Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Why Anti-Depressants [Sometimes] Suck Ass


I remember once, I was about, I dunno...early to mid-twenties. I went with some friends to a party. We were late arriving, and I was anxious to start killing brain cells, so to avoid all the bullshit small talk and double-speak I got right to the point. (Kinda always been that way, much to the horror of my wife when we are at social gatherings).

The room was filled mostly with people I knew, so I raised my arms up and said, in a VERY loud voice:

'Excuse me? Excuse me! People? Hey! PEOPLE!!!'

Crowd grows quiet.

'Does anyone here have any form of drugs?'

Not long after, I was toking on a doobie and feeling much better.


But that was then. This is now. I was cool with the drug experimentation, the recreational use of grass (hee-hee...grass) and so forth, but nowadays I look at my medicine cabinet and I am downright embarrassed at how many different prescriptions I am now taking.

Been dwelling on it a LOT...I am only FORTY-FUCKING-TWO! I should not be taking this many meds! But then what happened? Because I was going deeper and deeper into the abyss because of all the shit I talk about on these very web pages what was the result? Another drug was added. ACK! I'm supposed to be going in the opposite direction here.


Less drugs, not more.

Anyway these drugs have been taking their toll, especially on my weight and on my WEE-WEE. Ever tried shooting pool with a rope? It's fairly difficult. Well, at least I think so...I have never actually tried it myself, but I imagine it would be almost impossible. See...whenever you attempt ANY task using a tool that is supposed to be rigid and that tool is more limp than an over-cooked spaghetti noodle, then the task just ain't gonna get done.

Is that enough euphemism for you or do I need to spell it out for some folks? Plain and simple, I can't get an erection. Well, I can get a sort of half-assed one if a LOT of effort is put into it, but even with that the payoff at the end almost doesn't register. I mean, it happens, but I don't really FEEL it happen. Capise? So...because of this, there be no horizontal shuffle going on in this house.


Now how is THAT supposed to make me less depressed?

As for other bodily functions...um, well, how about this...Excuse me? Does anyone have any form of laxative?. Other issues abound as well, like fatigue and stuff, but guess what? I was fatigued BEFORE the medications!!! This is a tiring existence, this Special Needs Theme Park.

I will admit though, that for a very short while, the Wellbutrin, the last drug added, started to help. It didn't obviously fix all that ails me, but it helped me turn a corner and start heading back up the cliff instead of continuing to slide down. But it didn't last.

For a reason I have no explanation for, I ended up right back where I started within a month or two. Depression growing, anger swelling, despair looming.

But the dilemma remained. How do I start to get rid of all these drugs and not have to constantly battle to keep myself away from the edge of the cliff?


Much to the chagrin of some people close to me who feel it is a very poor decision, about two weeks ago I started to wean off the two AD's, and now am completely off the dosages. Why this? Why now? Because I actually do have an appointment with a real Psychiatrist on August 30th, and wanted to be clean of the stuff before I got there. I have a WHOLE agenda of what I want to propose to the new head-shrinker, even have a list started as far as directions I wanna go, namely non-drug directions.

We'll have to figure out how to pull me off the Xanax, but I do still have the anxiety attacks, and still with some frequency, and that's a big problem, one that I am not sure can be managed right now WITHOUT drugs, so not sure how we'll fix that, but as for the AD's? I'm just sick of the fact that they tend to muffle your emotions rather than deal with the problems. They work for some. They are necessary for some. They might be necessary for me. But I want to stop for a while.


So yeah, about that Lightsaber battle in my head. That's what the 'Brain Zaps' feel like and sound like...between my ears. This happens to me as I withdraw from these medications, though I wasn't expecting them for these two. You can even look this shit up on the Internet, it's been described by many. Just type 'Brain Zaps' or 'Brain Shivers' into Google.

No one else can hear them or feel the disorientation they provide me with. Sadly, it is also like the sciatic nerve being pinched in my back right now caused by my deteriorating lower vertebrae and the searing pain it causes from my left buttcheek down to my left foot. People don't take it seriously unless they have experience with it.

But the sounds are INTENSE, and for me it's like a Lightsaber duel, all day long. Ironic that the Lightsaber duel has intensified this week as I withdraw, which also happens to be when Star Wars: Celebration V is being held, which is focused on the 30th anniversary of the greatest film of all time The Empire Strikes Back, and as we all know TESB, as we geeks like to call it, had the best Lightsaber battle...EVER.


I don't care how fast Maul was or how cool Yoda looked bouncing off walls and columns and shit, or how impressive the Force-assisted flipping and dodging of lava was for Obi V. Anny Round I, the best Lightsaber duel was a young, inexperienced Luke Skywalker trying to hold his own against his more powerful adversary, Darth Vader, and while never really having a chance he puts up a good fight.

Loses his hand and finds out his Daddy issues are just beginning, but waddya gonna do? This was Pre-Ewoks, when George Lucas actually cared about DRAMA.

SIDE NOTE: Who did I wait in line with, in the rain, for hours and hours to see The Empire Strikes Back on opening day? This guy. That's how far back we go. Actually we go back farther than that. I had met him shortly AFTER the premiere of the original Star Wars.

So anyway, yeah the inside of my head this week is quite a thing to experience. Imagine this...



...inside your head all day. 24-7.

That's just one small part of my Anti-Depressant withdrawal symptoms.

Not much fun.

OUT.

13 comments:

  1. Though I chuckled a few times, this is a serious post. I am glad to hear you have an appointment set up and also glad to hear you are doing a slow wean so you can start fresh. I think that's important. New doc, new meds (or non med intervention). I assume you are considering alternative diets, homeopathy, etc. I wish you luck, I can't imagine the mental "pain" you deal with daily. The sciatic though? I know that pain. It's horrible and nothing stops it.

    Good luck in your "battle".

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  2. Maybe a little TMI but I do appreciate your honesty. I also feel for your situation. I know how stressful it is to have a special needs child and can only imagine how hard it must be already having anxiety and depression issues. I'd like to make a suggestion. It may not help in the least but I have a friend who had debilitating anxiety attacks and one day she read a book and it changed her life. I can't vouch for the book as I've never read it, but my friend swears by it. It helped her immediately...way better than any medication she had ever been on. Now she's med free and just carries this book around with her...anytime she feels stress coming on, she opens it up and rereads it. The name is Feeling Good by David Burns, MD.

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  3. Get yourself to a naturopathic doctor and watch your life change.

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  4. I keep getting ads in my email asking if I want a bigger, harder penis. Actually, I don't, but I just sent off the $30 and when it arrives I'll send it to you. How they know it will be bigger and harder than mine, I am not sure, but hopefully it will work. So that problem is solved.

    And after reading this article PLEASE send me your unused Wellbutrin ...

    Hang in there Ken, lots of us care, for what it's worth.

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  5. That is a crazy thing about ADs. Give a drug to improve mood, and temporarily destroy the persons ability to maintain intimacy in their relationship.

    I sure hope the Psychi is willing to listen to you. (Seems like a rather important part of their job.)

    Till then..."Use the force Ken."

    (I was SO sure that Vader was full of crap...I kept thinking "What a mean trick to play, tell someone you're their father...that's just fighting dirty.")

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  6. I am glad you are getting off some of these drugs and going to see a psychiatrist. It doesn't make sense to be taking so many drugs that are supposed to be doing the same thing. (Especially if it isn't working.)

    As for the withdrawl, I feel your pain and it sucks. End of story. So sorry you have to put up with it.

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  7. see your mistake was you started on prescription drugs. Personally, I would have stuck with the "grass"

    (okay I'm only half serious but I did find it much more therapeutic than any of the prescription drugs my doctor gave me when I was going through my 2 years of horrible physiotherapy while simultaneously getting a divorce - not nearly as painful as some of your shit, but hey....if it helps....)

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  8. I think many of us who parent special needs kids can relate to this. I don't have a limp spagetti noodle in my undies, but I do have zero sex drive. My husband says we are more like roommates than spouses. Sadly it's true. When I try and wean off my AD's (Yes, I take two different ones) - I am such a bitch. It's not fun for me or anyone around me.

    I hope that the psychologist has some great suggestions! In the meantime, I hope your garden hose starts building up pressure again soon.

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  9. Well,I have done my own very short stint with AD's.Not for me.Found that what ever minuscule side effect they could produce,I had.

    Coming from a very long lineage of OCD,anxiety ridden,bi-polar family members, as well as helping a few of my very own loves through their own "stuff",I can so relate to the complexity of it all.

    Sending all good things your way as you move forward,one moment at a time ...

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  11. JSmith5780:
    Though I chuckled a few times...
    Well that's great...I id my job. I try to use humor to buffer off some of this pain I feel, both physical and mental. I am considering alternative diet. First and foremost, I need to eliminate certain things, like Aspartame, from my body. I also need to start eating cleaner. Not sure I'll go the Homeopathy route. I like girls too much.
    My best to another back pain sufferer.

    Reagan Leigh:
    Maybe a little TMI...
    Yeah, but I gotta be me. Though I do often upset my spouse, who feels I am way too open. And vulgar. I tend to look at it a different way. I try to say what I think other people also feel/think but would never say themselves. I try to be honest, brutally if necessary. I'll look into the book. I actually used to have a book like that. The Road Less Traveled by Scott Peck. But since God and I are separated pending divorce that book, once it hits the section about Spirituality I start to miss out on the message and instead twist myself up with anger/frustration.

    Claire:
    Can you elaborate? Are they like Shaman who like take out livers with their bare hands?

    Single Dad:
    So I'm confused. Once it arrives, am I getting the kit or your enlarged penis? Cause I might have to mark Return to Sender if there's a real wee-wee in there. About the Wellbutrin...I find that believable. I took an AD once that made me incredibly horny. Like teenage level horny. But it was short lived. So I buy the story.
    Hang in there Ken, lots of us care, for what it's worth.
    Worth more than you know...approximately $2,764,332.18.

    DD:
    I think we argued that point for months. I believed the 'Father reveal' and you didn't. Was fun to speculate. With the Internet these days things like that just won't happen again. I hope the Shrinker does point me to someone I can talk to regularly and cheaply. I need intensive, hard-work therapy way more than drugs.

    the other lion:
    Appreciate that. It's a major bummer. But at least this time with the brain zaps I know what they are. Last time? I was in panic mode cause I knew nothing. I thought I had permanently damaged my brain.

    Stryder Wolfe:
    I actually agree with you dude, more than you know. See, I hate the way alcohol makes me feel. So I don't drink. However, I love the way a toke on a hooka pipe make me feel. Not saying I want to get balls to the wall STONED, just a hit, to relax, not unlike someone who has a beer with dinner. The problem, as stated by Detective Murtaugh when asked by his daughter about why she can have a beer but can't smoke a joint? Okay I'll tell ya. Because at this moment, beer is legal, grass ain't. Right or wrong? RIGHT, Detective Murtaugh! And I don't want to play hide the soap in the joint while my kid is trying to learn how to talk.

    ANewKindOfPerfect:
    Thanks for sharing. As weird as it is to talk about this stuff openly, it'd healthy. Hey if Bob Dole can talk about his limp pole, we should be able to talk about AD med side effects on our libido.

    Heather:
    Appreciate the well wishes, and judging by the stuff YOU have been through, you know exactly what it's like to battle inner demons every single waking moment.

    Comment Deleted:
    Dude, if you are gonna put Asian porn site links on my blog, can they at least be GOOD ones? Anyway, I take that back. Get a life, Spambot! OMG wait...on second thought I don't want you to get a life, cause that would mean Artificial Intelligence and then it's us against Skynet and who wants THAT?

    I'll be back...

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  12. I fully support you in this "quest," let's say. And at risk of being all big sister/advice-giver/medicine womanish, I'd tell you to find a really good Chinese doctor who works with both herbs and acupuncture. Preferably Chinese, actually, who will help you to bring your body/mind/brain/soul back into some sort of balance. They are also particularly helpful with drug withdrawal.

    Peace to you.

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  13. I know this is a REALLY old post, but I've been reading through your archives, and I had to say that you are so right about the brain shocks. I came off effexor about 6 months ago, and I still get the occasional one or two now. I never made the connection with lightsabers, but now that I've read it, it's impossible to ignore!

    Anyway, I'm gonna keep reading through :-)

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