Friday, June 10, 2011
The Time Has Come
It is 5:10 PM as I begin writing this entry.
Jen has just given me a rather longer than usual hug goodbye. I say that with some odd reflection. There was a time I would have considered that rather short. But times change, as do people, and lately the two of us...well, we simply are not as close as we used to be.
That happens a lot in regular marriages. It happens even more in those where Disability Grenades go off in the home. (One of these days, I have got to figure out what one of these DG's actually LOOKS like.) We both recognize it as something we have lost and would like to have back...but we haven't yet figured out how to prioritize that yet.
So many other things have to get solved first. So many.
Like how in the name of all that is Holy am I going to survive this week?
As she walked out the door and got in her car, I felt like puking. I knew Bennett was inside sleeping on the sofa. Unfortunately, he went down at school for a VERY late nap, nearly 3:45 or so, and that will mean a late night for us both. Not a huge deal, but the LAST thing I wanted was this...
He is going to wake up with Mommy just gone. There was no goodbye. And that is going to resonate. It always does.
It's like being hit over the head when you are in one location, knocked unconscious, only to wake up to find yourself somewhere else. OK, maybe not that drastic, he knows that this is home...but no Mommy, no Carter, and it will be an ENTIRE SEVEN DAYS before he sees either one of them again.
I can tell it affected Jen too. Probably more than even she even expected. She has never been away from him this long. It will be difficult for her. I hope not so much so that she can't take full advantage of the break and have some fun with Carter and the rest of them. That's what all this is about. A stress-free vacation.
The house is really quiet right now. I have pits in my stomach, my chest hurts, my head, my back...I can feel my veins. My hands are shaking. This is the onset of what they like to call a 'panic attack'. But, I have medication for it, and I've already popped an extra. It will subside.
It's been more than a week now since I have had ANY carbonated beverage. To you, that may mean jack shit. To me? That's HUGE. I've had Stevia in my coffee and only had two cups per day. Been drinking green tea. I've had more vegetables in the last seven days than I've had the last seven months, I shit you not.
Because of all that? This me and Bennett on our own thing? It's a good test for me, and I take it gladly.
Where's my number two pencil?