Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Holy Mother

It's been a long time since I have been inside a Catholic church to contemplate Life. Been inside others, for other reasons, but not a Big 'C' in quite a while. But man are they hauntingly gorgeous. Beautifully terrifying. So much New and Old Testament orchestrated simultaneously. Claire's post about it really captures the mood of it, for any of you non-Catholics out there.

I wonder how I would feel were I to enter one today.

I'd feel like shit.

For no other reason than I just feel like that today anyway.

What's in there?

Only what you take with you.

It's been dreary, cloudy and rainy for two days and I miss my Mother, plain and simple.

She left yesterday morning and I am only now able to write about it. And I had a difficult morning with Bennett, he just flipped out on me during breakfast and I couldn't figure out why and I...well, I was more fragile than usual and I didn't lose it or anything I just spent the morning with as wet a face as his was.

My Mom's visit was great, don't get me wrong, maybe one of the best we've had in years, though far too short. And not just because she bought me HALO: Reach. But the real meat of the why I am saving for another time, and for another much longer, much more intricate series of blogs which I have given her 'power of first edit' on.

The main problem with why I am feeling bad is that she just lives too far away, I hate it, and when she leaves it always takes me a day or two to get used to the idea of not seeing her again for a long time.

What is worse is that now, sometimes, I have to sometimes walk down a dark path of wondering if this might be the last time I DO see her. And I hate that shit, because since we both are trying so hard not to cry when we say goodbye, we avoid eye contact, we rush the whole experience of the 'thanks for this's' and the 'thanks for that's' and the 'talk to y'all's laters' and then after the car pulls away and I am alone, since by then Jen and the kids are usually gone.

Anyway, it sucks. And I miss her.

The kids love it when she is here, and I took TERRIBLE photos, I was too busy just watching in awe as she worked her Gramma Mojo on them that I didn't take good ones when I had the chance and when I did have the chance I was off my game and I tanked the shots. Of them together I mean. I got some decent ones over the weekend of Bennett and Carter separately, but none of my Mom and the boys or Jen and the boys, and certainly none of Jen or my Mom that they would sanction.

But the photos in my head? They are some priceless shit.

She has always had a great rapport with Carter. But she hasn't seen a lot of Bennett and when she has seen him he's had the seizure problems, the surgery recovery and all that shit. Bennett made a connection with her that I have never seen him make so QUICKLY with another human being other than his own Mother. It was very, very heart-warming. And I could see how hard it was for my Mother to let him go this time. I felt as bad for her as I did for myself.

I also found myself wondering if Bennett was even aware if she was gone later that day, and that thought, the idea that he was oblivious to her absence considering how much he loved it when she was here...that really bothers me.

And it bothers me that it bothers me, because I can't figure out why it should bother me.

Anyway, I'm fried.



  1. You know, Ken, Sophie doesn't remember stuff from one moment to the next...like the fact that her big sister, her favourite person in the whole world, is away at school all the time now. I think, ultimately, it's a bit of a blessing for them. Less pain in the end.

  2. What a beautiful post -- it's very moving that you have such an intense relationship with your mother. I think there is a deep soul connection between grandparents and grandchildren. My own three kids see my parents no more than twice a year or so, and they've always, always, loved them intensely. I just don't get it. Even Sophie -- and how much she "knows" is a mystery -- loves my parents.

    I, too, have a terrible melancholy when my parents leave after a visit. Even though they drive me a little nuts, there is something so primal about the leaving.

    Feel better.

  3. I've been on both sides. Living far away (as in Africa far) from both sides of parents. And now...having my mom 10 minutes away. Give or take with the school buses.

    I used to think it wasn't a big deal. And truly...I didn't mind (or don't remember minding?) seeing my parents (or his) once or twice a year.

    Now I can't imagine living without my mom so close. Just another way that Trevor has changed me.

    And if there is one thing in this world that my mom was created to do...it's to be their grandma. She's always had a special connection with my children. Each of them. But there is a different sort of love that flows between her and Trevy. It's beautiful to watch. And I feel SO very blessed that when our world came crumbling down...and we had NO idea where we'd land...that it ended up being here. Close to her.


  4. Give Bennett time. . . for Charlie's entire life he's seemed completely indifferent to people. Only now, at three and a half, does he seem to enjoy people, recognize that they've been gone, and all that jazz. It's a a skill and maybe Bennett hasn't gotten it yet.

  5. Love reading about your relationship with your mom...and that of her's with your sons...

    As you probably already have figured out, I am EXTREMELY close to my mom, as I was my precious daddy...When he got sick with ALS and I lost my home (due to the ex), we moved right across the street from them...It has been such a blessing in so many ways...

    The relationship that Colby has had with my parents? Sounds very similar to what you are describing...Of course, their bond with Shawn has also been extremely strong...But Colby? It's just "different"...
    Something more tender...

    I hope you will be able to spend more and more time with your mom....



You Are a Beautiful Blank Page...Do You Have a Great Pencil?

Christmas is over. That sound you hear is my sigh of relief. The tree is not actually down, as the opening image suggests. That was a t...