Monday, May 21, 2012

Needles


Bad weekends? I've had a few.

Were I to rank this past weekend, while it would not take the top slot, I'm fairly sure it would break into the top 5. As I sit here, contemplating the events in the quiet aftermath of it all, attempting to maintain a perspective on Life and Everything That Comes Along With It, there are parts of me that wonder what I will be like in 5 years. In 10. In 15.

If my mood and my being is so tightly bound to Bennett, how bitter and angry will I be by that time? How resentful?

If things do not change, I think I will not recognize the person sitting in this chair, writing these words. There are times today that I look at the guy from three years ago who started this thing and I don't know who that person is either.

Jen and I decided not to give Bennett any more Strattera today. According to the label, the website and any other 'official' info, it takes 4-6 weeks to have any effect. Well, not according to message boards, forums and blogs. And you and I both know, that is where The Truth exists in our world. Not anywhere else. Well, except when it involves rabbits. But hey, there are exceptions to every rule. Waddya gonna do?

You can add this blog to anecdotal evidence to the contrary to the official statement of how long it takes for Strattera to have any effect on the Human Body.


If this drug takes 4-6 weeks to take effect, how do you explain that within 2-3 hours of Bennett taking it he was walking around in a near Zombie-state? And, how do you explain his laying himself down on the floor Saturday afternoon for a nap, something he has not done in months? And not LATE afternoon, we are talking around 1-2, when he is usually asking over and over about wanting to go outside.

If this drug takes 4-6 weeks to take effect, how do you explain that Saturday evening and nearly all day Sunday he was more Self-Abusive and aggressive than I have seen him in his entire short life? His arms were so bitten and chewed on, and must have hurt him so much that even he would show them to me as if he wanted me to fix them somehow, or as if he was pleading with me to somehow stop him from doing it.

But the truth was, he was so batshit crazy nobody could really calm him down for very long. And Jen and I both tried again and again and again. I had to completely remove many items from many rooms, things he usually leaves completely alone.

Why? Because he was either throwing them into the walls or up in the air (not seeming to care if they landed on his head). Even the iPad, when it would frustrate him, he would just slam it into his face.

Christ, I'm tired.

Not sure what the next step is. Can't tell you. Have no idea. We're re-investigating some Behavioral Health options for Bennett, and we have to still find Carter some help as far as a Therapist. Other than that, there isn't a whole lot we can do other than take it day by day. Plug the holes as they continue to bleed and try to find some small piece of joy in something, somewhere.

Though lately, it is like trying to find a needle in a stack of needles.

OUT.

11 comments:

  1. Hey, there. There IS something you can do. You can talk to my good friend, whose daughter has both epilepsy and autism (had brain surgery as well) and who is finding success for her daughter's behavioral issues. Email me -- she is a beautiful person and very, very knowledgeable. She will help you. I have a feeling.

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  2. May be completely useless, but it helps me when I'm feeling one child is overwhelming the needs of another... Can you beg, borrow or steal an hour alone with Carter for something fun? Maybe pull him out of school and take him for ice cream and a quick game of catch while Bennet is in school? Something that makes Carter feel special and loved. I know it wouldn't do a damn thing to make anything better long term, but it might make both of you feel better for a few minutes?

    Drugs are crazy stuff. Crazy.

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  3. What's crazy Annika is that I spent almost three hours on Sunday out with Carter, a ToysRUs trip and a Father/Son lunch I did not mention. I just got no joy from it. He did, I made sure of that, but I did not. I can't just because overall our world is just shit right now. But I did what i could for him.

    Elizabeth, I'd be happy to hear whatever your friend has to say. Please tell me it involves me smoking lots of weed?

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  4. Obviously stimulants are bad news for Bennett. I think all of them are going to suck for him. I agree that you know right away if something is going to work or not. If it were me, and it's not so you can toss this advice, I would focus on other non-stimulant drugs (if that's a route you want to continue) such as Abilify or Zoloft.

    In the meantime, I'm sorry. I wish I could help you find a doctor who understood your son's unique situation. I wish I could babysit.

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  5. Got nothing for you except hugs and hope you can get help.

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  6. Really sorry to hear about the recent issues and crappy days. Sending you good thoughts from Arizona and hoping you have some better days ahead.

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  7. 4-6 weeks? Every stimulant we have tried has worked (or not worked) the first day. I hope things get better.

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  8. I have an answer that you will hate....but because you love me...you will read.....
    Carter needs a church. There are good ppl there....good kids...information about purpose, which could help him gain some perspective.
    I'm sorry for what you a going through. it sucks! But you are in it and fighting! I'm proud of you...and I think of you when I am absorbed in my own stupid selfish whining. It helps.

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  9. Strattera is a nonstimulant med. It worked well for my son's inattentive ADD for a while, then not.

    I'm new, you've probably tried others for behavioral issues like Tenex or Risperdal.

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  10. I was going to say Risperdal too. I think that we are going to be trying that with William also. He is having a lot of anger outbursts lately, at home and especially at school, and things have been really bad over here too (to the point that he was hitting, kicking, scratching, and trying to bite a teacher who was just trying to get him down the hall to lunch). Will is on the generic of Zoloft, and looking back, I'm not sure how well it has worked. I know my brother had huge improvements with his behavior once he was on Risperdal and a significantly upped does of Colonidine. Not sure if you have tried Risperdal though, as I am pretty new here too. As for Strattera, I don't even want to go there with Will (we use Adderall for his Asperger's - not his ASD - because he is literally bouncing off the wall hyper, and Strattera really won't help with the hyperactivity, which we need lots of help with). My understanding of Strattera is that you see some immediate effects right away, but don't see the entire effects until 4-6 weeks out. I also hear a lot of diappointment after parents have waited the 4-6 weeks, and it really didn't help - it seems to be one of those drugs, like so many, that either works or doesn't work. I hope that you find something for Bennet that helps. And as hard as I know it is, try to find a way, even for an hour, to escape yourself. For me, those little escapes help keep me grounded in being the person that I want to be.

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  11. We haven't tried Tenex, we did have him on Risperdal for a while though. I think that the stimulant road is probably not the way to go, but then again, not sure which road we will take ultimately.

    In the end, I think some of this, a lot of this, can be controlled by manipulating Bennett the way any parent would any child, ala your standard behavior modification. But what is hard for me is knowing where the line actually is, since I can't communicate with him as effectively as I want. I don't always know what his 'currency' is, know what I mean?

    We're trying something along those lines this week, I'll let you know how it goes. But early indicators are that it is helping somewhat.

    Finding time for ME is easy since I am home a lot, but it isn't quality time. Gotta work on that, the medical crap is really keeping me sidelined.

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