Thursday, January 22, 2015


Do you ever lay in bed after a particularly difficult day and wonder how the hell you made it through the entire thing....and then feel like an asshole because no one was shooting at you, no one had their heart beating in your hands while you attempted to save a life, you didn't spend the afternoon exhausted by attempting to discover the cure for a degenerative disease?

It was just you and your insignificant, mediocre life and the stupid bullshit that you let drag you down into places you have no business being? Anybody? That happen to you?

Just curious...never happens to me, I just wonder what that must be like. ;)

Of course...I do wonder how I am going to feel tomorrow after Bennett's Quarterly Review. No wonder I can't sleep. Why these are scheduled in the early hours of the morning is beyond me. Especially since we schedule them. Not enough time for morning coffee, full routine disruption. End result?

4-5 days of constipation meets Butt. After 6 years of effort and hope meets more brick than clouds. There will be some clouds, a few fluffy ones, but most are thick grey storm clouds that don't leave one with a great deal of hope. We have to find that in other ways.

When I know what those ways are I'll let you know. LOL.

On that note...


Monday, January 19, 2015


A long time ago, somewhere around 2009 or so, I gave up smoking. I'm no quitter, but I figured, what the Hell, it was time. Especially when my then 3 or so year old son Carter caught me puffing away on a Marlboro Menthol in the garage (I never smoked in the house) and said 'Hey Daddy, when I grow up? I am gonna smoke JUST LIKE YOU!!!'

Yeah, like I don't ride on the Guilt Train enough to have tickets to spare.

So I gave up the sticks, and soon after? Decided to give up Diet Coke, another of the Great Evils of the World that was giving me a problem. I'd stopped with the sugary shit, but the carbonated, caffeine-filled conundrum of that canned concoction had me by the cojones, and I was pounding them by the half-dozen a day or more, while still having the morning coffee, the afternoon espresso, and anything else with caffeine in it.

So that had to go.

After that it was ANYTHING that had Aspartame, Saccharine, Splenda, or anything or an artificial type nature in it. I figured, why in the world did I just spend the time giving up Diet Coke, only to still be consuming Crystal Light, with all of its chemical non-goodness and the who-knows-what-shit that it might have in it and its who-knows-what-effects it might have on me and my aging self?

So got rid of that.

Then I watched this documentary called Forks Over Knives, scared the shit out of me. Of course, what scared me more was a trip to the ER in an ambulance that same year. So I gave up chicken and other meats and started trying to eat a mostly Plant Strong diet. I couldn't go so far as to call myself a pure VEGAN, because of the last few things that remained in my diet, but I was certainly what I liked to call a PROTO-Veganatarian.

I was getting somewhere at least.

If only I could get my severely disabled son to eat the way I want him to. What a huge...HUGE, difference it might make in his everyday. He eats a lot of garbage foods. But I want him to eat and not starve. He is the pickiest being I know, and getting him to eat anything even remotely resembling a vegetable is like no task I have ever tried to accomplish in my life which is, sadly, not very full of accomplishments quite honestly.

It's on my list. So is dairy for me. I have already been able to eliminate dairy milk from my diet, that was easy. Cheese not so much. I still sprinkle that shit on my food from time to time, there is NO cheese substitute on this Earth I know of that acts the way cheese is supposed to behave. If you know of one, clue me in.

Why am I even writing about this today? Just on my mind because everywhere I turn I see MLK, which of course with my crap glasses I see as MILK, and then I start thinking about all things dairy and dietary, and not all of the powerful and wonderful things I am SUPPOSED to be thinking about today. Funny how that works out. Of course, Bennett home today, and bored to boot, that makes for a more tense environment, which also has me thinking about ways to change behaviors. Ala food intake for the lad.

He's eating right now as a matter of fact...and while it isn't the worst thing in the world, it ain't vegetables.


Saturday, January 03, 2015

Are You There God? It's Me...blogzilly.

How's it going? Been a while. Figured I would write. Miss me?

I should look to you more often than I do for answers. What can I say? That's easier said than done. Especially for me. Instead of throwing my sinful ass at your feet I try to look for a loophole and I seek answers on the Internet. Yeah I know...I don't know why I do it either. They aren't easy to find there. More often than not I spend a great deal of time cycling through various links only to come to a sudden and disheartening halt and an inevitable 'Page Not Found'.

That or I find websites that make me a lot less worthy to be carrying on conversations with you. I don't spend TOO much time there.

My spiritual bypassing makes my current emotional predicament much harder than it already is.

And I clearly need the help, because small triggers can put me in a bad place. I remember when I moved into an apartment on my own during my recent separation, I would sometimes, in the afternoon, find myself sitting there doing some work or whatever, having forgotten to turn any lights on as the sun went down until eventually? The whole place would get very dim and grey.

Why this action had the eventual reaction and result of your boy having to choke back tears and snot and trying to keep quiet so my neighbors didn't hear me crying within the echoed walls of the barely furnished abode I cannot say.

I suppose, if I really think it it just a simple matter of me trying to figure out how to let go of those things I had grown accustomed to having in my life that were so important to me. At that time I thought my marriage was finished, and my days of being a father were over.

I don't know. I only know that I experienced dramatic, and I am not exaggerating when I say dramatic, swings of emotion. Unlike any I have known in my life to date. And my life to date? I haven't considered it to be a life free of drama. Thanks for that, by the way.

Nothing prepared me for this. Nothing.

Even after moving back in, there have been and continue to be intense emotional swings, insecurities, hurt feelings, doubt, fear. But there is also hope, joy, laughter, healing, love. It is in totality exhausting.

I think that all young couples should have to undergo a bit of training. Let's call it a Pre-Marital Bliss Class. Not unlike the class I took when I wanted to get to know you, Big Guy...back when I was getting all Catholic and stuff. I understood why I had to do that. And I would totally understand why a class to prepare people for marriage would be a very good thing. And I don't mean like the class in church, I mean something more real, more visceral.

Kind of like a Scared Straight but for people about to make the biggest commitment of their lives.

I wish I knew of Some space in this world where I could go and be where there was no responsibility. No obligations placed upon me. No expectations. Maybe there is a guide there, either person or thing...some answers for me. Perhaps this guide tells me who I am supposed to be, and why? Maybe he or she or it could toss in a couple of directions, point me toward those things I need to actually be doing. I guess then it would not feel as if I am always rowing a boat with such intense voracity only then realizing that I have been moored to the dock the entire time.

If only such a place existed.

You know of someplace like that? Cause I need it. A place to center my Chakra or balance my chi or my soul or spirit, or as we say in my neck of the woods, just to get my shit together.

Maybe what I'm looking for isn't so much a place, but a state. And I don't mean a state like a State, you know, like North Dakota or something. More like a 'state', as in mental. Though if I were to be looking for a place to get closer to that mental state, I think maybe something that has a bunch of uncomfortable wooden seats might be a good call.

Know what I mean?

What am I saying? Yer the G-Man, of COURSE you know what I mean.


Or, um, in this case...Amen.

Friday, January 02, 2015

Could Money Buy Me Happiness?

Tricky question. And one that was posed on my friend Jerry Macaluso's Facebook page a short while ago. Specifically he said 'Can money buy happiness? Give me more than a yes or no. Explain why your answer using logic and facts.'

Ha. Logic and Facts. Me. Too funny.

I'll just call it like I see it and hope for the best.

And oh yeah...hi. Been a while. More on that later. I'll have to just play slow catch up. And figure out if I still feel like doing this as I go along.

But back to Jerry's question. Money, and by money I mean Shitloads of It Via Quantities of Sickening Numbers, could help set up deterrents that would ease much of the stress that occur in the daily life of our Special Needs House. But all the money in the world won't make Bennett normal again. Ever. That ship sailed.

I could possibly get to a place of feeling a lot happier seeing him get better overall managed care, better resources, better opportunities, which might free me up to create some opportunities for myself and the rest of my family. I see that Monster Money could afford me a chance to maybe repair some damage that has befallen the relationships between me and my wife, Carter and I, and so on and so forth. I know, from the experience of having moved back in to the home after a separation that there is work in these areas that needs to occur that no amount of money will fix in and of itself, money will just assist them, but the truth is that actual work is required and real results can only be achieved from within.

Money makes this Disability Road easier to walk, but it doesn't mean I can't walk it without money. The lack of money just puts a lot of shit in the road that keeps me off of it. Slows progress.

Nutshelling it, money to me is a symptom remover. And we have symptoms in this Special Needs House coming out of our ears. Take some of those symptoms away, we still got ALL the conditions that came with Infantile Spasms, Autism, Brain Surgery, etc., and we still have the problems of any other group or people.

And then there is also this...I could be as rich as Midas, and still beat myself up every day that Bennett says Five when I ask him how old he is, after having just told him Seven just 10 seconds prior. And then a bit later same thing. And again. And again. His cognitive functions were just ripped to shreds. Money helps that some. But unless the funding is limitless in scope I shudder when I think how far we have come in some areas in 5 years and how little in others with some great things for Bennett to take advantage of.

Well, the conclusion, Jerry, is that I guess the money wouldn't buy me happiness. But it could buy me a house that was Bennetized with sinks that were voice activated, doors that were fingerprint ID locked, an on-site behavioral staff in an attached facility, everything he needed to be safe and secure. Then on the flip side an indoor pool and a 24-7 lifeguard, a small slow going roller coaster, lots of Skee Ball and other indoor type games, a basketball hoop, ice rink, and the like. Essentially my own ramped up Chuck E Cheese or Magic Mountain on Crack.

The Money would buy HIM happiness. And Carter too. And that might just make me happy. :)


A Beautiful Blank Page

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