Monday, September 26, 2011
Feeding the Beast
It's funny what writing blogs like these inspires in some of the people involved.
Of course, taking an extremely long break inspires, from the readership, two main reactions from two very different groups. In one group it inspires concern. People wonder if I have slipped into some kind of Funk Zone. Am I back into one of my timeless depressions from which I have to work myself out? In the other group, the more casual reader, it inspires the act of moving on, as it should.
If you don't feed the beast, the beast moves on.
Whoa...that is one hairy mufuggin beast.
The fact of the matter is that I have slipped into something. No, not anything lacy and silky, though SingleDad is going to be very disappointed I'm sure, especially after I (hopefully) get to see the pic of his elongated body part he promised in the last post I got around to slapping together.
I've tried writing. I have at least 20+ blogs started and not finished. I simply can't get my thoughts un-jumbled in a way that works for me. And although I would like to place all of the blame on my lack of Blogification on 'The Thing' and my Tonsillectomy the fact of the matter is that yes, Virgina, lately I have slipped into something dark.
Murky and bitter, like I used to like my coffee. And my women.
Shit. My how it do happen.
The thing is, it isn't just one thing that is vexing me of late. It is many things.
Isn't it always?
Sadly, I have also discovered that Mrs. Blogzilly is in the same state of mind, and that is not a good combination. When you have both parents sinking in quicksand, the other one isn't there on solid ground to help pull the other out.
Man...I SO wish I was more like Cat and let things just roll off me. In every way. But alas...who can be?
At first, when I sat down to write this blog, I was going to try something funky. I was going to write a list of the topics that were screwing with my head. Just the topics. It was called 'The Shit List'.
It was a kind of Free Associative Bullshit List Making (I just made that up...gonna take off like Facebook and make me a millionaire and solve ALL My problems!). I was not going to comment on the why, just the subjects. Maybe I would tackle talking about them, but only AFTER I finished my mufuggin Faith opus that I started before my surgery and get some Fruitless Pursuits posts and Mission iPossible posts in the pipe and finished...both of which I have fallen behind on because of the abyss I find myself lost in again.
But then some things made me change my mind.
First, I realized that a list like that was actually kind of pointless. Because when I started to write it I realized that whatever I wrote, at least most things, could ALSO be placed on a list of things that I am thankful for, something I had also thought about doing recently because I know that my good friend and partner-in-crime Heather says she wants to do that for her upcoming birthday and it is also something she does quite often on her blog Little Wonders.
So what does that mean?
It means that perception is everything, doesn't it? Attitude is everything. And somehow, someway...I have GOT to figure out a way to control and manipulate myself (hee hee...he said 'manipulate myself!) to manage my perceptions. Because this entire journey, and the ups and downs of it, is murdering me.
Elaine, who writes Our Sweet Sophie, one of the people I discovered very early on in all of this, wrote something a while back, something that has stuck with me for quite a while. I think about it almost every day, as I struggle to keep my head above water.
She wrote this about her daughter, Sophie, whose behavior problems have been pushing her to the brink.
'We are living our lives the best we can. She tries our patience to the fullest extent almost on a daily basis. She pushes me over the edge to where I say and do things that I regret so much that it hurts my soul. And at other times, she can make me so proud that I cry tears of pure joy.'
It is exactly, almost word for word, how I feel about my son Bennett. Maybe in regards to how I feel about my entire life.
So there you go.
There are a lot of good things in life to celebrate, a lot to be proud of. I know this to be an absolute Truth. But I can see that ever since Bennett had his evaluation, Jen and I, despite having experienced some highs (that I will talk about this week) are experiencing some of our worst lows in quite a while.
You do realize I can't stand this about myself right? It is hard when you deal with the ups and downs of what is, frankly, mental illness. And although it pains people who care about me to hear me say that out loud, I don't mind. It doesn't bother me to use that phrase.
So I have some depression, some anxiety, some other aspects of me that I have to 'manage' that make things harder for me living day to day than, say, John Q. Asshole? And those things, technically speaking, are classified as 'mental illness'.
There are a TON of people, and especially men, who are super embarrassed about stuff like that, thinking that somehow, some way, admissions of that kind of thing are signs of weakness. Or, God forbid, saying that you go to a Psychiatrist, which I do now and have off and on for years, because it will make you appear like you are as fruity as a nutcake and everybody will think you are crazy with a capital 'K'!
I believe the opposite. I believe it takes a great deal of strength to talk about those things. I think it takes courage to admit those things. I have a lot more respect for a man who is prepared to talk about the fact that he cried or he experienced this or that emotion or dealt with this or that problem than I ever do a man whose only expressions of emotion come when HE does or when his favorite wide receiver crosses the goal line.
To me? That is just not the way to show the world that you are made of quality ingredients.
FYI...I spent a good portion of last evening and half of this morning sobbing. And I mean the kind that makes your face swell and your head hurt. Nyah, nyah, nyah...
So that's where I am right now. Yeah...the over-enlarged holes left behind from the humungous tonsils are still healing, VERY slowly and yeah, times are REALLY hard right now in Casa de Lilly. REALLY.
But I need to get back to Blogging, somehow, because as several friends have pointed out, when I do NOT do it, my brain junk backs up, and since my Ulnar Neuropathy is something that prevents me from using my heavy bag (or even picking up a glass of water sometimes) to unleash some of my stress, I need an outlet.
And this be it.