I have quite a few unfinished, unpublished blog posts. They are beginning to stack. Some are so old I probably can't even use the material inside anymore. I start more blog posts than you can imagine, but something always seems to come up that has to take precedence over finishing them. A few dozen written in the Drafts section of Outlook, incomplete. I don't know how many in Notes on the iPad. Exactly 21, though 20 after I finish this one, in the Blogger Drafts.
I type away, often hovering over the bright orange candy-like Publish button. Rather than press it and get the cookie, I favor the dull, grey Save button and go do...whatever it is people like me do.
People like me.
By this I mean people who battle things like Depression, PTSD or Anxiety. These...I don't know...I suppose you call them disorders, illnesses, I dunno WTF. It would be more proper to only speak about myself in a matter as...delicate as this one. For me? I call it a mental illness. What does that mean exactly? Just that, essentially, I get the impression that my thought processes never quite works for me the way it does for most of you.
Brash assumptions, much? Maybe so. But this is based on years of self-analysis, introspection, conversations had with friends and acquaintances, therapists, psychiatrists, reading and research, etc. But all evidence suggests that my mind doesn't function like the average guy next door. I'm not being singularly dramatic either, no one's does, I get it. What I mean more specifically is that mine is more...for lack of a better term, broken.
Certainly not the way I wish it was. But if wishes were horses...there'd be a TON of shit in the streets.
As I thought about what I wrote yesterday, it occurred to me that the last bit, the part with the hopeful determination, may have seemed...for me, almost inspired. I could not help but pause and wonder, from where within me do thoughts and feelings like that emerge?
Couldn't tell you. You know, that whole 'People Like Me' thing.
The truth of the matter is, I can never fully beat my demons, never actually slay my Dragon. It has been and always will be there. I'm not totally at its mercy all the time, I can slap it around a bit, and hope that this keeps it from flying into my castle as often as it wants to get in, wreaking havoc. This was something I taught myself about Depression long ago.
It is here to stay.
And managing it, controlling it, not letting it consume me...trying to make it my bitch? That is a lifetime commitment. Hard work.
Maybe it is one of the reasons I find it easier to relate sometimes to Bennett's issues than I do with Carter's, day to day. I'm not talking about love here, just some of the intangibles. Though I do have a whole different post I want to write specifically about Carter and me, but another time. But I think I understand a lot of Bennett's fringe behaviors on a gut level more easily since I identify with the fact that he is disabled and because, somewhere deep down, I consider myself a person who is living with a disability.
To say I never enjoy saying that is the understatement of a lifetime multiplied by a thousand lifetimes. I like typing it even less. If Truth is something I have to embrace in order to continue evolving then I can't brush uncomfortable words under a rug and forget about them. Besides, it is more likely that the acceptance of Truth helps me to keep my Dragon outside the castle walls.
But that's just me. We all manage our personal shit differently.
It's been on my mind a little more than usual lately because of the fact that I am in one of my valleys. I go back sometimes and re-read this blog and can see gaps. Those were valleys too. And there were times when I wrote during the valleys, and man...those were some dark, dark blogs. If there is something hopeful to be gleaned here, it is that evolution keeps on keepin' on.
I'm in regular therapy now. That's a good thing. Only just getting started, but I enjoy it. The therapist is good, I like her. Tried it before, but never felt it could turn into anything long term. I think this might have a good chance of that. I still see a psychiatrist too, but that is every once in a while to manage medications. Any regular reader here, or friend of mine, knows me no likee the meds.
Sadly, I had to go up on medications for the time being. No choice. I was unable to control my emotions. Crying all the time. I got no beef with getting all misty over stuff, in fact i encourage all men to let it out and show more emotion, it's good for you. And not just whooping it up when your team scores. But if you are crying multiple times a day and constantly cleaning the tears off the inside of your glasses, and/or crying wakes you up in the middle of the night?
Maybe it's time to get a little added help.
Since I was unable to sleep as well, often up until 4-5 in the morning, the doc prescribed Trazodone. It has helped with both sleeping and the swings of emotion. Groggy as HELL though. Hoping I adjust soon. With Spring kicking in, should give me a boost that I need to help with that.
I had a bit more to go over, about Dragons and such, specifically addiction and how it relates to all this down time. I am running longer than I planned though. I am trying to get back to this whole blogging thing, but I am also intent on practicing more self-control with it.
There's will always be more blank white space to fill.
At least, that is what I keep telling myself.