Thursday, April 19, 2012


As I was driving Bennett to school this morning, I started to turn the Lillymobile off of Interstate 71 to take 270 toward my Psychiatrist's office. He's a great doc, as I have mentioned before, and he stacks my appointment with Bennett's now, so I told Bennett we were going to see Daddy’s Doctor because he seemed nervous.

Told him not to worry, we went there before, it was OK then, remember, and all that. It was for Daddy, not Bennett. Last time I did that it calmed him down a lot.

Not this time.

He freaked. He early choked himself on the seatbelt trying to get out of the carseat. I was petrified he might actually try to get out of the car itself. Now I have to start trying to figure out how to have him more forcefully restrained in the car AND have the doors more secured from the inside. I don't know how at this point, but at least for today, for the ride how tonight, I will have to rig something until I can find something that is 'official'.

I don't know what I would have done had he actually opened the door while the car was moving. He'd never acted this way before in his carseat, but then again, predicting his behavior of late has been impossible.

The entire way to the doctor's office from that point on he was crying and whimpering. When we got there he would not allow me to get him out of the car. When I tried to pick him up he screamed like I was killing him, squirmed and wriggled and ripped the hell out of a back and torso that is already in agonizing pain and then as icing on the cake he headbutted me and gave me a nice nosebleed.

I was so afraid I might drop him, and knew that I could never hold on to him by the hand without him pulling away and possibly running out in front of a moving car in the parking garage that I had no choice but to place him back in the car.

He wouldn’t let me near him after that. When I approached he would scurry to the floor or try to scramble over to the front seats. Plus he would also try to eat stuff off the floor that I have been meaning to vacuum up, stuff that he has been dropping over the past SEVERAL WEEKS.


Called the Doc’s office and told them I was outside and that I doubted I was going to be able to get him into the building. But like I said, my Doctor is like, Doctor Who, he's THAT cool, and he just said wait there and he came out to the car eventually for a quick consult. He is going to investigate a couple of medications for Bennett and get back to me.

I'm skeptical, but then again I am always skeptical. About everything. But especially when it comes to these fucking disabilities and our inability to navigate their intricacies. Maybe I just don't have as much hope as I had even a few weeks ago. It ebbs and it flows. And right now it ain't flowing.

I'm very tired.

Took a while for Bennett to allow me to get him back IN the carseat, and he cried the whole way to school, even when I tried to assure him we were going to school. Maybe he didn't believe me, I don't know. I didn't lie to him before. Have no idea why he is upset about going places. He didn't use to be.

He has an appointment tomorrow with his pediatrician. I doubt I will be able to get Bennett into her office alone. And even WITH help? It's going to be a nightmare.

This is not an isolated incident either. Been happening more and more. When Jen took him into Carter's Day Care a while back, just to pick Carter up, Bennett went ballistic as well, scratching up her arms, biting himself, going wildly out of control. It was unreal.

There is very little chance of us attempting any 'familial style outings' any time soon I reckon.

Now I suppose I should count my blessings. At least Bennett understood me, when I said we were going to see Daddy's doctor, as we turned off of the road where we would normally be going to his school. This should make me happy, right? I should be grateful for this, yeah? Because, after all, it could be so much worse, yeah?

I'm overjoyed.



  1. Oh, Ken. I'm sorry. This sounds impossible. But it's not. And to hell with "it could be worse." It could be a whole lot f'ing better, too.

    Sending love and continued strength and courage with some hope added in that you will all get a break.

  2. You want to know what the worst part was, truthfully? Having to stop him from eating the pieces of food off the floor of the car. Despite any gains he may have made, or any progress, for him not to recognize just how 'off' that is just breaks my spirit.

    It is something that a kid who is over 4 years of age just wouldn't do. And before anybody who has a typical kid tries to be sweet and supportive and chimes in with a 'Hey my kid would do that!'...I appreciate it but I'm telling you right now you weren't there and you didn't see it...not THIS food.

  3. What Elizabeth said my friend.

    See we Californian's aren't all that bad, uh?

  4. This is so rough. I don't even have anything encouraging to say. I remember a while back that you were concerned that something was "off" with Bennett...head swelling and such. Is there a chance this is medical? That is definitely not an encouraging thought, of course. I so wish for something to go right in your life.

    And I will say that while my typical kids wouldn't eat that food, Tim certainly would and I would yell "don't eat that" and he would just pop it in his mouth.

    Hoping for better for you, and soon.

  5. I wish I too had some tidbit of something to share with you that was encouraging. Keeping you all in my thoughts and praying that it does get better.

  6. As you each struggle for something to say know this. It is the STRUGGLE itself that has the meaning, and if you don't know that already, then let me make sure that I state that here, and I certainly appreciate it. As always.

    That's my long-winded re-stating of the way over-simplified 'It's the thought that counts', which I think is horse-shit BTW, because it is NOT the thought that counts.

    If you have a thought but do not at least attempt to express it, despite the fact that it is a struggle to do so, does it really count for anything? No.

    My head is a fuggin' mess today, so I am not being very focused with my BS. Sorry! :)

    The ride home was fine, for everything but my arms and legs. But Bennett was perfectly cool. I got a seat in the car that was more restraining, even though it wasn't needed, and an old high school friend on Facebook told me about child safety mechanisms on back doors that you can set so the doors can't open from the inside which I should have known about 8 years ago.

    So, all in all, learned some things today, so it wasn't a complete loss I suppose.

  7. I can't even imagine the thoughts going through your mind when the headbut came along. The fact that Bennett even got a chance to ride home gives testimony to what you are made of Ken. So glad you have a doc willing to make parking lot visits. Can Sarah and I come down on Sunday and detail your car for you?

  8. So sorry. I could feel my own anxiety rising just reading this.

  9. I really do know what you mean about the food. My son is seven and he eats whatever he finds. He ate a tator tot out of the garbage. He has no clue.

    Thankfully we have child safety locks on our car so he can't open it while it's moving, or he would. Just for fun.

    We found a carseat that accommodated larger children at Toys R Us. It still had a five point restraint.

  10. Oops. Should have read all the comments first... You figured both of those things out already.

  11. As I read that I realized what an incredibly strong man you are. The whole package that makes up you.

    You handled that so well. I hope you take a moment to give yourself credit.

    I've been in lesser situations and ended up bawling on the ground unable to go on.

    Makes me think of that person harassing you to get a job and support your family. Makes me even madder. You do an incredible job of taking care of your family.

    That had to have felt like being repeatedly stabbed in the heart with an ice pick.

    I hope you take a moment to help yourself with as much compassion and love as you do your son.

    Peace be the journey

  12. Really sorry that happened Ken. I would say you handled it pretty well all things considered, and yes your psychiatrist is awesome. I really don't know what I would have done. Hope your pediatric appointment today went better.

  13. Oh my Gosh Mr Bennett! Its so hard when our kiddos cant tell us what the heck is wrong! You asked me if I take anything for spring allergies..well I hate medicines..I get SO dehydrated on them and medicine heady...I suck it wad of tissues and more tissues..breath right strips... saline in cans sprayed up my nose with the force of a fire hose! Air Conditioning and lots of washing my face and hair... I have not taken allergy meds by prescription in years...should after this whacky winter...

  14. Car Calls are almost as rare as House Calls! If someone doesn't help you all come up with a consistent behavior plan, I'm going to have to try pro-bono. I know, it wouldn't have helped in that moment...but I know that it will eventually help shape his behavior.
    Summer is almost here so I will have some extra time on my hands.
    Sorry you both went through that.

  15. Regarding “the worst part was … eating the pieces of food off the floor of the car … not to recognize just how 'off' that is just breaks my spirit”, EM used to do the same thing.

    For EM, it had nothing to do with intelligence or ability- it was an oral-sensory issue.

    It may very well be the same issue for Bennett, considering the extreme duress he was under at that moment.

    [A medical student with a serious heroin addiction would 'cook' his heroin in a dirty, germ-laden utensil under duress, even though he's fully aware that it's unhealthy and dangerous.]

    If it is an oral-sensory issue, it's treatable with speech and OT, and the behavior can be reduced/eliminated with ABA.

  16. Wow. I'm sorry. I have so been there. We are going through real problems right now with Jake also. My hubby and I have both been bloodied up. It's also so scary that they will do serious damage to their own bodies. How great is your Doctor?! I love that he came to your car. One good moment. The rest of your ordeal really sucked though. Hope things are going better.


You Are a Beautiful Blank Page...Do You Have a Great Pencil?

Christmas is over. That sound you hear is my sigh of relief. The tree is not actually down, as the opening image suggests. That was a t...