Tuesday, March 20, 2012

I've Got My Very Own Jedi Master

And you are all going to be incredibly jealous. Guaranteed.

Some time ago, I started to receive some messages from an 'anonymous' Internet entity who uses the e-mail name Helpin Hand and the e-mail address timetostopbeingaloser@yahoo.com. Here at the house Jen and I simply refer to this entity as HEHA for short (pronounced 'Hee-Haw').

Of course, I don't get the top of the line Jedi Master. I get the economy model. The 'Loser Edition'. Sniff. So I refer to the the entity as Episode 1 Yoda because it is so much cuter.

But that takes so damn long to SAY that it is easier to use HEHA. At least in conversation.

Now Episode I Yoda is an interesting entity. I use 'entity' or 'it' because I choose, at present, not to tell you the gender of this individual. But it decided to start messaging me regarding my career, to give me some helpful tips about my choices in life, and then moved on to include some tidbits about raising my kids, and these nuggets have now become so good that I can't keep them to myself any longer.

You know me...I HAVE to share.

Some of the earlier ones were pretty basic and uninspired. Just links to job listings. In fact, they were so under-whelming my Postini program assumed that they were spam. They wound up in my junk folders. Stuff like:

FROM: Helpin Hand [timetostopbeingaloser@yahoo.com]
TO: klilly@creatusmaximus.com
SUBJECT: Its' time.

Hello Ken
I have read your blog and enjoy it. But I think you need to get a job. Here's an ad I think you should look into.

Or others like this one:

FROM: Helpin Hand [timetostopbeingaloser@yahoo.com]
TO: klilly@creatusmaximus.com
SUBJECT: Another great local opportunity.

Dear Ken,
Happy Monday! Start the week off right by trying to secure a job. Here's one I think you should consider...

Yawn. I mean, did Episode I Yoda actually think I would click on strange links in an e-mail? I keep tellin' you...my Momma din't raise no dummy! Well, she might have, but I still ain't clicking on any strange links in e-mails. And besides, I had been getting so much spam to my Creatus Maximus account, I had already moved to a new host server and wasn't paying much attention to Creatus Maximus anymore. These were amongst the hundreds of other pieces of junk that were accumulating in my Postini program.

It was only later, when HEHA had stepped up the game, and I was clearing out the Postini folder and I noticed a large grouping of messages, that I even realized that I had acquired my own Jedi. Because some of the messages went beyond just links to job postings.

Some of the messages contained Wisdom.

They contained Truth.

They contained...well, just see for yourself. Get your notepads ready.

For example, this early one, in response to my blog about my shortcomings about taking Bennett out in public, or taking the family out in general.

FROM: Helpin Hand [timetostopbeingaloser@yahoo.com]
TO: klilly@creatusmaximus.com
SUBJECT: Sunday outing for the family

Dear Ken,
It's time to take your boys for an outing.
Go to a McDonald's. No, it's not the healthiest, but your boys will love it, and if Bennett is disruptive...you're at McDonalds.

I mean...you can't BUY advice like that. Well, you can, but it usually costs around $150.00 an hour. Am I right?

Or this one...

FROM: Helpin Hand [timetostopbeingaloser@yahoo.com]
TO: klilly@creatusmaximus.com
SUBJECT: Fear. Of work.

Dear Ken,
It is my firm believe that there is honor in all work.
Well, almost all work.
There is certainly honor in earning an honest living to support your wife and children.
So, if you're having a hard time landing the type of job you want - it's time to start looking at jobs you don't want.
Millions of men do it every day - suck it up and go to a job they don't like because they have to support their families.
You, too, can do this, Ken.

Awww....back to the job stuff? You were on a roll, Episode I Yoda! Oh wait, wait...here it comes. Because after a whole slew of job postings, the messages then change in tone and move entirely away from that. Something must have happened in Episode I Yoda's life I guess. Maybe some sex for the first time or something. The focus shifts all the way over to just messages about me and my life with no helpful links to job postings.

Which is OK actually, since I am not actively looking for one. I'll explain that in detail in another post at some point. I've been meaning to go over my career and what is happening with it, what I do for work and $ and such right now (I do manage to earn a very good income), what is going on in relation to my new role in Bennett's therapy, his transportation needs and Jen's recent job change, etc., but I will get to that in my own good time.

But as for the messages from HEHA, they start getting much deeper, more thoughtful. More introspective.

FROM: Helpin Hand [timetostopbeingaloser@yahoo.com]
TO: klilly@creatusmaximus.com
SUBJECT: honestly

Ken, I want to get real with you. The rumor in the special needs blogosphere is that you made up a story about going to the hospital because you are embarrassed about how behind you have gotten on both the Mission:iPossible blog and the Blogzilly blog. People are wondering if you are trying to buy time because things are falling apart. I am concerned you are losing credibility.

Not to mention more contradictory...

FROM: Helpin Hand [timetostopbeingaloser@yahoo.com]
TO: klilly@creatusmaximus.com
SUBJECT: What will your boys say about you?

You talk about the poor father figures you had, and how that affected you.
Do you want your boys to say,"Daddy was an unemployed blogger?"
"Daddy was obsessed with video games?"
"It was always one excuse after another with Dad?"
Or do you want them to say,"Dad always put us and Mom first?"

Now wait a second, Episode I Yoda. You just said that I was making excuses for NOT blogging enough, and that was why I lied about calling 9-1-1 about the chest pains, but now I need to give up blogging AND the charity?

But then you have to go ahead and confuse me even MORE with last night's message.

FROM: Helpin Hand [timetostopbeingaloser@yahoo.com]
TO: klilly@creatusmaximus.com
SUBJECT: Mission: iEmployable?

Dear Ken,
Do you ever just get embarrassed that you're you? Look at yourself. Really. Do you think that taking other people's money and buying a $400 piece of electronics really makes you a life changer? A person of great power in the world? It's a nice gift, but that is all it is. It isn't a liver, or a house, or a car. It's pretty ingenious how you've tricked people into giving you their money so that you can give it away and get credit for it. It's interesting to read the thank you notes that you have posted and see that people thank "Ken" so often (not your project, but you individually). You have designed it that way. And all that crap about how you have to be responsible with "all of your power"? You sound like such a pompous ass. And, all the while, you won't even get a job and support your wife and children.

Wait a second. Does this mean I am supposed to NOT continue with the charity efforts, or keep going, or what? Or is it just something that is OK as long as I have a job that is pre-approved by the Jedi Council? Episode I Yoda...you are SO KOOKY!!! You really need to lay off that ganja, mon!

Or perhaps it is medicinal...one can never be certain in today's society. If so, you are one LUCKY Jedi, let me tell you. And if that is the case and you really want to be helpful, send me some of that stash! This leg and back pain is a real bitch!

In answer to your question...nah, I'm not really all that embarrassed by being me. I mean...sometimes, a little. I have been a little gassy lately since I started an all plant-based diet, and when they sneak out, yeah...I get a teeny red-faced. But overall? Nope, I can't say that I am all that embarrassed by much in life.

You are wrong about one thing though...I don't go out of my way to draw a ton of attention to the MiP stuff, even though I actually SHOULD be doing more to get more eyes focused on it, but that's all about marketing, not really about tooting my own horn.

I'm not sure how many times I would need to specify that it is not about me over there, though, without writing it over and over like Nicholson in The Shining to get someone in your, um, unique position to really have that sink in, you know? You remember that saying about a one-track mind, yeah? It's possible you may have a bit of an obsession going on, right? When you are sending a guy messages all the time, it's a bit telling as to who is focusing in on who. Ask a shrink about what I am getting at, they can explain it much better than me. I'm betting you have some fairly easy access to one.

But you are entitled to draw any conclusions, you wouldn't be the first, probably won't be the last. Truthfully, it doesn't matter to me either way what you do going forward. Whether you continue sending messages or you don't. I can block the address, though I probably won't because I find your insight too entertaining. And the fact is that you haven't broken any laws with what you are doing.

In fact, this whole situation has inspired me to take it a step further.

Since I had been looking for a good way to segue into trying to do some regular 'features' on the blog, this is as good as place as any to start one such item. Which is why I am going to officially start with a new one as of right now. I guess I'll call it 'The Helpin' Hand'.

I've got tons of questions, problems to solve, you might say, and people always say I should ask some more members of the community and try to reach out for help. And so I shall. If Episode I Yoda wants to answer they certainly can, but I am actually hoping that someone with some advice that will be a little more useful might weigh in on some of the questions I have.

Today's question in 'Ask Helpin Hand' is pretty topical, for my current medical situation. Does anyone have any advice or suggestions as far as what are the best places to get great info on the best posture and or the best set-ups for computer work stations? Particularly how do you figure out what type of chair might be the best to sit in, and stuff like that?

Any Helpin' Hands, or thoughts, would be very much appreciated! :)

And feel free to chime in, Episode I Yoda. You can send as many messages as you like. The more the merrier! But here's the thing, though, and I gotta level with ya...I know your name, your address, your telephone number. I know your IP address. I know a lot of other personal information about you, too. I've done my homework.

It helped out a ton, during the past year, to have two things occur in my life. It helped to have been involved in a previous situation where I had to understand a lot of things about false identities on the Internet and have a front seat to witnessing and understanding the shady and fucked up things people do.

And the second thing? Well, let's just say that it is very helpful to have a new friend in one of our illustrious armed services who has a friend in one of those super cool alphabet agencies (like the one Jack Bauer kicked ass for) who have no problems at all tracing e-mails, once they have enough of them, even those routed through Yahoo, all the way back to any origin point. I'd tell you who those folks actually are, but I am afraid by even writing this part I am taking a chance. Maybe it was the creepy way I kept being referred to as 'Mr. Lilly'. I guess I just watched one too many episodes of The X-Files.

But God Bless our United States of America and the men and women who serve this great country. Halle-FUCKIN-lujah.

Now...I am not going to use this information for anything other than my own peace of mind, Episode I Yoda, and that is the only reason I even bothered to seek it out. I just don't want you to forget a very important rule about life itself.

Some secrets are weakness. Others are power.You have to know which ones to have, and which ones not to.

Because if you have the wrong ones, they can be exposed and exploited by anyone who discovers them. It is why I don't really like to have those kind. It is why I decided, a long time ago, NOT to have an anonymous blog, why I decided to live my life with an open book policy.

That way if anyone ever says 'Yeah buddy, but you did this or you said that!' I can just look up and say 'Yeah I did, so what?' and that's the end of it. I don't have to look for a way out. I don't have to do damage control

With very few exceptions, this is how I have lived my life for a long time.

And it is why I am choosing to handle this particular situation here, now, in this way, in a totally open forum. It isn't how everybody might do it. But it is how I am doing it.



  1. Helpin' Hand needs to go fuck him/herself. As open and honest as you are here, they do not have all of the information to be making accusatory statements simply because you are not responding to them. The "helpful" emails get increasingly more aggressive in tone.

    Kinda want to smash their face in.

  2. BTW, Ken..let me know if they're in my area.

  3. LOL, thanks Steve. I'd be afraid of you. Hey I watched it. I'm at the home number for a bit. When you take a break gimme a shout, we can discuss this and the finale.

  4. Bizarre. Really just a strange thing to do - set up the anonymous email with the "helping back hand". How ironic you are accused looking like a pompous ass by a pomp .... oh you get it.

    The briefest encounter, smallest of favors, or even an object that is inexpensive to some but unattainable for others can be life changing. Shame on HEHA for being so small minded as to not understand that.

    Next time you make up a medical story make it more like a Dr. House episode with a really obscure disease! ;-)

  5. Although the McDonalds advice isn't too far off the mark! When my wife needs a break from our herd, I take them to a couple places - a cool pet store that curiously is also a fountain store - so lots of fun things to look at. Then we go to McD's for a special "dad only" treat - I buy several jumbo fries and ice cream cones for everyone. Then we dip the fries in the ice cream and enjoy. Meanwhile, Jill gets two hours kid free. :)

  6. A guy or girl named "Dave" and another one with just initials used to email me some outrageous notes and leave nasty comments on my blog. I traced them to somewhere in McLean, VA, and was subsequently creeped out because most of the posts that they commented on were my more controversial ones (politics, etc.) and I thought there was some freak at the CIA who was stalking if not me, then my blog.

    What can you do? I'm always amazed at the energy people expend on such bizarre things. The freak who's stalking you and giving advice sounds pathetic.

  7. Wow that is kind of creepy. You seem to have picked up a stalker. Glad you were able to get their info as that truly does provide some peace of mind. I agree with shoveke that the emails seems to be going from friendly to more aggressive.

    I can also vouch for the McDonald's outings. Just met the wife and kids there for lunch yesterday. Crawled through all the tunnels 3 times with Zac so he could go down the slide :)

  8. Way to go Ken! Maybe now he ha will leave you alone! The way you just stuck it to this person put a huge smile on my face. I too am glad that you have this person's contact info, just incase. I'm not too sure though that I would put he ha as Yoda. This person seems to like the dark side too much.

  9. As a fellow someone, who's life is out there in internet land, will all the truths right down to the pimples on my ass, it is really unnerving to to hounded/stalked by people.

    Hope I don't come across that way as a new follower of your life. (its more exciting than mine and I love the way you write about it.)

    If I ever go Jar-Jar on you you will tell me right? Some code thing like, "hey Paja you're going to be cut out of the special edition blue ray in 3-D."

    In the mean time I would spray for trolls and flush vigorously till all the rings of HEHA go down the drain.

    Peace be the journey


  10. You've got to be kidding! Wow...that's just...wow. Have you talked to the uber geek about this "person" (and I use that term loosely)? How to block it, I mean, him? Anyway...never you mind. Crazy folks are coming out of the woodwork this year of 2012 it seems.

  11. Hopefully, IT will realize that "timetostopbeingaloser" is actually a projection.

  12. Some people have too much free time on their hands. Keep on doing what you're doing.

  13. Dear Helping Hands,
    Get a life of your own. You are not as clever as you think you are. Walk a foot in my friend's shoes and then make your comments. You are either "just a punk kid" (Good Will Hunting) or a pathetic adult. My email is arichardiii@yahoo.com. I live in Texas...we carry. Come on down.

    (Ok...so I had a bad day.)

  14. What a douchebag. Keep rocking, Ken!


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