Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Lake Flaccid Iced Over

That's what it feels like when you have no electricity.

You're powerless. And we depend on electricity to enjoy our daily lives, hell to even get things done.

I'm sick of this shitty power grid I live on. I missed the AFC Championship Game for no reason whatsoever. This ice storm? OK, I get it. But still. 4-6 days until power is restored to our house? I am now dangerously close to missing the Super Bowl.

But that's chump considering what else this is costing me overall.

1. The NEW, new Home Health Aide was supposed to come by to meet Bennett. Postponed.

2. Bennett is out of Natural Environment. More Chaos = Less Happiness. Less Happiness = More Stress.

3. More Stress needed like hole in side of head.

4. Did I mention that I make what little livelihood I can FROM MY HOME? I need access to my home to make that chicken scratch.

5. Power loss caused me to miss PSYCHIATRIST APPOINTMENT this morning at 9:15. That and the one-inch thick sheet of ice on my driveway. Me missing my Head Shrinker = More Stress and Dangerously Close to missing a dose of medications you CANNOT MISS DOSES OF leading to, you got it...MORE STRESS.

6. Loss of a LOT of stuff in the refrigerator in a month that we are already going into knowing that we will be struggling. February will be a very tough month. I knew that already. It just got tougher. I am salvaging what I can, but it will hurt. Not to mention the gas bill arrived today. This has been one HARSH winter. And since the kids have been home SO much for the past two months, I have not been able to keep the thermostat set at 62 degrees in the daytime like I normally do (I can dress warm all day).

But with them home I have to jack it up to at least 68. And I KNOW that is still cold cause whenever it kicks on Bennett runs for the vents like a guy in the desert who hasn't had water in two weeks. Poor kid. I know it sucks that your old man can't get his career back in track. I promise I will. At least we still have a house. Just please, stop throwing hard objects into the walls. All the damage you are causing is gonna make the loss we take on it that much bigger. And it will be big.

My attitude just sucks lately.


Sorry, wish I could sugar coat a turd and sell it as Tootsie Roll, but I just can't.

Silver linings of late have been VERY hard to come by. Bennett's quarterly review of last week was disappointing, although not totally unexpected. He is doing very well in some areas. He is initiating greetings, which is huge, but there has always been something missing in Bennett, ever since that chunk of him was taken out.

I've never seen it come back. It hurts. What hurts more is watching him hurt himself and not being able to stop it or to...what's the REACH him. He is so...cut off from me in those times, almost as if he is not there. And don't get me wrong...I may not have told you this, and it's a huge deal. I can ask for a hug now...AND GET ONE.

That's a huge freakin' deal. I know several people who read this who would kill for something like that. And I do acknowledge it as something I should feel very lucky to have. But I will also stand by my right to bitch about the fact that a warm moment like that can occur and then as he pulls away he will punch me in the face. Hard.

How do you wrap your head AROUND shit like that?

I just don't know. How do explain to your six year old that even though Bennett just slapped him silly that Carter is in no way allowed to retaliate? These are trying times, uncharted waters. We tried to, and are trying to, look for help, but as usual Nationwide Children's Hellspital of Columbus is what they have always been.

No help at all.

First, they pretty much outright refuse to let us go right to a Behavioral Pediatrician or Psychiatrist. They insist we go through the Autism facilities, even though his case is not traditionally Autism and despite all that we have already done all the Autism testings and junk (I FUCKING knew signing that 'label' would bite me someday)...but even THAT? They can't give us a call back on a possible appointment for at least 4-6..........WEEKS.

Let that sink in for a second.

Yes, I said weeks.

Even though he sometimes bites his arms so hard he breaks the skin? Even though he threw a heavy toy so hard yesterday in frustration and my shin just so happened to be in the way that it made me, a 42 year old man, buckle over with tears streaming down my face?

4-6 weeks.

Thanks, NCW....again.,..for what you do best. NOTHING.

And to think I have to take Carter to your Hellspital to see a Nephrologist to look into his kidney problem I can't wait for that joyous ride. There is one...ONE...kernel of hope there. Jen's Mother worked in that department for over a decade, and she knows the docs there and swears by them. That's a good sign.

So thanks for listening to me vent. I am doing it from the kitchen table of that very same Jen's Mom...thankfully they have power and they have been gracious enough to let us descend like gnats on their quiet home.

Ain't quiet right now, I guarantee you that. But it nice to have a safe haven, a retreat to go to in times like these. Many folks don't have that. See? Bright side.



  1. Been absent a bit,so where to start...

    Matthew.So very sorry.Sending peace and strength to all who love him.Knowing that in this moment,that that is all that anyone can do for them.

    The flu,well I would have thought you would have used the my curse word of choice,the other f word, in front of the flu ... would have been a nice mix.Hoping Bennett is fairing alright.Which brings me to a little tidbit I was given by a child psychiatrist and it holds absolutely true for my complicated Joe ... when his little body is fighting off something,usually strep or flu type stuff,his behavior is out of this world.Like lost his mind out of this world.His meds.are basically ineffective in controlling behavior and this doctor said that their little bodies can't process all the things that they need to keep in check so fighting the illness comes first.the rest goes to the dogs.Just a thought on how things are on the behavior front for Bennett.

    Hoping power comes quickly and there is a turn in the tide for everyone.

  2. Man, what a tough go. I'm sorry to hear it...and wish there was something more useful to say/do.

  3. You don't need to apologize for your funk, however deep or extended or anything. Being in a funk is just that: being in a funk. It will go away and you will draw strength from somewhere, inside probably, and things will change. I truly believe this.

    I'm with Heather about the flu and its effects on children. There is a distinct central nervous system aspect to viruses, and I think when they occur nearly all children (and some adults) feel out of sorts. Our children -- Bennett -- feel the stressors put on the CNS even more intensely. Ride it out. It'll be all right.

    Analyst Elizabeth is signing off and sends you a big embrace. (that's just because "hugs" sounds too cutesy)

  4. I'm so sorry. It really is just a sucky time of year, isn't it? We haven't had any major issues, but the whole family has been sick for weeks and it's making me cranky.

  5. Just started reading your blog (classic opening line, you'll be buying me drinks later)and I like it. This is the part when I tell you that I'm a single (but assisted) dad of an autistic teenager without making it sound like I'm visiting a dating site. All this so as to establish a tenuous relationship so that when I have an actual comment on a post you won't say 'Who the hell is this guy?'. Man, I'm glad we got that straightened out...

  6. So sorry that things suck right now. Hoping for more silver linings and less crappy days.

  7. Heather:
    Yeah the Matthew thing was bad, real bad, and thanks for the condolences. I had not thought about the flu and its relationship to his behavior, though there had been some increase prior the flu, the flu could be a culprit in some of this recent stuff. A big fat 'DUH' I deserve.

    If I get really antsy I'll just go look at your food porn.

    I usually apologize for everything. Let me also extend my apology for Global Warming and the plethora of bad television. I tend to carry a LOT of guilt.

    Plus we have other reasons to be bitchy. Both of our teams were eliminated in the playoffs, which is extra sucky.

    Welcome aboard. You had me at 'Just started reading...'. And the rest was funny as hell. I can tell already I'm gonna like you.

    Jen: too. Especially now. My throat is starting to feel all mucus-ey. I may have caught 'IT' or something, and that is gonna be crap. But at least we are back in the house now, power hath been restored.


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