We Interrupt the Regularly Scheduled Event of Me Lying Out of My Ass For This Special News Bulletin
OK, I'm not REALLY lying, in the technical sense, in that I actually AM thankful for all the things I have said up to this point. And it has felt VERY good to write about these things. But timing is everything, and I gotta be honest...in many ways, I am simply not FEELING it as much as I might be indicating.
There are a few reasons really.
Several black clouds hang overhead.
The Bennett cloud is always there, as we desperately try to make any headway we can in trying to communicate with him. It's hard...damn hard, and frankly I crunch on Tylenol like they are Sweet-Tarts.
I get headaches a lot. And there are other issues, looming, of all kinds. Economical, medically terminal, relational, and on and on.
There are days when you sometimes just don't want to get out of bed. But you do anyway...because you love the ones you're with. Period.
And when one of them suffers, you suffer. When another suffers, you suffer even more.
Case in point? My other son, Carter.
He and Jennifer are on their way to the Emergency Room as I type this (to F---ING Nationwide F---ING Children's F---ING Hospital). His medical issues are worsening, and I am now, officially, starting to become very, very worried about them. It started as a Strep Infection on October 30th. Apparently it has turned into Glomerulonephritis, and while this often resolves itself, especially in children, Carter's...hasn't.
He's had blood in his urine for a couple of weeks. Fatigue. Enlarged glands. Puffiness. Intermittent fevers. It's viral, so there hasn't been much we could do except to monitor him closely, and keep him fed, hydrated, rested and healthy as we could. (CORRECTION ADDED 11/25/10 at 12:50PM: It is not viral, as my nurse wife has reminded me. It is still bacterial, but it is some kind of secondary inflammation of the kidney that has no real cure or actual treatment. It either resolves itself over time...or it doesn't. You can only manage the symptoms. I have much more to say on this later.)
His blood pressure has continued to rise, though, and as of this evening it exceeded the number the doc gave me, and clocked in at around 136/86. I've done all the reading one does in a situation like this, and as you know, it consumes a parent.
But I'm not sure I can handle this. I can't handle two kids going down dark paths, can I? I've seen other people do it, guys like SingleDad, but he's made of far stronger grit than I. So all I can do is sit here and hope that somehow this turns out to be nothing in the long run and that Carter's Glomerulonephritis does not become something worse. Hell, I don't even know for sure if I UNDERSTAND exactly what it is that he has.
I'm probably over-reacting. It's probably just fatigue and stress taking control of me.
Tomorrow, I'll get up and go back to the List as if nothing has happened, though I will pepper in an update if I know anything at all. But I have to be honest, to myself and to the people that read this...it is SO hard to look for the good sometimes in a world that constantly dishes out platefuls of shit not just to me, but to SO many good people I know.
Not impossible....I'm not saying that.
Just very, very hard sometimes.