Thursday, August 6, 2015

The Apple

Today I was updating a folder on my Facebook page.

Been doing that a lot lately. Instagram. Flickr. Facebook. Just trying to get modernized. I'm not sure if it is good for me or bad for me. It takes some time, but some of the stuff has been worth it. It never hurts to expand your networks, and I never have fully understood Social Media. I'll need to figure it out here, particularly if I intend to continue with this space.

The photo up top is part of one of the folders I started a while back. A revisit and rebuild of photos of my Dad. A friend of mine from grad school commented that I really do look like my father. She isn't the only one who thinks so. Many people do.

I suppose it's OK to look like him, as long as I don't mimic his health destiny. He died young. Large man. Since last September when I took the Selfie that I use for all my Internet avatars I have put on 16 pounds. SIXTEEN. And the bulk of that has been since February/March when it really started to flare back up again. This pain in my hip, my back, neck, all the side pains from that...I can't stand that they would impact me to the point of such complete immobility.

Yet here I lie on my back with an iPad in hand, writing a blog. It is after 2AM and I have pain ripping through my piriformus is like a hot iron. One reason it's been worse is that I'm weaning myself from all pain medication. Including over the counter. Had been off for a while, had to go back.

I intend to hook up with a new specialist and hit this hard to see if my Deg Disc is really out of control, if my right hip is being yanked out because of some Piriformus Syndrome or some nerve cluster deal Jen showed me. I know why my arms and hands hurt then shake. I hope I do anyway. I want to have full sensory management to be able to know where everything is coming from. I'm wingin it.

The Chiro visit today didn't help as much as it usually does. Helped in another way though. Being there was like having a counseling appointment. Went WAY beyond what I guess you would expect. I'm lucky I guess with the docs I've hooked up with over the past couple of years even though discovery of a final answer has never been forthcoming. At least the people in the circle are outside the box thinkers.

Was telling my Chiro how disappointed I am with my life, my health, not having answers to this thing for years. But also about my diminished career, my struggling business, my parenting skills, life as a Special Needs Father, how it affects being a regular father to Carter, my marriage, my...well, my everything.

Interestingly, he didn't think I was a freak. He identified with what I was saying, especially about the parenting of boys and pressures of owning a business. There were moments he spoke as often as I did. It was one of the most positively charged sessions I'd had.

The kicker? My joints and back, especially the hip, felt about as bad as they did when I went in. And that was a first. In fact, they all got worse as the day went on. That's just fuggin ODD. But I guess it's the trade off.

While I was in there he also was going over how he wanted to come up with some plans for me, outside of what he does. We touched on some of it. But we will have to iron it out as we go.

I believe him. Even though he recommended the probiotic that last week sent my insides into a tailspin, he couldn't know that I have a seriously messed up interior. He IS the dude who last year when I was doing so well with maintaining a good steady weight loss and health plan just handed me two books one afternoon. One on juicing the other on the benefits of raw, unprocessed food.

Where the HELL was I? My Dad. Look before I close. This is twice now that I've done a Lilly Medical Report. And looking back, there are a lot of medical reports.

That isn't what I want.

So time to get back into other stuff. This...whatever this's here, clearly. BEEN here. OK. Isn't acceptance some kind of stage? I accept it. Gonna keep fighting and try to beat it, but I gotta stop dwelling in it. That's part of the problem. I'm immersed. Make sense? Hope so.

So my Padre. Yeah, I look like him. I don't want to look like him when he was in his 50s and 60s. That much is certain.

I analyze the crap out of stuff to the point where I should just get lucky enough to dodge the bullets he couldn't.


EDIT: Ha. To anyone who has been asking. ALL of the above photos are my father. I'm the chrome dome, not pictured. Will take new selfie after I get some sleep.

1 comment:

  1. So sorry to hear your pain is still not under any kind of control. I really hope you can find a doctor (or doctors) that can help you. Your chiropractor sounds like a really cool guy though. My father also died young at 63. He was a big drinker and smoker his whole life. 20 years in the Navy will do that I guess. Probably where I get my addictive tendencies. My wife is also getting back into more healthy eating and juicing, so that means I will too....

    P.S. Like the updates to the look of the blog :)


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