Sunday, June 10, 2012

Everything Hurts

Bennett scratched Carter's face today, badly.

And the thing is, I was RIGHT THERE. While Carter wasn't being the greatest help in the way he was handling Bennett, and I can't say I blame the poor kid, he wasn't being so stand-offish to deserve Bennett pouncing on him like that. And it all happened to fast, faster than I was able to get in and stop it. Man, what do I do? I am failing so terribly in all of this.

If I can't keep these two from hurting one another, it will get worse, and I fear I will be facing a situation where I will have to consider alternatives I never wanted to because to continue waiting until something bad happens will only result in me losing one or both of them anyway.

I've tried to separate them, I've tried all kinds of my own horseshit behavioral interventions, none of which have worked, I've tried traditional methods, we continue to try medications. Bennett's name is in at an Autistic Center for Behavioral Health, and that will take a while for him to be seen. A Home Behavioral Health team is getting put in place by the center where he receives therapy all day to try to help him, but that is taking time.

Meanwhile, my family is in tattered, broken pieces. It is in chaos. The worst it has ever been. Frankly I will be surprised if we make it through the rest of the year as a unit.

It's that bad.

Christ, I don't know where to turn. I've been reading article after article on the Internet, reading blogs, forums, all kinds of things, and it is all variations on a theme. And I'm certain some of the things I do only make the situation worse. Having no professional help to really examine this at the source, or during the worst of it, is not a solution because I am just running in circles, in the dark, in a place that I have no real knowledge.

There is no starting point, no end point. No middle point even. What works for one kid doesn't seem to work for another, because so many other factors all play a part and they are all different. I feel completely lost and don't know how to manage this along with everything else that is falling apart around me. My house. My health. My career.

My back really hurts, my head hurts.

Everything hurts today.

If I knew there was a meteorite headed toward a field somewhere this afternoon I would drive there I think, and look up. I would extend my arms and smile, and wait, ready to embrace the sweet release a chunk of molten slag smashing me into a vapor at thousands of miles per hour would give me.

What a way to go, right?



  1. Awww man....just when I brought back enough cash from my birthday bash to think more seriously about an X-box!? Seriously..sounds
    Ike a bad day! Wish I could do something for you guys and gal. Delma said you should send Carter down here for a week or two...but I reminded her he has never met us....might be kind of awkward....but at least I would get to see you for the drop off or pick up. Talk to you soon.

  2. I wish I had words of help for you. I spent last night talking to a lady in her late 20's who just lost her husband a month ago. Sometimes there are just no words for the hurt, and no immediate solutions. I do think there are solutions and healing, though, in the long term. And it may be cliche, but they say it always is darkest just before the dawn. Sometimes desperation drives us to the answer. I am so sorry you are going through this.

  3. I have no experience or advice, I don't even really know what to say. I wish for you peace in whatever decisions you have to make.

  4. I am so sorry. I pray for you and your family every night and already warned my husband that if we ever win the lottery we will be sending a huge check your way.

  5. I don't know what to say, either, besides for the pablum that passes for positive thinking and optimism. I read a story not too long ago about a family in San Diego who had much the same problems, and they had to move to an apartment complex and rent two apartments so that the children could be separated and safe. The parents moved from one to the other on a schedule of sorts. It sounded horrible, but I think the main point is that other people have faced these terrible issues and you are not alone. Please know that. Sending love and the shreds of hope to you.

  6. Stopping by this evening to see if you had posted yet today. Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you.

  7. Been off line with duo laptop and desktop troubles due to failing hard drives. Finally get around to checking up on the blogs I frequent and it sound like life is hitting you real hard. I hurt for you buddy. You are in our prayers.

    Did you ever check out the Vineyard Church near your house? They have specialized personnel who are trained to watch special needs children while you are in service. If nothing else it would give you a little time to just sit still.


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