Monday, February 28, 2011

My Self-Portrait


Just had it taken at the local Photo Studio.

Like it?

You ever do something you almost instantaneously regretted, but by the time you did it there was simply no way you could get around the fact that you have zero chance of taking it back?

Hi...my name is Ken, and I am a Horse's Ass.

You've heard me mention Mandy, my wife's sister, many times before. Mandy has always been one of my greatest supporters, and if you recall, she was instrumental in helping me keep my marriage intact back in the summer when it was teetering on the brink.


You have to understand something about Mandy to fully appreciate what a Class A Buttholio thing I did. Mandy would not even hurt a bug. She's the type of woman who would take a bug out of the house and not kill it. You know the type of person I mean, and I know...THE BUG THING annoys me too, but that doesn't make that person any less sweet or genuine.

And that's what she is...genuine. You'd never meet another person as eager to help you as Mandy.

So on Saturday evening she includes me as part of a forwarded e-mail chain. To all the Special Needs Brethren and Sistren, you know the kind I mean...the hopeful, religious type of e-mail, about things that God wants for us and means for us. There were a lot of 'God said this...' and 'God said that...' type of statements in it.

I reacted...badly.

My response was 'But what would God say if I punched him in the face?' or something to that effect. Which lately, I have just had a very strong urge to do.

My reply wasn't a reply directed at Mandy, but my reply was rude, it was snarky, and it clearly showcased my extreme anger at God.


I did NOT have to do that.

I've talked about this kind of thing before here, and so have some of you...like the Welcome to Holland poem, and how we react to it, and other kinds of phrases and types of encouragement. And up until Saturday night, it had all been theory for me, I had never experienced a real moment like this so I didn't really know what I would do or how I would react.

In this case?

I'm downright embarrassed by my reaction.

Essentially, I spat in my sister-in-law's face, and her response showed me as much. I hurt her feelings. I can't stand that I did that. I can't stand that I am so...engulfed by anger sometimes about God and the way things are going that I would do that.

And it isn't like I told her to shove it or anything like that...I just should have said nothing at all. I should have left it alone, not pushed back. Not, as I am fond of saying...'peed in the corn flakes'.


There's just no reason for it.

Anyway...I can chalk it up as a lesson learned, but it cost me. And I fear the expense of that cost long term. I've since written to apologize, twice, cause it is eating me alive. I haven't heard back.

I dunno...maybe today I am getting what I deserve...we had a new Home Health Aide lined up, all set to start tonight. Got a call from the Agency. The new Aide backed out and is not taking the job.

Figures.

I woke up this morning, after this weekend of feeling like a complete jerk-off thinking 'OK...maybe tonight, we can get with this new Aide, set some things in motion, take some steps, get some things going in a more positive direction.'

Morning went like clock-work, no major events, things were going pretty good, got the call around 1:00 PM that the Aide was not gonna be coming.

Man this shit is so hard. I mean...I never expected easy...I just never expected it to be so hard.

OUT.

14 comments:

  1. Assuming that your apologies were sincere and heartfelt, and assuming that her belief in God and her religion includes the concept of forgiveness, then there should not be a problem. You have done all you can.

    Although I claim to be a heathen, I am somewhat religious. Most people know not to send me such emails, or even leave such comments on my blog. I try not to respond to the occasional one out of anger, but that is all too easy. Usually I use logic or sarcasm, not necessarily a better solution, I realize.

    So, if God only puts on your plate what you can handle, would my daughter be normal if I were a weaker person?

    Oh, and punching God in the face may not be the best idea ... it's not polite to hit a woman ...

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  2. I am not a very religous person..heck I was ready to get a JP to get Married but ended up in church which was nice..but I dont understand the whole Religion thing..I really dont..I feel weird in church.It reminds me of funerals..I guess I have been to too many..:( You need to tell her just what you wrote... I just love what SIngle Dad wrote..:)! Kinda sorta has a good point...
    workin on the blog music..LOL

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  3. Ouch. I've done this -- not exactly the same thing, but similar --

    There's no way around it -- the shame, the remorse, etc. It's good you've apologized, and I'm sure your SIL will respond eventually. I think part of asking for forgiveness is not expecting it. That's hard.

    I also think most truly religious/spiritual people wrestle with God, anyway, feeling angry, disbelieving, etc. What you did might have been thoughtless, given it was goodwill sent by your SIL, but it certainly wasn't terrible or unusual. I think it's probably a good thing for all those involved to cool off a bit -- your SIL is in it, I'm sure, for the long haul and she will learn that anger, explosions, sorrow, grief, the cursing of gods -- all of these things go with the territory.

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  4. Earlier today I wrote something very similar to Elizabeth's but lost in cyberspace somehow and couldn't recapture it's original vibe.Elizabeth said it better than I though.So go with her's.

    But I too have been there.A few times over the last 4 years.Forgiveness was given by some and others,not so much.And that is the risk we take when we make amends.But I like Elizabeth,am certain your sister-in-law will come around in time.sooner than you probably think.

    Till then,forgive yourself.Another good place to start.

    And as a sidenote to Elizabeth's comment on wrestling with God .. we have a really amazing new priest in our parish and a few weeks back he said."God wants us to wrestle with Him.Just make sure,in the end,He comes out on top"

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  5. Or...one could alter certain god concepts and get on with the business of wrestling with reality.

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  6. ...all of us are horses' asses. The best that we can do is try not to let it show, and apologize when we eff up. So -- you are right on target.

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  7. "God wants us to wrestle with Him.Just make sure,in the end,He comes out on top"

    Holy cow! First, YOU have to make sure that GOD comes out on top?? I don't know about your God, but I don't have to "let" or "make sure" S/He wins. God is capable of coming out on top all by his/her self. Second, why even bother wrestling with the God that messed up your kid in the first place (if you so believe that God micromanages to the point of fixing things, then S/He messed them up in the first place, no?) And finally, a good punch in the face is so much easier than a wrestling match that you throw, no?

    Sorry, I don't get the wrestle-but-lose thing. Sounds like a waste of good energy.

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  8. I wonder if it is nearly as difficult to bite ones tongue when they believe and have a reaction to something one who does not believe (or believes differently) says as it is in the reverse? Probably not...

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  9. My father used to say (probably still does, but he lives 1000 miles away, so I can't hear him) 'The sun will even shine on a dog's ass somedays' And like a law of mathmatics the reverse must also be true. And what is true for dog's asses must also be true for horses. Do you see where I'm going with this? ('cause I kinda got lost at that sudden left in the middle) I think the woman knows you well enough to understand the difference between a knee-jerk reaction and your true nature. You might have to make the last 100 yards on your belly, but I'm sure you'll eventually be forgiven...

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  10. Oh how I wish we could rely on modern technology…I did email you back twice on Sunday, as soon as I got your emails. I did this from Brian’s computer on the roadrunner email site – as I was at a hotel and like you it was on my mind all day! I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your apology and how horrible I feel that it has made you feel this bad. Ken – as I said in the emails (that should be now forwarded to you again), my response was impulsive and not very nice back so I owe you an apology as well. Check your email for “more details” on the subject and please let me know if you receive it this time… you horse’s ass ;) Water under the bridge bro!! (BTW…I always like reading the comments section of your blog…you’ve got some good peeps checking in.)

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  11. I hope it was assummed on my first post but I didn't actually say it...you are forgiven...of course. And also thank you for the kind words you wrote. I do hope that some day religion and God find you some how, some where, at some time because, for me at least, I don't know how I'd get through the bad stuff without them. That's what I hope for you. Now if you'll excuse me...I have a few bugs to save.

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  12. You really hit the jackpot marrying into that family, no?

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  13. I was going to say that if your sister-in-law is truly as wonderful as you have described her then she has probably already forgiven you. And it looks like she is indeed (wonderful, that is).

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  14. This is Joyce. Tears here, this is so touching. I doubt that you and Mandy realize what great examples you both are. I only wish my SIL was as kind, smart and understanding.

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