Monday, November 15, 2010

Bloody Hell

Spoken with a crisp, Dominic Monaghan accent, at least in my head. For those of you who don't live in Geektown, Dominic Monaghan played Charlie Pace on LOST, and also Meriadoc Brandybuck, or Merry as you would probably know him, in the Peter Jackson film adaptation of J.R.R. Tolkien's The Lord of the Rings.

I always wondered where the word 'bloody', as an expletive, came from, as used by the Brits. I looked it up. God bless Wikipedia and Google. I could not find any definitive single answer. Just a lot of different theories. I particularly liked 'The suggestion that it originated as a reference to Jesus 'bleeding' on the cross is compelling for its shock value, callousness and sacrilegious intent, just as the Irish, and those of the diaspora, will exclaim 'suffering Jesus' in response to something shocking.'

I could hear the words in a heavy Irish brogue as 'Sooofurdeeng JAAAHHYzooz!' All due respect to Sinead and all her ancestors, or course. And probably a few of mine as well. I'm sure Aylesworth, my original last name, has some Irish in it somewhere.

I was suffering...quite a bit, this weekend. Remember on Friday, I mentioned I had a doctor's appointment for a hacking, nagging cough? Well I went as scheduled. I did NOT, as it turned out, see my regular doc. I saw the other doc in the practice. He checked me out and deduced I had a mild upper respiratory infection, and prescribed one of those 5-day antibiotic packs...Z-Pack or Z-Pap or something of the sort? I can't remember the exact name. (Looked it up. It's Azithromycin. Z-Pak.)

You take two doses the first day. I took that dose at around 8:00PM Friday night. At around 12:30-1:00AM Saturday Morning the problems started. I awoke feeling cramps and pain in my stomach. I felt the need to duece, do I say it, the soft-serve style, so I ran to the bathroom. Nothing was happening, but the pain was pretty severe.

I had been constipated for about 2 days. So there were some Keepers of the Gates of Hell blocking the way for this rush of, let's just call it the Demon Horde that was trying to burst through. So, a fight broke out, with much sweating, much light-headedness, and some near passing-outedness.

Finally, the damn broke and the gates opened. The cramps and pain finally diminished. In delirium, I went back to bed. But about every hour, I would cramp back up, as more Demons wanted out of Hell. By 5:00AM, the Demons wanted out of both ends, so I grabbed a bucket, and alerted the wife of the issue, just so she was aware of what was going on.

I spent the entire day in bed, and that is extremely unusual for me, cause even at my sickest I want to get up. I just had no strength. I only got up when the cramps forced me to. And by noonish, I realized I was only expelling a few tablespoons of blood. Nothing else but that. I let Jen know that too, but I think she thought I meant that it was blood mixed in with, you know, other stuff. It wasn't until later in the early evening when I called her into the bathroom and showed her that she realized that I meant actual blood.

She arranged to have the kids watched and we went to the Emergency Room. Once there, they basically determined I had not lost much blood and they poked around back there (JOY!) and could feel not rectal tears or anything so they basically said that since it had diminished that they could admit me or I could go home and see if it started to improve and then follow-up with a GI guy and if symptoms took a turn for the worse come back. They also gave me some stuff to take for the cramping and stuff.

We decided to come was a weekend. Nothing would happen with me staying there. So why stay? Better to be home, I was in no real danger. Hospitals are NO place you wanna be. So we booked. Sunday it did lessen in intensity, but still happened about once every 2 hours in a smaller amount. I slept through the entire night. Today only one time a small amount, but I am also afraid to eat, and my stomach is very very sore today.

I called the GI dude's number they gave me for the follow-up, presumably so that he could do some testing and such to determine the source of the bleeding or do further testing. The receptionist there scheduled me an appointment...for NOVEMBER FUCKING 30TH.

Yes, that is correct. I have blood coming out of my butt and I have to wait two weeks to see someone about it.

In fact, I had to ask her to repeat herself because I wasn't sure I heard her correctly. I explained to her that although the symptoms had diminished I was still having the problem. She said if the symptoms got any worse that I should call my regular doctor or go back to the Emergency Room.

Oh...OK. Thanks! First of all...what the FUCK is my regular doctor going to do? I didn't say this to her, I mean, I can't rip in to this woman, what fault is it of hers? But seriously, what can my regular doctor do? Tell me a joke? Take my mind off of it? He is not a GI specialist. What a stupid thing to suggest.

I was just pissed...I mean, what was the point of calling the specialist? In two weeks, I will either:

A) Be dead.
B) My body will have healed whatever the problem is on its own.
C) I will have had a reversal of fortune and had to go back to the ER.
D) I will have one hell of an uncomfortable two weeks waiting for an appointment for a minor issue that could turn into a major one while I wait for said appointment.

Oh yeah...and by the way. That cough?

Yeah, I still have that.



  1. Don't you love getting older. In our youth, we would have just laughed at the symptom and gone on. Now..NOW it's "obviously" clear evidence that we are dying.

    You sound as hypochondriacal as I am. Litterally. I had a..."procedure" performed when I was 40 that most people don't experience until they are 50 all because I had a concern....

    I do hope that you are over the stomach crud soon. Sounds like the worst...and you're not supposed to strain....

    Since you started with the cough...I'm guessing it's not any of your worst fears.

    Do you have energy to play COD Black Ops? Oh my, oh is AWESOME. It has a Zombie game just for you.

  2. Richard, generally I avoid doctors like I avoid dentists...and I hate dentists. Seriously, I can't stand 'em. I would rather stay at home and sweat it out. But when you are shitting actual blood, I figure that's worth at least a little concern, yeah? I isn't 'usual' behavoir by any stretch of the imaginaation.

    Odds are? Probably tore something because of the Gatekeepers having to be pushed out by the Horde. I get that. But if it is still bleeding after three days...even that's kind of something that seems a bit odd to me considering that no one has told me WHAT TO DO as far as eat this, drink that, try to do this so that you don't do that.

    Bottom line is that I kind of rushed through the blog, but frankly I felt rushed through this process and never once have I felt taken care of or about, but that's just life and the medical system. Why do you think we (me and Jen) fight so hard for Bennett? Because if we don't, who will, know what I mean?

    I guess you think I'm over-reacting and I suppose that tons of people come in to the ER with bleeding asses in your world (something you want to tell me?) but I think I'm actually under-reacting considering my personality.

  3. Oh and I can't afford COD:BO. Hell, I still haven't bought COD:MW2 brutha. I have a yearly limit on new games I allow myself. I met that with RDR. Can't get anymore in 2010. Mom bought my Halo: Reach and Madden: 2011 I won in a contest.

  4. OK...I have a friend who was an ER nurse. Once, a patient felt that she was dismissing his symptoms -- not taking them as seriously as he. The conversation went like this:
    "Well, you don't seem to be very impressed!"
    "Sir, I'm not."
    "Sir, look, I do this all day, everyday. I have seen things that you can't even DREAM. Trust don't WANT to impress me."

    That being said, I think it is total HORSESHIT what you have had to go through. Here's the decision flow chart I wish doctors would follow:
    1. Stuff is coming out of the it coming from an orifice that typically leaks? Yes, go to #2........No? PANIC.
    2. If the stuff that's leaking similar to the typical leakage? Yes, take 2 aspirin........No? PANIC!

    I'm sorry you're still coughing... I'm sorry your backside is going all horror movie on you. That SUCKS!

    Rest. Drink lots of water, apple juice, grape juice. Eat mashed potatoes, pasta, bannanas. In a day the scene from Carrie should be done...

    Feel better.

  5. Well I live in Portugal, so I have what most of you Americans don't want to have: Government Health Care. And I have to say you guys are right, but them again maybe not. I'm sick all to often, so I have a personal heath insurance, so when I need to go to the doctor I have an appointment that day or the day after, but if you have to wait two weeks, might as well switch to the government health care, because that what I have to wait for an emergency off insurance.

  6. Did any doctor mention Antibiotic induced Colitis?! I've had it...sounds the same. I started mega doses of pro-biotic (a good quality health food store capsule) and it resolved pretty fast. 2-3 days.

    Fun times.

  7. OMG Ken!!! Even in your darkest hour your writing amazes me. Sure hope you feel better soon. Here is my newest remedy...Pepperidge Farm Whole Grain bread Double Fiber. It is a beeauch getting old.

  8. You are so much more diciplined than I actual video-game budget...I'm embarrased at my lack of control now. (But I'm still going to enjoy it.)

    I know, I agree with your concern...I have just found that I usually panic...and then feel like I have dodged a bullet. You are probably going to get "the scope" treatment. (And will get to wait for it for a couple of more weeks.) Good luck.

    Speaking of dentists. I got my front teeth fixed recently.....4 hours in the chair with no laughing gas. Not fun.

  9. Kim:
    Resting and drinking lots of water. Still have to wait my turn. No blood after the last one mentioned. Nothing else either coming out. Some pain, some cramps, some soreness. Today there is a lot of activity in there. Sounds. Noise. Distension and some build-up of gas I think. I'm almost afraid to let it out. We'll see. I've eaten very little, but what I have has been smart.

    I could be seen tomorrow if I wanted to be. But in the Emergency Room, which just seemed stupid to me. Why waste the time of ER people? That's why it seemed so dumb. Why wait two weeks for a GI specialist and then tell someone to go to the ER if they felt worse? Here's why that sucks. Because MOST people would just go right back to the ER. I won't, because I don't have to, I am not in a state of emergency. But a lot of people would, and that's abuse. And that's why our medical system is in such turmoil.

    No one mentioned that. But I looked it up. That usually occurs after the anti-biotic cycle and generally the symptoms present differently. But not a bad suggestion.

    Thanks, I appreciate the compliment and the recommendation. You must be in the camp that thinks I tore something by the initial strain of the Gatekeepers. I tend to agree at this point, but still will probably have some scope done now. Might as well, since I am in my early forties now. And more fiber? Yeah, time to start keeping a daily count on fiber and sticking to it.

    Dora's Daddy:
    Not disciplined at all. Remember, you are the professional psychologist and instructor. I am the unemployed, currently freelancing fuck-up who has lost his way on his career path in's a simple matter of economics, my lifelong pal. Discipline has nothing at all to do with it. (But see, if you got X-Box you could not only play with me on X-Box LIVE you could give me your old games.)

  10. You know, I just noticed that you are kind of a pessimist.

    You don't know HOW tempting killing bad guys with you is...or even shooting you in the back every now and then. Ah...gaming. I'm afraid it would severly tax our spouse's patience though.

    The only good thing about "the scope" was the Demerol.

  11. Oh that really sucks, Ken!! Don't you just love the run around we get from the doctors? lol

    We had a similar experience with Austin back in Sept. He had a bacteria infection and had the lovely bloody, mucus diarrhea, vomiting, etc. I called his GI doctor (that he had from another bacteria infection two years ago)...they gave me the same thing. Two weeks til we could get in. Um, nevermind, that does us ZERO good. We ended up getting to do the fun stool samples at the ped's.

    Hope you're feeling better now...

  12. Man, that sucks. I'm shocked by how laissez faire doctors are about things that freak me out completely.

  13. I've been meaning to respond all week but was hovering over the toilet when reading it and didn't have the energy for toilet humor. If I had a blog I would probably devote several hours to writing a post on the cultural stereotypes about the Irish. Hmm. A little lost factoid: when I was in Boston I wrote and my friends and I performed a parody on the Americanization of ST Patricks day to the tune of bohemian rhapsody. To date, my favorite piece of my writing. But I digress. Suffice to say that in almost 40 years, I have yet to hear an actual Irish person say "sufferin jaysis".

    Hope all in the antipodes is back to normal now.


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