Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
I get asked quite often a rather simple question.
'How ya doing?'
I never have a simple answer. Not if I want to answer honestly. I have to force myself to spit out a lie, something quick and painless. I generally choose the Hair Response.
'Fine', I reply. 'Just fine.'
Truthfully, some days are good. Some days are bad.
Most are just there.
Most days don't even take up any new space on my hard drive...since nothing new really happens. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. An endless cycle.
Irony not lost on someone who has no hair to wash.
Days become so much a mirror image of each other I wonder if they ever even happened at all.
Is it Monday? Thursday? Sunday? I can often forget what day it is living a life the way I have been lately. The only way I can describe how I feel sometimes is by likening it to walking through a forest that I am totally unfamiliar with. I hear voices, some familiar and some not, calling out to me, telling me to come here or to go there. So many to choose from, so little faith in myself to know which ones I should heed.
A thick, dense fog prevents me from seeing but a short distance ahead. All I have is a sense of fear of what awaits and an overwhelming perception of myself as too weak and too stupid to do the things that any man should be able to do for his family.
I stand there instead paralyzed, feeling isolated and alone, with little hope, minimal self-confidence and a sense of self-worth so shattered that it is barely able to be measured at all.
Sometimes rounding the next bend of the path through this thick jungle might...MIGHT...bring a renewed sense of purpose, but most of the time it brings some new, psyche crushing defeat. The thing is, the new defeat in and of itself is most likely minor...but it is being stacked on such a large block of accumulated knock-outs that it feels...monumental.
I try so hard to remember a quote I read recently that I found uniquely inspiring, a quote of Winston Churchill, I believe...'Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.'
But I'm so sick of failure. Sick to death of it. I've been buried in it for so long I feel the stink of it will never wash off of me. I seem to do nothing but disappoint myself and those closest to me. I need a win and I need it soon.
But how do you break out of a slump when you are so deeply buried by it?
Gotta try and figure it out. Because for so long for every step I take forward I take two steps backward and I am getting nowhere.
I guess by now you kind of figured out that today is one of the BAD days, huh? Yeah...it happens. It's also my Mom's birthday today. Happy Birthday Mom...hope you are having a good day. It's cool that the 'visit' lined up with your birthday...I hadn't connected those dots before. That's awesome.
Anyway...I'll be fine. I just need to solve several hundred problems and everything will get groovy. Just gotta figure out a way to figure out a way. That's gotta be easy enough to do, right? Right.
NOTE TO SELVES: Get out of the house more.