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Showing posts from August, 2015

There Is No Spoon

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Or maybe there is.

This is supposed to be happy picture right?

It isn't.

We've been trying to help Bennett's behaviors, the problematic ones, through modification.

Today we were following a schedule, it's fairly new for Bennett at home but he seems to enjoy it. I'd always believed he was OK with things more loose after working so hard all day but now I can't even remember why I thought that made sense. Maybe because of the whole "Square Peg, Round Kid" thing from a couple of blogs back...my reluctance, common among my gender, to accept the circumstances as they were.

There were always the meltdowns since the surgery. The aggression, the scratching, the biting, the hitting, throwing, the abuse of himself, that's the worst. I never attributed them as much to the Autism as I did to the fact that almost half his brain was gone. I'm trying to find a balance, I have been all this time.

I'll tell you, there are days, like today, I don't …

The Mirror Universe is Closed Today

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That means even though I have a goatee which generally insinuates negative, or I am already what my evil twin would look like in Star Trek's alternate reality, I'm supposed to keep that mm-hmm good stuff flowing and be sure the door to that Universe stays shut.

It's gotta be that way, right? Yeah? Pause for reassurance…wait, this isn't a conversation. It's written word. Sometimes the voices in my head are a pain in the butt.

Yeah, it's shut, though maintaining Maximus Positivicus isn't easy while writhing in agony. Which I am, and that's no joke. Tonight I had tears in my eyes over it. Bennett, bless him, actually came over to me and patted me and said "OK, Dadda, OK".  I did say I would try to steer away from The Lilly Health Reports, but I will go there long enough to tell you that it takes me an unusually long time to get these posts done because of the intensity of the pain, inability to sit or stand for extended periods in one position, …

The One-Percent Solution

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Whenever I find myself in the midst of a disability maelstrom, it's not uncommon for me to lose my way.

Of late my attitude in regards to coming back into the family's everyday after being separated has been positive but it clings to those puppy dogs and lollipops with duct tape, Super 77 and Velcro. Tenuous is a good word choice for everyday happenings.

Unsettled.

No way to see beyond the stormy horizon.

Not because I don't want to see a bright beach with crystal waters to sail into. Rather the sea is in a state of such unrest the waves obscure what lies ahead.

Oh shit.

Lilly's pulling out his sailing ship analogies again. What happened?

There is a reality that started to come into focus for me. About my life. Carter. Jen. Bennett. Of course Bennett will always be at the epicenter of what can only be described as a jarring set of unknowns, unsettling problems that some days appear fixable and other days...do not.

What must it be like to be at sea and become …

Get Past the Zombie Sharks? You Might Meet Great People

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I've been thinking about Special Needs Dads a lot lately. Couple weeks ago, had an experience with a very cool dude...wait that came out TOTALLY wrong...um I didn't mean came out...why don't I just move on?

So this guy, for the sake of argument let's call him, oh, Aaron or something, from Australia flew in to town to talk about Bennett and life as a Special Needs Dad as research for his doctorate dissertation in Social Anthropology. Technically he flew in from Arizona. But he flew in from Australia before that. And yes...his arms were tired.

The visit was anything but.

Wrapping my head around the whole event has been a struggle. Partially because I am exhausted today, but also because I don't know what I want to say about it. I struggle with an even more puzzling truth. Maybe I have very little to say about it at all.

Yes of course I will explain. It was simple. Complete. Like the perfect one-hour episode of a great cable dramatic comedy.

Subjects were brought up …

The Apple

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Today I was updating a folder on my Facebook page.

Been doing that a lot lately. Instagram. Flickr. Facebook. Just trying to get modernized. I'm not sure if it is good for me or bad for me. It takes some time, but some of the stuff has been worth it. It never hurts to expand your networks, and I never have fully understood Social Media. I'll need to figure it out here, particularly if I intend to continue with this space.

The photo up top is part of one of the folders I started a while back. A revisit and rebuild of photos of my Dad. A friend of mine from grad school commented that I really do look like my father. She isn't the only one who thinks so. Many people do.


I suppose it's OK to look like him, as long as I don't mimic his health destiny. He died young. Large man. Since last September when I took the Selfie that I use for all my Internet avatars I have put on 16 pounds. SIXTEEN. And the bulk of that has been since February/March when it really started to …