Monday, February 28, 2011
Just had it taken at the local Photo Studio.
You ever do something you almost instantaneously regretted, but by the time you did it there was simply no way you could get around the fact that you have zero chance of taking it back?
Hi...my name is Ken, and I am a Horse's Ass.
You've heard me mention Mandy, my wife's sister, many times before. Mandy has always been one of my greatest supporters, and if you recall, she was instrumental in helping me keep my marriage intact back in the summer when it was teetering on the brink.
You have to understand something about Mandy to fully appreciate what a Class A Buttholio thing I did. Mandy would not even hurt a bug. She's the type of woman who would take a bug out of the house and not kill it. You know the type of person I mean, and I know...THE BUG THING annoys me too, but that doesn't make that person any less sweet or genuine.
And that's what she is...genuine. You'd never meet another person as eager to help you as Mandy.
So on Saturday evening she includes me as part of a forwarded e-mail chain. To all the Special Needs Brethren and Sistren, you know the kind I mean...the hopeful, religious type of e-mail, about things that God wants for us and means for us. There were a lot of 'God said this...' and 'God said that...' type of statements in it.
My response was 'But what would God say if I punched him in the face?' or something to that effect. Which lately, I have just had a very strong urge to do.
My reply wasn't a reply directed at Mandy, but my reply was rude, it was snarky, and it clearly showcased my extreme anger at God.
I did NOT have to do that.
I've talked about this kind of thing before here, and so have some of you...like the Welcome to Holland poem, and how we react to it, and other kinds of phrases and types of encouragement. And up until Saturday night, it had all been theory for me, I had never experienced a real moment like this so I didn't really know what I would do or how I would react.
In this case?
I'm downright embarrassed by my reaction.
Essentially, I spat in my sister-in-law's face, and her response showed me as much. I hurt her feelings. I can't stand that I did that. I can't stand that I am so...engulfed by anger sometimes about God and the way things are going that I would do that.
And it isn't like I told her to shove it or anything like that...I just should have said nothing at all. I should have left it alone, not pushed back. Not, as I am fond of saying...'peed in the corn flakes'.
There's just no reason for it.
Anyway...I can chalk it up as a lesson learned, but it cost me. And I fear the expense of that cost long term. I've since written to apologize, twice, cause it is eating me alive. I haven't heard back.
I dunno...maybe today I am getting what I deserve...we had a new Home Health Aide lined up, all set to start tonight. Got a call from the Agency. The new Aide backed out and is not taking the job.
I woke up this morning, after this weekend of feeling like a complete jerk-off thinking 'OK...maybe tonight, we can get with this new Aide, set some things in motion, take some steps, get some things going in a more positive direction.'
Morning went like clock-work, no major events, things were going pretty good, got the call around 1:00 PM that the Aide was not gonna be coming.
Man this shit is so hard. I mean...I never expected easy...I just never expected it to be so hard.