Tuesday, December 13, 2011


Sometime in the Fall, I can't remember how or when, I started to feel like a big steaming pile of...yeah, do I need to say it?

And ever since, this blog has suffered...oh my has it suffered. It has limped along, getting weaker by the day, losing followers, losing readership. Every so often I give it an in injection of...something, but it is like being a bad partner in a relationship.

I'm never giving it enough. And I know it.

Here's the real rub.

Thing's haven't been totally horrible. I mean, the same crap exists now that has existed for awhile, the same junk that has been mind-trippin' me for months. But things, from a day-to-day kind of perspective, didn't suddenly take a nose dive or anything. At least...I didn't think they did.

So why did I plug myself back into my X-Box like I did back when things really were VERY bad? Is it as simple as just being addicted? Or is the answer more complicated?

Dunno. It is usually the latter. Why does it always have to be the latter, huh?

Damn latters.

Some have argued, and by some I mean some friends of mine, the very few I have left, that I actually DO have a lot on my plate that is troubling me, that things are still kind of bad I'm just not seeing things as badly on a conscious level, but my SUB-conscious mind is, and so my retreat to fictitious worlds like Pandora or Gotham City or other such digital domains makes perfect sense.

But that kind of retreat can become so destructive for me, and can be such a powerful pull, like drugs or booze for some people, especially when I make a decision, conscious or otherwise, to face the obstacles in those places with much more regularity and voracity than I do those in my regular, everyday, real life.

So I made a DIFFERENT kind of decision late last week that I needed to do something a little...drastic.

Yesterday morning, I gave The Twins (my two X-Box controllers) to my wife for safekeeping and had her take them to work. For one week, they will be out of my hands. For one week, I am unplugging myself from The Matrix and eating that shitty white paste and wearing ripped up sweaters instead of wearing black latex and sunglasses and doing bad-ass karate and jujitsu moves on Agent Smith.

But it has to be this way.

Because as attractive as The Matrix is, it is still and always will be...The Matrix.

My future still waits for me, no matter how often I choose to avoid it. And holy crap do I choose to avoid it often. But it is fear, kids, plain and simple. You have this mountain of SHIT standing in front of you, and it keeps getting bigger not smaller, and your first instinct is not to start tearing into it.

Check that...MY first instinct isn't to start tearing into it.

There are some Men whose first instinct would be to do just that.

Those Men are far, far greater than I. Or at least, they are not as damaged. Those are Men who are leaders, pioneers, entrepreneurs. Those are Men I deeply admire and respect. Men like Bill, or Steve, or Paul, or Jay, or Chris, or Mark, or Richard, or Mike, or many others that I just can't name because I'm not allowed or the list would just go on forever.

Those Men? Those Men are just not me.

I say this not to self-deprecate. Please do not misunderstand. I am not saying I am not a 'good' this or 'good' that. I have my value. I recognize that I have certain strengths and that I have accomplished quite a lot of things, blah, blah, blah...what I am saying is that I recognize one of my greatest weaknesses is my lack of focus and my tendency to put things off or Matrixize my mind when faced with too many things.

Inherently, I am not lazy, and that's the Truth. Ask anybody who has ever seen me working 16 hour days. If I am passionate about something, I work my ass off. I'm dedicated, I am a workaholic, and I do have some other unique and interesting characteristics.

But for some reason that baffles me, and maybe this is something I have always been, maybe it is something that is new, I get locked up by stuff. I get bogged down. And I have to 'work through it'. To some people, getting through obstacles, or around them, or through them, it comes naturally. For me? My personality type is more calculative and much more time-consuming.

I resist, and always have, falling back to the ADD diagnosis, which I have and take medication for. I don't know why but I hate using it as a crutch despite its realness.

Maybe it is the same reason I resist falling back on the stuff that went on when I was a kid that may or may not have resulted in PTSD, or even blaming anything that is going on with Bennett, or ANYTHING like that...I just get a bit weird about that kind of thing.

I want to believe that I have the ability to have control, even though I can't seem to maintain it.

It may not be he Truth, but I want to believe it.

Of course, with that comes the disappointment if and when I meet any kind of lack of success, because in the end you don't have anyone to blame BUT yourself. But for some reason, I prefer that over trying to shift the blame to a diagnosis. Call me crazy (it's OK, I probably am) but there is a certain logic for me here.

But all ramblings aside, trying to unplug from the un-reality of The Matrix and stop logging so much X-Box time was something I had to do.

Day One, yesterday, was wild. I actually spent a lot of time with Carter in the evening. More than I have in a while. And it was nice. I sat with him and his Mom while Carter worked on some 1st Grade homework and was blown away by the stuff he was doing.

I mean, it was simple stuff I get that, but I'd had my head up my butt for the entire Fall I didn't know he could do all that he was doing! I was blown away. Told him so. And what was coolest of all was that he was blown away that I was up there taking an interest.

Good call to put on the raggedy sweater and eat the white pasty gruel?

Yeah...I think so. Should be a fantastically pleasant week.



  1. Wow I gotta say I think that was a good call as well. Used to get way to wrapped up myself in games long long (long) ago. Hope your week is totally awesome!


  2. I'm just glad you're back. It's not the same out here without Blogzilly's regular voice -- no matter what form it takes.

  3. We have our weaknesses. You look to other people you admire but they lack something that you have, that's why they are "successful". When you look you see the cracks, others are oblivious. When you are able to attach meaning to those details they can also pull you in; staying balanced is obviously hard. But don't be hard on yourself. As a matter of fact don't think too much.

  4. The emotions and heaviness of it all are cyclical for me. I'll get really comfy in my okayness feeling like maybe just maybe it does get easier. Only to have something or maybe nothing trigger a cycle of sadness. Maybe I've been escaping in books? Jonathan has been worried at the number of library runs I've been making in the past few months?


    I know I've been quieter lately. Life has been sucking me dry. But I care about you. I pray over you. And I'm here for you...k?



  5. I applaud you commitment and self control in this matter. It's tough.

  6. Kevin
    Thanks. I had to. It was getting (back) out of control. I get like that sometimes. And it will happen again I'm sure. Well, it beats drugs I guess. :P

    One of the nicest things anyone has said to me in many a moon, worn by a shell or otherwise. Thanks.

    I think I will always be destined to both think too much and be too hard on myself. It is, probably, my nature and one that I won't escape from, though I will struggle to for the rest of my life. But thanks for the encouragement.

    Can't tell you how happy it makes me to hear something like that, and especially from you of all people. I needed to know that things were OK between us, though I am very disheartened to know that you are so sucked dry by Life. That is never a good thing. I had hoped that maybe you were on an upswing from where you were when you wrote around Thanksgiving time. I hope things can maybe get a wee bit upward for Christmas? Maybe? Fingers crossed?

    Thanks. People who say 'Oh it's just a GAME.' don't understand the pull of accessing a reality that is different from the reality you live with every day. Thank God we don't have things like Holodecks or a real Matrix-style technology at our disposal as human beings. This world would go to Hell in a handbasket and fast with people escaping from their everyday lives into fantasy worlds.

    Life was SO much easier when all I had to deal with was Pong. Pong sucked. :)

  7. You know, I love and need the ego boost you give me...but my friend, it's not me. I have a relationship with Jesus Christ who said bluntly to all of us manly men, "I am the vine and you are the branches. Apart from me, you can do NOTHING." I just toss my crap to Him and trust that it's in better hands.

    Ummm... you .. gave.. up .. your controllers.... dude, that's like me giving up my box wine. I ain't ready for that yet.

    Carter and Bennett are so fortunate to have a father like you. Shut up, I'm an expert there.


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