Thursday, July 19, 2012
A couple of people have said to me this week that they miss the regularity of the blogging I had been doing. More than a few, actually.
I appreciate that. I really do. Even from those who don't regularly write commentary, because it does inspire me to try to keep posting stuff more regularly, if not every day.
One of the theories is always posed regarding my state of mind. And truthfully I am in a funk, but it isn't the primary reason I am not blogging. I've got some news...psst...I think I am ALWAYS in a funk. Might just be who I am now. Where we are. Is what it is, as a buddy of mine likes to say. But funks don't always keep me silent either. Need I point out that it was a funk that started the actual 'run' of blogs in June?
The fact is that there is a very easy, simple reason why I am not writing as much right now. In a word?
I still haven't solved the issues I've got, and I'm flaring up right now. Arms and legs doing a lot of tingling and lava-type shit this week, and it hurts to type. I can't, and don't WANT, to take hardcore pain meds until much later in the day because I drive Bennett to and from his therapy services, so I have to wait until those are over before I hit any of that stuff.
That makes any of these flare-ups that much more...uncomfortable.
There you have it. Not saying I won't mount that horse with as much zeal...just offering a bit of an explanation. Got some stuff to talk about, just need to get to it and I will. These flare-ups tend to abate a little after around a week of intensity. I do have a Neurology appointment on the 25th, too.
Monday, July 16, 2012
I've kind of lost my stride a little bit. I'm stumbling.
Gotta try to get it back.
That and, don't be shocked, the very basic desire to post.
It's funny. Because I kind of lost the desire to write over the weekend, and I am not 100% sure of the reason. Gotta kinda sorta cook it out in my head. I have some theories, but they are still baking.
My Mom, who was visiting from last Tuesday through this morning, came in to the room on Sunday and said something to me about this blog.
'You didn't post anything yesterday.'
'You gonna post anything today?'
'Nah. I don't really NEED to, you're here.'
'Yeah but you don't write that thing for ME.'
'True...but still, I just got nuthin' I want to write about right now.'
Mom's have X-Ray vision. They can totally see through their kids, they know RIGHT away when an excuse is unleashed into the room.
So here I am...clickety clack...writing esesentially nothing. Other than telling you that I have very little to say. Other than the fact that my Mom is, in fact, gone, and that is all kinds of suck. It always is.
On the plus side, I think I am going to try to drive down there and see her in October. That isn't all that long to wait.
Friday, July 13, 2012
This Fall I fear I will simply disappear into The Matrix.
September sees the release of Borderlands 2, which I may just have to skip over. I dunno. Maybe I can call in a favor on that one. Not sure yet. Maybe an exchange of services. Then October sees the release of Assassin's Creed III.
In November it is a double-whammy. Halo 4 and Call of Duty: Black Ops II. I'm sure there is something else in December I am forgetting about.
What the Hell?
And now that Richard is on X-Box Live and I have a regular buddy I can play with who likes to play as much as I do? And not to mention the NFL will be in full swing at that time, as well as Ohio State football?
I'm in deep shit people. Deep, deep shit.
I need to start just growing flowers or something. Maybe learn how to conjure chocolates or just study the art of massage religiously. Because I am going to have to quadruple the affections I give to Mrs. Blogzilly if I ever hope to survive through the winter intact.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
One thing is certain, my Mom knows I am one sentimental bitch.
While I am not the type of person who will ever find myself in the category of a Hoarder, I do hang on to things many other people toss aside. Things like notes passed in class in high school. Or the ticket stubs from the first NFL game I ever went to. Or the medical bracelet that Bennett wore during his brain surgery.
That stuff has VALUE to me.
Whenever I see my Mom, she always seems to pull some new piece of sentimentality from...well, someplace, and give it to me. So I guess that is where I got the habit from. Because if she always has something to give me, that means that she, throughout her life, has been collecting stuff like that too.
This time? A very interesting tidbit from, ironically, July 2005, when she accompanied me and a bunch of The Family to celebrate Carter's first birthday on a sort of Family Vacation. A week in a place in Tennessee called Pigeon Forge.
Just a little thing of toothpicks that she just happened to save from a restaurant we all went to one night to get some Barbeque. And after ALL this time...she still just HAD it.
Ain't that a kick in the head?
So to speak of course.
You would too, if your Mom showed up and you hadn't seen her in almost a year.
That just means that I will have to post twice today., BUT, it does mean that I failed in July for once a day. Is what it is.
There is an irony here, and a heavy heart. If you haven't heard, Heather, my good friend and partner at Mission: iPossible, lost her Mom this past weekend. It made the experience of seeing my Mom last night much more poignant. Maybe that is why the last thing I wanted to do was blog.
Hope you are doing OK Heather. I know it has gotta be rough.
Monday, July 9, 2012
There is a great line from the movie Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.
Professor Jones speaks it after Walter Donovan is relating to him their results of the Grail mission, and reveals that they were very close to success. That their project leader was 'one step away' from completing the quest.
Indy replies as an aside (or an interruption rather) with a statement that is a foreshadowing of events that will unfold as he nears the end of his own journey towards the Cup of Christ as he walks along the footsteps of The Word of God at the end of the film and the ground literally gives way beneath him.
But it is also a statement that applies, and is often used by many people (OK, geeks), to describe that uneasy feeling you get when things should feel more settled but don't, when you should be at ease and aren't.
Because especially in this world of being a Special Needs parent, just when you think things seem to be leveling off for a while, and you think that you are getting close to a place where you can walk with a feeling of security, 'That's usually when the ground falls out from underneath your feet.'
Bennett's behavior and his focus have been issues we have been dealing with for a long time. We've tried a lot of things, unsuccessfully. The funny thing is that lately? Some of the techniques that many of you have sent me privately and publicly I have been using and they have BEEN MAKING A DIFFERENCE.
But then we had to go and fuck it up.
My psychiatrist had recommended we try Vyvanse for Bennett. Initially, we'd resisted. We'd gone down the road of ADHD medications before. He always reacted badly. But we have to always measure the past against hope for a better future for Bennett.
This decision to pull the trigger on Vyvanse wasn't easy for us. Took us a month to decide. We ultimately did, and gave him a single dose on Saturday morning.
The next 24 hours were Hell on Earth for that boy.
I have never in my life been more concerned for his safety. It was a nightmare. He would try launching himself, head first, off of furniture, with no concern for consequence. He threw everything. He pulled over objects regardless of their weight or where they might land.
It was awful. Carter was scared shitless and we got him out of there and he went to his grandparents.
And Bennett? He just had to ride it out. He bit me, Jen, himself. We had to restrain him a lot from causing himself or us harm. It was something I never want to see him go through again. Ever.
Jen and I both decided. We're done with trying meds with him. We're just done. We are not giving up on trying to help Bennett, don't get me wrong. We are just not giving him any more drugs.
I shot some video during this. Jen asked me not to show it. I'm respecting her wishes. It is not a flattering portrait of our son. My intent was educational, I wasn't trying to be an asshole even by shooting some of it. So you won't see it, or the photos. I was conflicted about blogging about the experience. Jen at first did not think I should, but I convinced her that it was important that I do so.
I wanted to talk about this just as a precautionary, I felt it was important in discussing the evolution of the whole process of Bennett's journey.
Ignoring it, or brushing it under the rug, would not do Bennett justice and certainly I want any other parents out there who read this blog who might be considering medications to know all the ones we've tried and failed and what happened when we tried them.
I'm glad this weekend is over. Really glad. Now we'll be moving on to other things. And having Bennett back to 'normal' on Sunday was something that was wonderful...warts and all.
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Of course I squealed like a school girl and took a LONG time to overcome my fears, but I am happy to report, and I know you were waiting breathlessly for this, that I hunkered down and had a cup of Espresso from my machine that had previously been the site of a rather peculiar incident involving two insects.
Personally? I think they were bug humping in there. Trying to make little earwigs. I imagine they were doing it 'Earwig Style', which is a really crazy position that I am sure no one has ever heard of because I just made it up.
But I ran tons of bleach and other nasty chemicals through the machine for days.
And obsessive me would, every time I walked by the machine, run more water through it. Only took about a week or two to finally decide to belly up to the countertop and insert one of the pods to attempt Caffeinication.
After some internal dialoging, I tossed back the tasty beverage and did not even gag or nuthin'.
Pussification of America? I say thee NAY!
Well, until this arrives.
I pre-ordered it from Sideshow Collectibles a day or two ago. I had a weak moment. And I am guessing there is less than a 22% chance that I will be allowed to display it in my office. And I am not saying that I necessarily think that the decision would be a WRONG one on the part of my spouse. It would be Ralphie and the Leg Lamp multiplied by 3000%.
But that is why she is in charge, and I am not.
And that is probably a VERY good thing.
Friday, July 6, 2012
So nothing really potent today.
Well, I guess that depends on what you consider potent. That's not all that bad a product photo though is it? Took it with a shitty 2006 camera and mostly tungsten lighting. Still, it is one I am particularly fond of.
Can't figure out why.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
I had meant to get a lot more, especially of Carter, and then my freakin' battery died. TOTALLY forgot to charge it. DOLT.
Oh well. Next week is Carter's birthday, so I will really get some Carter-centric stuff together for that.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
It is July 4th.
I sit here, pondering how poorly I have been handling my Plant Strong/Vegetarian lifestyle changes over the past couple of weeks. Just bad choices when it comes to processed stuff and more junky type things than honest to goodness veggies and fruits.
I find myself wondering if today, the 4th, I will tear into some flesh. Burgers, ribs, something of that nature. I have been hearing its call of late like the beating of Pagan drums.
I know why.
Depression. Depression makes you do stupid shit. You can quote me on that. Eating healthy makes me feel good. The depression in my head says 'Nope, you can't DO that you crazy mufugga. Why not eat something processed instead of some rice and beans? Why not tear into something that used to be walking around?'
You know, there are times I detest that voice.
I know too many folks who have it too. Or some derivation thereof. Anxiety. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Panic Attacks. Suicidal tendencies.
There always been a LOT of pain out there, and I have noticed it always because I live with it. But I notice it so much more now that I am a Special Needs parent. Maybe it is because so many of us struggle so hard when we have to watch our kids struggle. Just adds to it. Especially if you have any pre-existing conditions (or baggage, as they like to call it) from your past.
Childhood or otherwise.
I could rattle off name after name, point you to blog after blog. There are so many people whose stuff I read and who I admire for how they are able to beat back depression and the other dark emotions they deal with. Here's an amazing post, one that I was reading a few minutes ago. And it is just one of so many that I could link you to, but one is enough, especially one I consider so...potent.
We are all so different in approach to our lives, and I find that beautiful in a way. Humans have always, always captivated me while I, at the same time, tend to stay away from almost all of them. Weird huh? Yeah, I suppose I am.
As I peer across the Blogoverse at the people who are my Cyber-Pals, I do see that we all share something in common...we have our moments when we shine and are at our very best and things are being held together well. But oh Holy Shit on a Popsicle stick...there are those times when we falter, times when we feel like we can't keep going on.
Helplessness is an awful feeling. Hopelessness ranks up there too.
Somehow though, we have all managed to pull out of it. Then we go back. Always back. It is a cyclical existence that I think you either just accept as a part of who you are, or risk losing yourself to sheer madness.
Maybe it's a little of both, no?
I wonder...am I ripping into flesh as you read this, or am I standing tall? I won't know until I am there. I hope I'm standing tall. I'm certainly going to do the very best that I am capable of. In the end, that is the only thing I really have any control over in this life.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
When I started this run of trying to do one post per day for the entire month of June, I had a few things I wanted to cover during the span of that time.
Shit? It indeed do happen.
It started with a major storm that blew through here on Friday. Knocked out the power in a LOT of homes in the Mid-Ohio region, and places beyond, and I got stuck with no ability to post on Friday. No biggie. I figured...what the Hell...gives me an excuse to try again and see if July and I can get along when it comes to daily love.
As with most circumstances in my life and this blog, there were a few things that I left on the table when it comes to The June Experiment. One was a wrap-up, a sort of 'What Have We Learned This Month?' overview. Maybe I will still do that. Would be interesting to at least me.
Of those other subjects I did not cover, there were two that are critically important to me and the future of not just this blog but my participation in the 'online communities' of which I find myself a part. Those two things have long needed to be addressed, at least from my perspective.
The first of those dangling participles is my relationship with the pop culture website Fruitless Pursuits. The second is the future of Mission: iPossible.
I'm going to tackle Mission: iPossible a bit later, a few days. There is not enough time this week, since it is mainly a Bennett-watching week, to really give it the love it needs insofar as many of the changes that need to take place there. And since the Mission doesn't involve just me, I need more time as far as making any strides over there.
But I will. Heather and I have discussed a lot regarding what can and might need to happen with it, and we now just need to start implementing the stuff we have gone over.
But as for Fruitless Pursuits? That I can, and will now, talk about.
If you read my junk, you might have noticed I am not posting over there anymore. And if you look at the page of Contributors, you will also find my name and goofy mug absent from the Hallowed List.
I was not fired. I contacted Luke, the man with the plan, and essentially told him that I was struggling with my role on the site. Explained a lot that I won't go over here, but the main gist of it was that Fruitless Pursuits is a pop culture site involving things that are happening NOW or are IMMINENT.
And me? I am SO not plugged in right now to the mainstream of those things I love like Movies, TV, Toys, Games, etc. What I was noticing was that I was getting a lot of MY news from FP, and it should be me pumping stuff into it.
Rather than continue to struggle with it I suggested I unplug from it, especially since I was listed as a Contributor but my contributions were spotty at best. I should have been posting at least once a week, and I was missing that deadline a LOT. That's no good.
Plus, I hadn't really hit a stride, in my opinion. I felt that Luke deserved more. That the readership deserved more, and so I'm off the site for a while. Luke was super cool as always and said I could guest post whenever I like and I would be welcomed back if I ever felt like I wanted to give it another go.
I'd like that. And hopefully, if things continue to go well here with this Daily Mission, I can certainly make ONE of those days an FP post. I just want to be sure it is a GOOD post. Worthy of the site. And as for finding my voice? It can happen.
I've always talked about how much my life is different now that all this stuff went down with Bennett, and I do often wage a war within myself about Who I Was and Who I Am Now. Writing about that kind of thing at FP was a great reminder that maybe, in some small way, that old part of me isn't really officially dead, it is just in a state of hibernation.
Hopefully that's true. We'll see.
So that's the skinny on that, and I'm glad I finally got to talk about it, because the 5 or 6 people that may have wondered what was going on can now sleep through the night. :)
Monday, July 2, 2012
Sunday, July 1, 2012
We'll see about that.
After failing to complete on my mission to post every single day in the month of June, I have decided not to be discouraged and to try it again. This time for July.
I had a whole MESS of things I had planned to say in a sort of June Wrap-Up, but the storms that left us without power and picking up the pieces made that fairly impossible, and this week? OY. Gonna be tough to even keep up with the post count, at least of any substantive nature. Carter has Strep and Bennett is off this week from school. Will be interesting to say the least.
But I will give it the old 'College Try'.
Why do people say that?
If it was possible to major in 'Completely Phoning it In' for a good bulk of my college days, I'd have switched my curriculum. I think the only thing I really TRIED doing with any voracity was getting laid. And you wouldn't think it to look at this ugly mug (the years have not been kind) but I did OK with that.
OK, OK...TMI. But I'm just trying to make a point that the phrase doesn't make any sense to me.
With that, gonna close and publish because there are nasty clouds rolling in, and I don't want to suddenly find myself without electricity again. That would BLOW, especially if it happened on DAY ONE.