had already been left...most having to do with what does the future hold for my child. That is so not my question. Mine is still why did this happen and when and where did things go wrong with her brain.

    We dealt with infertility for 5 years before finally conceiving Julia on our 4th IVF attempt (and after several miscarriages). My pregnancy was initially twins, we lost one baby around 9 weeks and went on to have her. I am still haunted by the fact that I went through so much loss, yearning, loss of her twin, to have to go through more loss with the loss of a "normal" child. And while I know shit happens and this is probably just one of those things, did I do something? Did the demise of her twin somehow screw things up? Where did things go wrong? If it was just a fluke I would like to know that too so I can stop beating myself up.

    Somehow I don't worry too much about the future. We are lucky in that while she is not a typical 4 year old, I don't feel unduly burdened by what's been dealt to us. We got lucky. We have the resources to provide for her when we're no longer here. It will be okay. But I still want to know WTH went wrong. The pathology report from surgery didn't give us answers really so we're still left scratching our heads.

    Sorry for the novel. :)

  3. You are right...I do think our ONE question DOES change through the years...I'm a good example of that....

    Thanks so much for the QUESTION post...It was very thought provoking to read and also to see the comments...

    (I was always curious about your "deleted comments"...LOL!)



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