Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.


I get asked quite often a rather simple question.

'How ya doing?'

I never have a simple answer. Not if I want to answer honestly. I have to force myself to spit out a lie, something quick and painless. I generally choose the Hair Response.

'Fine', I reply. 'Just fine.'

Truthfully, some days are good. Some days are bad.

Most are just there.

Most days don't even take up any new space on my hard drive...since nothing new really happens. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. An endless cycle.

Irony not lost on someone who has no hair to wash.


Days become so much a mirror image of each other I wonder if they ever even happened at all.

Is it Monday? Thursday? Sunday? I can often forget what day it is living a life the way I have been lately. The only way I can describe how I feel sometimes is by likening it to walking through a forest that I am totally unfamiliar with. I hear voices, some familiar and some not, calling out to me, telling me to come here or to go there. So many to choose from, so little faith in myself to know which ones I should heed.

A thick, dense fog prevents me from seeing but a short distance ahead. All I have is a sense of fear of what awaits and an overwhelming perception of myself as too weak and too stupid to do the things that any man should be able to do for his family.

I stand there instead paralyzed, feeling isolated and alone, with little hope, minimal self-confidence and a sense of self-worth so shattered that it is barely able to be measured at all.


Sometimes rounding the next bend of the path through this thick jungle might...MIGHT...bring a renewed sense of purpose, but most of the time it brings some new, psyche crushing defeat. The thing is, the new defeat in and of itself is most likely minor...but it is being stacked on such a large block of accumulated knock-outs that it feels...monumental.

I try so hard to remember a quote I read recently that I found uniquely inspiring, a quote of Winston Churchill, I believe...'Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.'


But I'm so sick of failure. Sick to death of it. I've been buried in it for so long I feel the stink of it will never wash off of me. I seem to do nothing but disappoint myself and those closest to me. I need a win and I need it soon.

But how do you break out of a slump when you are so deeply buried by it?

I dunno.

Gotta try and figure it out. Because for so long for every step I take forward I take two steps backward and I am getting nowhere.

I guess by now you kind of figured out that today is one of the BAD days, huh? Yeah...it happens. It's also my Mom's birthday today. Happy Birthday Mom...hope you are having a good day. It's cool that the 'visit' lined up with your birthday...I hadn't connected those dots before. That's awesome.

Anyway...I'll be fine. I just need to solve several hundred problems and everything will get groovy. Just gotta figure out a way to figure out a way. That's gotta be easy enough to do, right? Right.

NOTE TO SELVES: Get out of the house more.

OUT.

6 comments:

  1. ((((((HUGS)))))) It's all I've got.

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  2. You've got the desire to change things and half the battle. You are writing about it. Now want it enough. Don't give up. You can do this!

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  3. oops, I meant: You've got the desire to change things and THAT'S half the battle...

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  4. Hugs to you. Hang in there. I've said it before: mindfulness meditation for stress reduction. I wish I could grab you by the arm and march you to a class. I wish that you'd stop judging yourself.

    I think I'll just resort to virtual hugs like Claire.

    Hugs.

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  5. I hope the good days start piling up faster than the bad days for you, and soon.
    I do wonder whose yardstick you are measuring yourself by because from a complete internet stranger's perspective, you're dealing with a lot of forces beyond your control with grace and humour. Just sayin'. :)

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  6. Hello my friend.
    Sorry I missed your Hawking post. School ended and I have been computer dark for 2 or so weeks. Just wanted to be a waste of space (in the mornings at least). I hope you get good news from the specialist tomorrow!
    The short repsponse to the Hawking post...I was not overly surprised. I read one of the articles announcing his position carefully and with interest. I am sad that he feels/thinks the way he does. He could be right.
    It doesn't bother me though. I tried to think of what would change if I chose to reject my faith...
    1) I wouldn't go to church on Sundays and Wednesdays.
    2) I wouldn't tithe any more.
    Ummmm.
    3) I would get very, very, very, very depressed.
    4) I would start smoking and drinking more (not really...without God, I would want to live even longer).
    5) I wonder if I would tell my child....
    This might just be a question worthy of a blog.
    Still and always on your side my friend. If I was rich I would be on a plane soon to see you!
    R

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