Tuesday, January 3, 2012
This Is Damn Peculiar
OK, so I spent the last 24 hours or so beating myself to a pulp over yelling at my disabled son and causing him to cry. What's the big deal? I'll tell you.
As I explained earlier, he doesn't really cry all that much, never has. It takes an extreme amount of anything to get any kind of tears out of the boy, and even then it is nothing overly dramatic.
He came home from school today in a good mood, and everything went as expected. When Crystal, the Home Health Aide, had to take him out of my office away from my fan (he got in there because Carter had left the gate to the upstairs open), you are not going to believe what happened as she carried Bennett down the stairs.
He had the exact same type of crying outburst that he had yesterday, and I spent the next ten minutes getting tears and snot on both shoulders of my shirt, just like yesterday. The only difference was, that today, unlike yesterday, I was not crying too.
I was perplexed, puzzled and confused.
What in the world is happening to Bennett?
Now, instead of me being nominated for Lousiest Father of the Year for 2012, there is a riddle wrapped in an enigma stuffed inside a burrito (I'm hungry it is way past dinnertime), a new wrinkle in the life of Casa de Lilly. And we are going to have to figure out exactly what is going on. We'll have to, unfortunately, now study every aspect of Bennett's emotions, for days, and try to gather data on him to discover what might be going on.
Perhaps yesterday I didn't yell as loudly as I thought I did. I may have judged myself a little too harshly too quickly (imagine THAT!?!?). But the downside of that is that it means that this is Bennett-centric, and I'd rather it not be.
Could this be related to his Risperidone not really working anymore as his weight/height is increasing? Could it be his personality changing as his development changes? Could it be changes within his already complex and difficult to understand brain, 2/5th of which isn't there? Could it be diet? Environment? Richard Nixon? Martian invaders?
I hate this mufuggin' guessing game.
Why couldn't it have just been me being a shitty Dad?