It is July 4th.
I sit here, pondering how poorly I have been handling my Plant Strong/Vegetarian lifestyle changes over the past couple of weeks. Just bad choices when it comes to processed stuff and more junky type things than honest to goodness veggies and fruits.
I find myself wondering if today, the 4th, I will tear into some flesh. Burgers, ribs, something of that nature. I have been hearing its call of late like the beating of Pagan drums.
I know why.
Depression. Depression makes you do stupid shit. You can quote me on that. Eating healthy makes me feel good. The depression in my head says 'Nope, you can't DO that you crazy mufugga. Why not eat something processed instead of some rice and beans? Why not tear into something that used to be walking around?'
You know, there are times I detest that voice.
I know too many folks who have it too. Or some derivation thereof. Anxiety. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Panic Attacks. Suicidal tendencies.
There always been a LOT of pain out there, and I have noticed it always because I live with it. But I notice it so much more now that I am a Special Needs parent. Maybe it is because so many of us struggle so hard when we have to watch our kids struggle. Just adds to it. Especially if you have any pre-existing conditions (or baggage, as they like to call it) from your past.
Childhood or otherwise.
I could rattle off name after name, point you to blog after blog. There are so many people whose stuff I read and who I admire for how they are able to beat back depression and the other dark emotions they deal with. Here's an amazing post, one that I was reading a few minutes ago. And it is just one of so many that I could link you to, but one is enough, especially one I consider so...potent.
We are all so different in approach to our lives, and I find that beautiful in a way. Humans have always, always captivated me while I, at the same time, tend to stay away from almost all of them. Weird huh? Yeah, I suppose I am.
As I peer across the Blogoverse at the people who are my Cyber-Pals, I do see that we all share something in common...we have our moments when we shine and are at our very best and things are being held together well. But oh Holy Shit on a Popsicle stick...there are those times when we falter, times when we feel like we can't keep going on.
Helplessness is an awful feeling. Hopelessness ranks up there too.
Somehow though, we have all managed to pull out of it. Then we go back. Always back. It is a cyclical existence that I think you either just accept as a part of who you are, or risk losing yourself to sheer madness.
Maybe it's a little of both, no?
I wonder...am I ripping into flesh as you read this, or am I standing tall? I won't know until I am there. I hope I'm standing tall. I'm certainly going to do the very best that I am capable of. In the end, that is the only thing I really have any control over in this life.