Friday, April 13, 2012
OK, so the scoping of my throat got pushed to April 18th because of a surgery that my ENT had that conflicted with my April 2nd date. BUT, the good news is that I have had a man with his hands on my butt for the past couple of weeks. My back too.
The Physical Therapist has a soft, yet firm touch, so we've decided to start seeing each other regularly. At least for therapy.
Well, it started out that way.
But as you would expect, like many of my relationships he has quickly sent me away. In the middle of Session #3, with his hands on my right butt-cheek as he was working my spasming ass muscles, he basically said 'Well, since there hasn't been any improvement in flexibility or pain level since we started this I think you need to go back to your doctor and think about getting some kind of scan done.'
I think I should have been set up for that from the get-go, but like I said before, I am no Dr. House.
My PT did his evaluation and determined my spine had some Scoliosis (a fancy way of saying that my spine is bent) and my pelvis is being pulled out of whack, particularly by my right butt-muscles, which seem to be in a constant state of contraction. Though as of this writing, Friday, my left ass-muscles have joined the party.
Weird huh? So as they contract, the pelvic bones themselves are cocked outwards and everything is getting thrown off kilter. That MIGHT also explain why every so often The Twins retreat up into my abdomen for a while and aren't heard from. Dunno.
I did call my regular Doctor, and I have an MRI scheduled for tomorrow. In the meantime, Mr. I Want Off Of All My Medications Because I Am Now Living A Healthier Lifestyle (that's me, BTW) was finally insistent on getting some pain medication. I just can't fucking take it anymore. So I asked and it was granted. Thank Christ. Or Dr. Phil...my Doc, not the fat asshat on TV who writes weight-loss books.
The meds have provided some, SOME, relief. But I can't take it all the time, like right now. I have to wait until after I take care of things like driving to certain things, shit like that. I don't want to risk it. And I can't stop doing all the things that I need to do, like driving the kid, and (crap) I GOTTA hit the lawn and soon. Can't put it off any longer. So I use it sparingly and the work I have to do often is counter-productive to its medicinal powers.
Still a waiting game for a while with this. No answer as to why the abdomen hurts a lot, or as to why the throat is also involved. Why there is some kind of 'build up of material' in my throat, according to the ENT. The thing is, I don't know if the MRI is gonna tell me a lot, but I hope so. But I have had back pain before. This is...different.
It was suggested to me, a couple of weeks ago, that this might be a Psychosomatic reaction. That my brain could be doing the ultimate Jedi Mind Trick on me.
At first, I was very taken aback by the suggestion. Hurt. Angry.. But then I gave it some very serious thought. I have to recognize that I am, by definition, mentally ill.
I control that illness through years of working on myself, going to a Psychiatrist, and taking medication, but let's face facts, I have at least three diagnosed conditions that you would have to classify in the category of 'mental illness'. And of this I bear no shame WHATSOEVER. Just as I bear no shame that I have a diagnosed degenerative disc condition or hypothyroidism.
These things happen. Why should I be embarrassed? I know many people are, and that is a tragedy on an epic scale. Especially when it prevents them from getting real help.
And yet, there is stigma. Case in point. When discussing this with my Mom, I mentioned that very thing, and she said 'I don't really like thinking of you as mentally ill.' To which I had to reply 'Well, Mom, of course you don't...and you wouldn't, you're my Mom, and you should be biased.' I know I would be. I don't LIKE to think of Bennett as being severely disabled. But he is.
Frankly, I don't like thinking of Scarlett Johansson without clothing on either...but I digress.
The fact of the matter is that I decided at some point that I was going to take a new, radical step into a direction of a major change of Health, and it is possible...UNLIKELY, but possible, that my subconscious mind is saying 'Nope...no you don't...you have GOT to stay miserable.' Like I said, it is not a likely scenario, but I would be remiss, totally, if I didn't at least investigate the possibility. So I will, though not at the expense of continuing to investigate the medical side of things.
Anyway, that's the latest poop on my 'medical status'...provided as an update via request from an old friend.
Weird thing, the human brain though, ain't it? Complex as shit. And a tricky sumbitch. It can be your greatest ally when things are at their bleakest, and yet it can also be the thing that continues to let you down when you need it the most.
I suppose I should be thankful that mine is still functioning relatively well after all these years, and all these 'diagnoses', and that I have come as far as I have. I've seen far too many instances of folks who've suffered less damage than I have doing just awful, unforgivable things. But somehow I was spared this fate. Always makes you wonder. What makes one man a monster and another walk a different road?
Food for thought, that's for sure.