Saturday, January 3, 2015
Are You There God? It's Me...blogzilly.
How's it going? Been a while. Figured I would write. Miss me?
I should look to you more often than I do for answers. What can I say? That's easier said than done. Especially for me. Instead of throwing my sinful ass at your feet I try to look for a loophole and I seek answers on the Internet. Yeah I know...I don't know why I do it either. They aren't easy to find there. More often than not I spend a great deal of time cycling through various links only to come to a sudden and disheartening halt and an inevitable 'Page Not Found'.
That or I find websites that make me a lot less worthy to be carrying on conversations with you. I don't spend TOO much time there.
My spiritual bypassing makes my current emotional predicament much harder than it already is.
And I clearly need the help, because small triggers can put me in a bad place. I remember when I moved into an apartment on my own during my recent separation, I would sometimes, in the afternoon, find myself sitting there doing some work or whatever, having forgotten to turn any lights on as the sun went down until eventually? The whole place would get very dim and grey.
Why this action had the eventual reaction and result of your boy having to choke back tears and snot and trying to keep quiet so my neighbors didn't hear me crying within the echoed walls of the barely furnished abode I cannot say.
I suppose, if I really think it through...is it just a simple matter of me trying to figure out how to let go of those things I had grown accustomed to having in my life that were so important to me. At that time I thought my marriage was finished, and my days of being a father were over.
I don't know. I only know that I experienced dramatic, and I am not exaggerating when I say dramatic, swings of emotion. Unlike any I have known in my life to date. And my life to date? I haven't considered it to be a life free of drama. Thanks for that, by the way.
Nothing prepared me for this. Nothing.
Even after moving back in, there have been and continue to be intense emotional swings, insecurities, hurt feelings, doubt, fear. But there is also hope, joy, laughter, healing, love. It is in totality exhausting.
I think that all young couples should have to undergo a bit of training. Let's call it a Pre-Marital Bliss Class. Not unlike the class I took when I wanted to get to know you, Big Guy...back when I was getting all Catholic and stuff. I understood why I had to do that. And I would totally understand why a class to prepare people for marriage would be a very good thing. And I don't mean like the class in church, I mean something more real, more visceral.
Kind of like a Scared Straight but for people about to make the biggest commitment of their lives.
I wish I knew of some...place. Some space in this world where I could go and be where there was no responsibility. No obligations placed upon me. No expectations. Maybe there is a guide there, either person or thing...some answers for me. Perhaps this guide tells me who I am supposed to be, and why? Maybe he or she or it could toss in a couple of directions, point me toward those things I need to actually be doing. I guess then it would not feel as if I am always rowing a boat with such intense voracity only then realizing that I have been moored to the dock the entire time.
If only such a place existed.
You know of someplace like that? Cause I need it. A place to center my Chakra or balance my chi or my soul or spirit, or as we say in my neck of the woods, just to get my shit together.
Maybe what I'm looking for isn't so much a place, but a state. And I don't mean a state like a State, you know, like North Dakota or something. More like a 'state', as in mental. Though if I were to be looking for a place to get closer to that mental state, I think maybe something that has a bunch of uncomfortable wooden seats might be a good call.
Know what I mean?
What am I saying? Yer the G-Man, of COURSE you know what I mean.
Or, um, in this case...Amen.