Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Lake Flaccid Iced Over
That's what it feels like when you have no electricity.
You're powerless. And man...do we depend on electricity to enjoy our daily lives, hell to even get things done.
I'm sick of this shitty power grid I live on. I missed the AFC Championship Game for no reason whatsoever. This ice storm? OK, I get it. But still. 4-6 days until power is restored to our house? I am now dangerously close to missing the Super Bowl.
But that's chump considering what else this is costing me overall.
1. The NEW, new Home Health Aide was supposed to come by to meet Bennett. Postponed.
2. Bennett is out of Natural Environment. More Chaos = Less Happiness. Less Happiness = More Stress.
3. More Stress needed like hole in side of head.
4. Did I mention that I make what little livelihood I can FROM MY HOME? I need access to my home to make that chicken scratch.
5. Power loss caused me to miss PSYCHIATRIST APPOINTMENT this morning at 9:15. That and the one-inch thick sheet of ice on my driveway. Me missing my Head Shrinker = More Stress and Dangerously Close to missing a dose of medications you CANNOT MISS DOSES OF leading to, you got it...MORE STRESS.
6. Loss of a LOT of stuff in the refrigerator in a month that we are already going into knowing that we will be struggling. February will be a very tough month. I knew that already. It just got tougher. I am salvaging what I can, but it will hurt. Not to mention the gas bill arrived today. This has been one HARSH winter. And since the kids have been home SO much for the past two months, I have not been able to keep the thermostat set at 62 degrees in the daytime like I normally do (I can dress warm all day).
But with them home I have to jack it up to at least 68. And I KNOW that is still cold cause whenever it kicks on Bennett runs for the vents like a guy in the desert who hasn't had water in two weeks. Poor kid. I know it sucks that your old man can't get his career back in track. I promise I will. At least we still have a house. Just please, stop throwing hard objects into the walls. All the damage you are causing is gonna make the loss we take on it that much bigger. And it will be big.
My attitude just sucks lately.
Sorry, wish I could sugar coat a turd and sell it as Tootsie Roll, but I just can't.
Silver linings of late have been VERY hard to come by. Bennett's quarterly review of last week was disappointing, although not totally unexpected. He is doing very well in some areas. He is initiating greetings, which is huge, but there has always been something missing in Bennett, ever since that chunk of him was taken out.
I've never seen it come back. It hurts. What hurts more is watching him hurt himself and not being able to stop it or to...what's the word...to REACH him. He is so...cut off from me in those times, almost as if he is not there. And don't get me wrong...I may not have told you this, and it's a huge deal. I can ask for a hug now...AND GET ONE.
That's a huge freakin' deal. I know several people who read this who would kill for something like that. And I do acknowledge it as something I should feel very lucky to have. But I will also stand by my right to bitch about the fact that a warm moment like that can occur and then as he pulls away he will punch me in the face. Hard.
How do you wrap your head AROUND shit like that?
I just don't know. How do explain to your six year old that even though Bennett just slapped him silly that Carter is in no way allowed to retaliate? These are trying times, uncharted waters. We tried to, and are trying to, look for help, but as usual Nationwide Children's Hellspital of Columbus is what they have always been.
No help at all.
First, they pretty much outright refuse to let us go right to a Behavioral Pediatrician or Psychiatrist. They insist we go through the Autism facilities, even though his case is not traditionally Autism and despite all that we have already done all the Autism testings and junk (I FUCKING knew signing that 'label' would bite me someday)...but even THAT? They can't give us a call back on a possible appointment for at least 4-6..........WEEKS.
Let that sink in for a second.
Yes, I said weeks.
Even though he sometimes bites his arms so hard he breaks the skin? Even though he threw a heavy toy so hard yesterday in frustration and my shin just so happened to be in the way that it made me, a 42 year old man, buckle over with tears streaming down my face?
Thanks, NCW....again.,..for what you do best. NOTHING.
And to think I have to take Carter to your Hellspital to see a Nephrologist to look into his kidney problem I can't wait for that joyous ride. There is one...ONE...kernel of hope there. Jen's Mother worked in that department for over a decade, and she knows the docs there and swears by them. That's a good sign.
So thanks for listening to me vent. I am doing it from the kitchen table of that very same Jen's Mom...thankfully they have power and they have been gracious enough to let us descend like gnats on their quiet home.
Ain't quiet right now, I guarantee you that. But it nice to have a safe haven, a retreat to go to in times like these. Many folks don't have that. See? Bright side.