Saturday, September 29, 2012
Friday, September 28, 2012
And according to my Mom, people do, I should let people know that I am out of town.
I am in fact visiting her at the moment.
She was surprised to see how...what's the word I am looking for? How bleak I have become of late. How stressed and how on the ragged edge I really am. 'Shell-shocked' was a word that came up. As much as I don't enjoy exposing her to these aspects of me, what better place to be than right here, right now though, right?
If I ate chicken, I'd be having her make me some chicken soup. Instead, maybe something with fish or tofu.
In the meantime, it is time to do what I did last year and try to get a battery recharge and sort through what is, without a doubt, some of the darkest garbage that is in my head I have ever had.
She asked me why I haven't been blogging. I just said 'Mom, sometimes, I just feel like I don't have anything good in my head, in my life, to share, and why always go over the same old crap over and over? Besides, I'm pretty sure it doesn't matter much anymore.'
My Mom, who is so positive, one of her strengths, just felt so bad and said, 'Isn't there anything positive in any given day that you CAN focus on? There has to be, right?'
I said there was, there always was, but I am always just so tired.
We talked a lot more, and we will continue to, and I am in a good place to get some much needed healing.
I don't have access to my regular e-mail, so if anyone is trying to get in touch with me, you'll have to use Facebook or gMail. I can't get my Outlook to work on this laptop right now. She hasn't been properly broken in.
Maybe I'll check in a bit later, maybe not. But at least I feel a little better, and that's a good thing.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
When you go to load in some photos you took off your camera, and you realize that it has been over a month since you even did THAT, it is a bit of an eye-opener.
As if I even needed one.
As a guy who used to take hundreds of photos every month, and I mean I had so many photos of so many things I had to buy a 2TB External Hard Drive just to manage it all and then a second to have a back-up of it, that says something.
I only know it has been so long because when I do load-ins I do it by date. When you use the Scanner and Camera Wizard, if that is your THING, it gives you an option of naming the photos as you load them into your computer.
I exercise that option. Hey, I gotta exercise some time, right?
So I have every photo since I started doing it generally organized the same way. Easier to locate that way. And easier for loading and stuff. When I store them into folders I create folders that have names but the beginning of the Folder name has part of the date in it, so that way it stays mostly chronological in a thumbnail view, with some exceptions as needed.
I needed to load in a couple of things today off my camera for practical reasons, and realized that I had not loaded anything just for funsies in over a month because I saw the date stamp. I included some of the other shots I found on my camera throughout this post, which of course are TOTALLY unrelated to the text. But hey...I'm nothing if not disjointed.
Of course after loading the pics I had to then take note of the fact that I haven't posted in a couple of weeks, and even that last one was hardly a post. And then I looked again at Mission: iPossible and just hung my head in absolute and total disgust and shame. Wow. How in the world have I let THAT slip so far away from me? I haven't posted anything in there since APRIL???
How has it come to this?
Truth is, I just don't feel like going into it. Don't have the energy for a long, exhaustive explanation as to Why Things Suck, and to be honest I don't want to shower everybody with negativity, which is why I haven't been writing much. I'm super saturated with it lately.
I already wrote about how much I need to try to overcome all of these obstacles and junk, the whole Yoda analogy a few posts back...but I keep failing horribly at making any headway, gaining any ground in my life of late. And I'd be lying if I didn't admit there is a small part of me that wants to just give up on a lot of this shit.
But I think the part that DOESN'T want to give up is probably, from a psychological viewpoint, the stronger of the two. And I'll tell you why.
Because if I really wanted to throw in the towel, I wouldn't be on here writing about it. I'd still be hiding, still be silent, still be by myself unwilling to expose that thought to general srutiny and shine some light on it.
That's why I think, in the end, I'll make it through even the worst parts. Because for some reason I can't yet figure out, I think this tells me I must still, somewhere, have some small sliver of hope, and that's something I can build on.
Ya think? Maybe?
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
My mood, which has been so-so of late, had to limp all the way through August.
I have such a Love/Hate relationship with that month. Some of the greatest things in the world are associated with it, and some of the worst are too. Plus it is always so freaking HOT. Hate that.
But even though September brings with it the horror and abomination of my birthday and another year closer to a dirtnap, it at least brings cooler temperatures and, best of all, the return of the football season.
It starts tonight. Oddly, on a Wednesday, because of a speech planned by the POTUS on Thursday. A game twixt the Super Bowl Champion New York FOOTBALL Giants and the Dallas Cowboys.
For me, the REAL season gets underway on Monday Night Football, when the Baltimore Ravens take on the Cincinnati Bengals in an AFC North game right out of the gate at home. At least it is at home. Can't wait.
We were so close last year. SO close. Watching Lee Evans drop a touchdown pass, then watching Billy Cundiff miss an easy field goal and seeing the Ravens NOT go to the Super Bowl was heartbreaking last year. I hope we do as well or better this year.
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