Bennett scratched Carter's face today, badly.
And the thing is, I was RIGHT THERE. While Carter wasn't being the greatest help in the way he was handling Bennett, and I can't say I blame the poor kid, he wasn't being so stand-offish to deserve Bennett pouncing on him like that. And it all happened to fast, faster than I was able to get in and stop it. Man, what do I do? I am failing so terribly in all of this.
If I can't keep these two from hurting one another, it will get worse, and I fear I will be facing a situation where I will have to consider alternatives I never wanted to because to continue waiting until something bad happens will only result in me losing one or both of them anyway.
I've tried to separate them, I've tried all kinds of my own horseshit behavioral interventions, none of which have worked, I've tried traditional methods, we continue to try medications. Bennett's name is in at an Autistic Center for Behavioral Health, and that will take a while for him to be seen. A Home Behavioral Health team is getting put in place by the center where he receives therapy all day to try to help him, but that is taking time.
Meanwhile, my family is in tattered, broken pieces. It is in chaos. The worst it has ever been. Frankly I will be surprised if we make it through the rest of the year as a unit.
It's that bad.
Christ, I don't know where to turn. I've been reading article after article on the Internet, reading blogs, forums, all kinds of things, and it is all variations on a theme. And I'm certain some of the things I do only make the situation worse. Having no professional help to really examine this at the source, or during the worst of it, is not a solution because I am just running in circles, in the dark, in a place that I have no real knowledge.
There is no starting point, no end point. No middle point even. What works for one kid doesn't seem to work for another, because so many other factors all play a part and they are all different. I feel completely lost and don't know how to manage this along with everything else that is falling apart around me. My house. My health. My career.
My back really hurts, my head hurts.
Everything hurts today.
If I knew there was a meteorite headed toward a field somewhere this afternoon I would drive there I think, and look up. I would extend my arms and smile, and wait, ready to embrace the sweet release a chunk of molten slag smashing me into a vapor at thousands of miles per hour would give me.
What a way to go, right?